Thursday, 7 March 2013

Plods: Paedo Vigilantes Breaking Law

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A gang of vigilante wannabes from Smegmadale-on-Sea who pose as a group underage buxom blonde slappers on internet chat rooms to target and expose cruising paedo’s have been warned they could be breaking moronic EUSSR laws by breaching the suspect’s human rights – as grooming, per se, in Brussels isn’t a crime until the perp’s actually meet up with the pubescent filly and get down and dirty.

The self-styled Paedo-Watch group, who post on various adult social networking sites, namely Fuckbook, Convent Sluts and BD/SM Spank-a-Thon under a variety of titillating faux identities such as Chlamydia Frigarotti, Slagella McSkanger, Titsy Trollenberg, Fellattia Gammer and Candida Muffitch - then ambush the hapless respondent when he turns up for a spot of juicy jail bait and post videos on YouTube of them getting a good kicking.

Smegmashire Police confirmed to a press hack from the Pederasts Gazette that a man had recently been arrested on suspicion of inciting a minor to engage in sexual activity after a Skype video clip was e-mailed to them of him – Trouser Snake Ted - jacking off in front of his pc monitor for the erotic arousal and captivation of what he believed was 12-year old schoolgirl Bev Titwank who paged him on the adult Doggers Delight website with the enticing message:
“I’m lyin’ here on the bed wiv me laptop an’ givin’ meself one wiv a cucumber outa me Mum’s fridge an’ wonderin’ wot it would be like ter have a real cock up me bum? How do yer fancy helpin’ me out?”

When the would-be Lothario turned up at the rendezvous to meet Ms Titwank he was set upon by the Paedo-Watch group, debagged and wrapped in cling film - then his scrotum secured to the park railings with plastic tie wraps – and the encounter posted on YouTube.
Unfortunately for ‘Ted’ he was discovered in this embarrassing situation by a gang of soccer fan revellers, all the worse for booze, who took unfair advantage of his naked and bound predicament by sodomising him at one end while others engaged in forced suck n swallow blow jobs by pinching his nostrils until he opened wide and said ‘Ahhh’.

Conversely the Police claim that the Prosecution Service threw the case out as it constituted an act of entrapment due Trouser Snake Ted – pervert that he may be - being led up the proverbial garden path by persons ‘posing’ as an underage female – and what is more, making lewd and seductive suggestions.

Smegmadale Plod Squad’s Supt Ron Scrote informed media hacks that "We do not encourage vigilantism of this kind and I take the opportunity to warn those involved they could not only be breaking the law but also disrupting the likes of Operation Yewtree’s or Fernbridge’s ongoing criminal investigations.”

“Really, just imaging the brouhaha if this Paedo-Watch crew ended up with a Tory cabinet minister responding to one of their online chat room temptresses and the press turned up at dawn to find him stripped naked, bound in cling film and his bollocks tie-wrapped to a park fence. I joke not as Plebgate wouldn’t be in it when the shit hit the fan.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Nice one - a great spoof on the real thing