Essex Plods: Six Day Delay on 999 Calls

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Congratulations to the Essex Plod Squad who have this week won awards not only for gross incompetence but also their unprofessional ‘CCL’ (Couldn’t Care Less) attitude which was exposed to the scrutiny of the hapless council tax funding ‘common herd’ demographic after they took six days to respond to a 999 call from a couple of pensioners whose house was being burgled by a gang of Balkans scallies.

The victims, (Mr & Mrs Arthur McNumpty, of 15 Landfill Terraces) who spoke to a gutter press hack from the red top Daily Shitraker on conditions of anonymity in case of burglar (and police) reprisals, returned to their home in Thurrock to find a removals truck with Albanian registration plates in the drive and a motley-looking crew of pikeys emptying the contents of their bungalow.

Mr McNumpty, 96, informed the media that when they arrived home from a dirty weekend at Smegmadale-on-Sea and found the gang of men stacking their furniture on the lawn they suspected something might be wrong as the removals truck had Burglars-R-Us on the side.

Mrs McNumpty, 89, related “I thought ter meself – Oh shit – it’s the effin’ bailiffs come round ter nick our stuff cos we’d missed a payment on the Wonga-Wonga payday loan thingy wot we took out ter buy a new battery fer Arthur’s pacemaker. But then one of the heisters comes over an’ pokes a handgun in me ear just as I woz speed diallin’ 999 on the cellphone - an’ sez ‘if yer thinkin’ of callin’ the plods I’ll blow yer fuckin’ heads off’ – then grabs me phone, drops it on the road an’ stamps on it wiv his army boots – an’ that’s still on contract wiv Orange.”

A single constable finally turned up on his mountain bike six days later to investigate the incident, apologising for the fact they’d been ‘a bit busy’ and explained that “The Thurrock area’s covered by different policin’ units – includin’ Community Crime Teams, Neighbourhood Policin’ Teams, Response and Patrol vehicles an’ the Criminal Investigation Department as part of the Force's borderless policin’ concept – which as yer might well expect from such a muddled system cos no twat knows where these borders begin or end, the entire thing’s turned out ter be a total clusterfuck of calamitous proportions.”

“If yer want an instant response off the Essex Plod Squad then tell them someone just made a ‘politically incorrect’ homophobic racist remark ter you and they’ll be round in five minutes – wiv a couple of patrol cars an’ a chopper hoverin’ overhead – an’ have some fucker an’ their dog scannin’ CCTV footage of the area ter pin down the offender.”

“But yer lucky yer not livin’ in Aberdeen where disabled kids get raped by an establishment paedophile gang - and twelve years after one of their Mum’s rings up 999 they’re still waitin’ fer the police ter conduct a proper investigation.”

Essex Chief Constable Harry Dorkpuller gave media hacks the current circulation soundbite stock answer of: “Our apologies to the McNumpty’s for the six day delay in responding to their triple nine call – but luckily all their furniture turned up the following week when it appeared on a broadcast of Antique Roadshow. However we will examine how this hold up occurred to see if there are any lessons that can be learnt to prevent it from happening again.”

Lessons to be learned? Too fucking true – vote the not fit for purpose Tories – and the Lib-Dums – out of office and put an end to slashing law enforcement budgets - then recruit and train a Plod Squad in the old school fashion – and get shut of all these dog wanker wannabe PCSOs and Community Enforcement Officers and the G4S and Serco tossers from the Renta-Thug and Moron-Hire security agencies.

Thought for the day. Perhaps a clichéd joke but it applies to this crew: A hole has appeared in the road – the police are looking into it.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.