Thursday, 21 March 2013

Curse of Euro Slams Cyprus Savers

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Cypriot President Nicos Aniseedballs yesterday confided to a press hack from the Ripoffs Gazette that while pillaging 10% of the public’s savings - from what they thought were sacrosanct bank accounts - has provoked a wave of mass outrage from the common herd and negatively affected his socio-political popularity rating to the extent it has dropped overnight to ‘minus 10’ – this daylight robbery strategy was necessary to stave off a state of national insolvency - otherwise the IMF were going to send in a crew of nasty debt-collecting bailiffs to break his legs and rip the gold fillings out of his teeth – then hold a car boot sale of sovereign heritage assets – starting by shoving the Lefkosia Museum’s priceless Agia Irini sanctuary pottery figurines on eBay.

The 10 billion euro mugging of the common herd, expedited on the orders of the IMF and enforced by a compliant stooge EUSSR hierarchy in Brussels, marks a radical departure from previous international aid packages – such as that of Greece where the IMF, the Shylock Bank of International Usury, the European Central Bank, the St Mammon’s Bank of Filthy Lucre and the Bank of the Golden Calf simply kept throwing wheelbarrows of euro notes at the hopeless case Debtocracy economy until the bought and paid for government shaped up into ‘good dog’ mode and learned to sit, beg, roll over – and play dead.

Henceforth the lower end of the food (and information) chain population demographic will have their retirement nest eggs, pensions, meagre savings and personal piggy banks officially violated to avoid the fiscal collapse of their entire national economies due the mismanagement of the casino culture banksters and incompetent morons they voted into office to run the country – with Italy, Spain, Portugal and Ireland next on the IMF’s hit list.

Aniseedballs was elected as the Cypriot leader in February on a promise to solve the country's debt crisis – with nary a mention of actually stealing the money out of the voter’s savings accounts – which has resulted in a market boom of Nicos Aniseedballs’ voodoo dolls and Gyppo witches doing a roaring ‘cash-in-hand’ trade in designer curses cast on the Presidential head.

Opposition leader Georgios Lickinass is urging supporters to stage a protest rally and demand Aniseedballs’ resignation and the ouster of his Democratic Ripoffs Party for betraying the people's vote and stabbing them in the back or - more correctly – the wallet – then announcing a ‘bank holiday’ so depositors can’t withdraw their hard-saved ackers.

Harry ‘Pitbull’ McGnasher, a British expatriate in Cyprus, spoke to an interviewer from the BBC’s ‘Extortionist Hour’ programme “All the effin’ money wot I got from blagging security vans back in Blighty woz invested here in Limassol’s First Swindlers Bank. This is highway effin’ robbery an’ if I wasn’t wanted by Interpol I’d report the twats ter the police.”

So too with the likes of the scores of Russian oligarchs who made zillions of bucks out of sweetheart deals during the USSR breakup and misrule of the vodka-soaked mess of a premier known as Bonkers Boris Yeltsin - and who now as exiles have stashed what banksters refer to as ‘lots and lots of money’ in the Cyprus banks.

Owner of Wankprom Oil, Oleg Mobsaroubles, along with cohort Igor Crooksky of Gulag Gaz and Michail Sackashit, CEO of Russtheft Energy, confided to media hacks that they had managed to wring an exemption on their liquid capital investments deposited with the island’s banking institutions out of President Aniseedballs by threatening to take out a hit contract on him and his extended family - up to the cousins twice removed level – and every other fucker on his Christmas card list.

So, any soothsayers out there with a fiscal solvency solution reflecting back from their crystal balls? Perhaps apply the Darwinian principle of survival of the fittest and copy a page out of sensible shoes Iceland’s book - and instead of targeting its population with brutal austerity measures and bailing out the erring banks, let the insolvent fuckers go to the wall, then arrest the casino culture banksters for their Money-Go-Round spend-a-thon sins – and straight to jail without passing Go – or picking up a mega-bucks bonus.

Thought for the day. Cyprus has come up with a cracking idea in our opinion and we wish Austerity Dave Scameron and Nick Clegg and their squirly Con-Dem Coalition would adopt the same as we’d simply jump to the front of the queue to let them have 9:9% of our burgeoning overdraft at Barclays.

Ho-ho-ho, joking aside, fuck the Eurozone, and the Rothshite bankster crime syndicate and the Edomite Mafia and the Freemasons and shifty Shylock’s ZioNazi New World Order and the entire fatally flawed concept of global governance.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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