Friday, 22 March 2013

Prayer: A Waste of Time Kneeling

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Last Friday’s Red Nose Day turned into Red Face Day for the Beeb with complaints from the four corners of the known Universe pouring in by the barrow load and still ricocheting off the walls at Broadcasting House like a ballistic squirrel blasted out of its brain on crystal meth as every fucker and their dog seems to have been stricken with the dreaded lurgy pandemic symptoms of CSHFS - (Complete Sense of Humour Failure Syndrome).

BBC Comptroller Rupert McGroper, speaking to a gutter press hack from the Curmudgeons Gazette tabloid, opined that “Red Nose Day indeed – it ‘s turned out as more at ‘Punch in the Nose Day’ with all the angry phone calls, tweets and e-mails that have hit the communications desk. Seriously, I kid you not, any fucker would have thought we were auctioning off Jimmy Savile’s kiddie porn photo collection on Paedo Bay and not simply broadcasting a Comic Relief satire sketch on the Christian faith con’ trick.”

The actual ‘offending skit’ which featured Rowan Atkinson taking the piss out of the Archbishop of Canterbury and exposing the entire Catholic / Protestant mythical religious construct as a money-spinning / control mechanism scam designed by the First Century AD Roman Piso and Flavian dynasty authors of ‘The Gospels’ to get the offertory plates filled and keep the common herd in line until someone invented televisions - has now seen an excess of 40 million complaints land on BBC Trust Chairman Chris ‘Three Chins’ Patten’s desk since Friday.

In the pre-21:00 watershed sketch, Atkinson – portraying a fictional version of Archbishop Justin Welby - compared Jesus' disciples to a bunch of gullible dog wankers – and Judas as a right back-stabbing twat – the Judean equivalent of some low-life disgruntled whistle-blowing scumbag out for his Andy Warthole predicted 15 minutes of global fame – and the bedtime tradition of kneeling in prayer a total waste of space and effort.

Vatican spokesman Cardinal Guido Corruptioni, speaking to media hacks outside Rome’s St Sodom’s Church for Latter Day Catamites, opined that “This is all very distressing, for our new Pope Francis is only just getting into the job and we all know that the proletariat masses would all sooner listen to Rowan Atkinson cracking funnies on the telly and doing his Mr Beano impersonation than the Pontiff preaching the gospel and talking some serious shit about the declining morality of our Big Society and how we’re all in this together – or am I getting mixed up with Posh Dave Scameron?”

A host of UK stars were involved in this year's event - which marked Comic Relief's 67th anniversary – with the first 1945 show staged and hosted by impresario Sir Dinsdale McScrunt - and featuring the pathetic kikester vaudeville stand-up duo, Freddy & Felix, the Fagin twins - to offset the tragic-comedy shock of the British population finding out that World War Two was a bad joke on Hitler’s part which went totally wrong when he pretended to invade Poland back in September 1939 just to wind Neville Chamberlain up.

Other sketches featured X Factor mogul Simon Cowell being gang buggered by the strapon-wielding Dyke Sluts lesbo girl band he rejected on the show as being ‘too butch’ - while Ricky Gervais went to have that colossal ego massaged and his head exploded in a cloud of brain snot – followed by Ant and Duck getting burned at the stake – which was voted the best spot of the entire evening’s entertainment when the HSE exec couldn’t find the padlock key for their shackles and the fire brigade got stuck in traffic and arrived after nothing remained of the pair of Geordie dog wankers but ashes.

The official BBC apology line stated for the public record: “Whoops sorry, our mistake – as usual – but the sketch – all part of the charity fundraising effort to help people with red noses - was actually aimed at that segment of the national community equipped with a sense of humour and intended to amuse and entertain – and not really cause any offence to a bunch of miserable, whingeing bastards stricken with the collective IQs of the compost heap’s community of retarded nematodes."

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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