Scientist Cull May Reduce Scaremongering

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to a study published in the prestigious Journal for What Can We Kill Next, it is the unqualified and arrogant opinion of a gaggle of corporate-funded self-interest beardies and anoraks from the scandal-ridden University of East Anglia’s Chicken Little Institute for Public Hysteria – (notorious for their criminal manipulation of global warming data to create apocalyptic scenarios and push the carbon credits cap n trade exchange scam) - that 50% of the UK's deer population needs to be shot each year to curb the devastation of our once sceptred isle’s woodlands.

The deer population is currently estimated at around 1.5 million – almost exceeding the masses of welfare benefit-scrounging economic migrants from the EUSSR community that are now squatting in Broken Britain to sponge off the state, take advantage of the National Ill-Health Service to have haemorrhoids banded and warts removed – and poach carp and swans on the local council park ponds when they’re not otherwise engaged impersonating plumbers or busy trafficking Rohypnol-drugged schoolgirl sex slaves to Paki taxi drivers.

Conversely Mrs Candida Minge-Gargoyle, spokeswoman for the Royal Society for the Protection of Animals (RSPCA) commented it was the collective opinion of conservationists and global warming sceptics alike that it might be more productive to leave Bambi’s extended family in peace and kill off half the UK’s scaremongering boffins each year instead – along with a large percentage of media hacks and politicians - and hence cut down on the shaky science bullshit and eco-doomsday propaganda.

"What pisses me off is this one size fits all approach of ‘kill the deer’ by these dodgy science types, bestowed with more sodding degrees than an industrial thermometer yet nary two ounces of common sense between the lot of them to consider alternative remedies – especially so when their stock in trade answer – same as the bovine TB scam and target the badgers – is go ahead with both barrels blazing.”

“Really, the obvious alternative is to re-introduce the predators – and here I’m talking about wolves – to maintain the Darwinian principle of survival of the fittest and keep nature in balance. Plus a few packs of ‘Canis lupus’ carnivores roaming our open woodlands might solve the homeless problem with these hordes of grotty street people sleeping rough – and Asbo teenagers drinking and roaming around their neighbourhoods after dark and making a damn nuisance of themselves.”

Britain has a total of six deer species, four of which were introduced since 1066 to meet the demands of the gourmet palates of the venison-gorging Norman invaders. The most recent newcomer is the genetically-modified Chinese water deer – a hybrid mutant crossed with a giraffe - which, hosepipe bans besides, is thriving in the knee deep floods that seem to have become the established precipitation norm for UK summers – and winters.

Dr Aldous Codpiece, a senior ecologist at the University of East Anglia – (and rumoured to be part owner of the Stag & Antler Restaurant in Norwich) - opined to a gutter press hack from the Mass Extinction Gazette that “There are more deer in the UK than at any period of history since the last Ice Age – what we scientists refer to as ‘a long time ago’ – and these things are decimating our ancient woodlands. Does anybody realise that a single deer can eat an entire oak tree inside of a week?”

“I’m not for one minute suggesting that we kill off the deer then incinerate the carcasses – but cull and harvest them to supply wild free-ranging game for gastro pubs and restaurants.”
“Believe me, venison tastes better than some knackered old nag that dropped dead the previous week while lugging a Gyppo’s caravan over the Carpathian Mountains and ended up in packs of Pestco’s Finest Beef Mince or spag' bollcoknasty meatballs on the shelves at one of the UK’s Greedy Grocer supermarket chain outlets.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.