Friday, 1 March 2013

Birds Eye Deny Sea Horse Rumours

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Birds Eye, an iconic household name for their frozen food lines, has gone into damage control mode and withdrawn a host of dodgy beef meals from Greedy Grocer supermarket shelves across Broken Britain after a batch of microwave-ready ‘Chilli con Donkey’ dinners tested positive for 25% equine DNA – but are in total denial that their fish fingers contain a mix of 50% sea horse meat and not the advertised filling of succulent North Atlantic cod flakes.

Further, to put down a barrage of black propaganda and typical consumer hysteria, Birds Eye have emphasised that, the product name besides, none of their products actually contain ‘bird’s eyes’ – although they do market a Nomad’s Delight microwave-ready insta-dinner for their Oasis line of Mid-Eastern tucker which contains the Arab ‘sheep’s eyeballs’ delicacy – along with the popular piquant 70% camel meat Bedouin Burgers.

Company spokeswoman Candida Mingerot, speaking to a press hack from the Salmonella Gazette, advised that they intended taking precautionary measures in the UK and any other country that might have a tendency to complain over the odd bit of old nag in their dinner – by performing DNA tests on the traditional Spaghetti Bollocknasty and Sheep Shagger’s Pie meals which were made by Romanian supplier Gyppo-Lunch SA.

“Whilst this comes down to a matter of personal taste and isn’t really a food safety issue, it is clearly unacceptable for our patrons to toss a lamb or beef oven-ready meal into the microwave and then read in the next morning’s paper that the damn thing was actually butchered from a carthorse that dropped dead while pulling some pikey family’s caravan over the Turnu Ro┼ču Pass in Transylvania’s Carpathian Mountains a couple of weeks previously."

This latest bout of ‘horse play’ bad news comes as the Food Standards Agency prepares to announce there has been a total loss of accountability in the entire food supply chain – which they are directly attributing to (blaming) Brussels lax EUSSR regulations that licence any old European-based pikey abattoir to deliver meat inside the 27 member community without a satisfactory standard of checks and balances in place.

The adage states that black propaganda and a pack of lies can sweep around the globe – and back - while the truth is still getting its boots on is an undeniable fact, which has led to this trade description brouhaha now spreading to Tel Aviv, with orthodox Jews in up in arms and accusing Palestinian Fatah and Hamas subversives working at Mama Shylock’s kosher foods plant of contaminating the iconic Manky Matzo snackies with pork.

This weird synchronicity of a global knock-on effect has also struck bovine-abstaining Hindus in the Indian state of Andhra Pradesh, with religious adherents from both the Vaishnavite and Shaivite denominations complaining that their Dunkin Dobbin horsemeat burgers have been contaminated with up to 30% beef.
Meanwhile a flood of complaints from Africa are being posted on Twitter - with Rwandan cannibals whingeing their canned Honky Meals contain too much ‘dark meat’ which turned out to be rhesus monkey and not the white Christian Missionary as advertised on the tin.

Thought for the day. Horse steaks on the Continent - if from a pedigree Lipizzaner stallion or thoroughbred mare instead of some dodgy Romanian Gyppo’s cart horse – are more expensive than the best grain-fed beef.
So who really gives a toss about horsemeat when we consider the crap that goes into the fast food chew n spew outlet meals with their pink slime ‘Barf Burgers’ or Pukesbury’s repulsive ‘Turkey Twizzlers’ that would make a feral cat throw up.

Just for laughs, does anyone fancy trotting down their local butchers and asking for a 'saddle' of lamb?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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