UK Plods Compete for Water Cannons

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Ignoring cries for a public debate over turning Broken Britain’s already control freak panopticon surveillance state apparatus into a hard line totalitarian state, the Chief Constables of England and Wales diverse Plod Squads are to press the Tory’s transvestite Home Secretary, Terry ‘Knackers’ May, to buy a fleet of high pressure water cannons from mad dog Israel’s leading arms manufacturer, Warmongers-R-Us - expressing a preference for the Rachel Corrie ‘Anarchist-Crusher’ 6 x 6 model that runs on a triple axle set of steel spiked tyres, and is additionally kitted out with a flash freeze refrigeration unit enabling the ‘H20 Howitzer’ to fire high velocity volleys of 10mm hailstones or ice flechettes for a range of 600 meters and pepper any Palestinian rock-chucker old enough to bleed.

Stressing that urgency is of the utmost in preparation to deal with this summer’s anticipated street protests and mass riots resulting from the next round of welfare benefit cuts, garden shed tax, mountain bike licensing and fuel duty hikes jointly inflicted on the common herd demographic by the Minister for Social Misery, Iain Dunkin Shit and Chancellor Georgie Osborne.

The Met Plod Squad’s Assistant Commissioner Cressida Dickhead, speaking on behalf of the Association of Chief Police Officers, informed one gutter press hack from the Autocrats Gazette that water cannons were required to control the predicted mass street protests resulting from ongoing and potential future austerity measures and revenue-generating tax measures to be imposed in the April budget .

Hmmm, sounds like the top Plods know something we of the common herd / useless eating electorate are not yet privy to.

A/C Dickhead - whose name is entered into the annals of infamy for sanctioning – then covering up - the 2005 Operation Kratos murder of Jean Charles de Menezes on Stockwell Tube Station by the Met’s SO19 Armed Response Unit trigger-happy gunslinging thugs – explained that: “As current Parliamentary regulations ban the use of live ammunition against crowds of protesters – unless of course they look like Muslim terrorist types – or Brazilian electricians – and napalm and white phosphorus grenades are right out – and we’ve flogged our entire stocks of rubber bullets to the despotic ruler of Bahrain, Sheikh Fizzy al Kaseltzer - then the next best bet is a fleet of water cannons like the plods use to wash the aggie Paddys down in Belfast when they head out on one of their brick-lobbing missions.”

London Mayor, Bonkers Boris Nonsense, has already announced a consultation on the introduction of water cannon onto the streets of London ready for the forecast 2014 ‘Summer of Discontent’ - since the Met’s ‘kettling’ of protest groups have been hit with HSE legal challenges following complaints of demonstrators being scalded.

The Acpo report reveals that on the advice of the rogue Israeli regime’s PM Bobo Nuttyahoo, the model of water cannon best suited for tackling fanatical anti-establishment anarchist elements of the UK’s multi-cultural Big Society is the ZioNazi state’s Rachel Corrie 6 x 6 ‘Anarchist-Crusher’ which can discharge its 9,000 litre capacity in a mere 5 minutes if running at full pressure and simply ‘wash away’ crowds of demonstrators in a veritable Biblical flood.

Conversely, the report further discloses that the water within the main reservoir must, under current Brussels HSE regulations, be kept at 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit / 37.0 degrees Celsius to prevent the onset of medical conditions associated with the shock of being exposed to freezing temperatures - as not only would the protesters get very wet but could be at risk of catching colds and in extreme cases, succumb to hypothermia - and being of that typically Bolshie working class caste, purposely collapse on the pavement and die en masse – posing a repeat of Ian Tomlinson’s final ‘Et Tu Harwood’ selfish performance at London’s 2009 G20 demo’s – simply to embarrass the authorities and get the police in trouble.

An additional downside to the 5 minutes maximum operating time is the 20 minutes – and longer - required to refill from a hydrant - depending on the water pressure available – and the unforeseen flash mob ‘hindrance factor’ of a gang of protesters chucking rocks – and much else that qualifies as ballistic material - at the refill crew while the main piss wet through protest crowd who couldn’t afford a wet suit get towelled off and change into dry clobber ready for their next protest / looting destination.

New, off the shelf, water cannons are estimated to cost between £600,000 and a whopping £1 million quid – depending on corrupt shifty shylock middlemen sales kickbacks and other assorted bribes to ranking government kleptocrats - and have a working life expectancy of up to 25 years – if not set ablaze with petrol bombs.

In what pro-democracy critics claim is the biggest piece of hypocrisy in the history of hypocrisy, Apco has stated that any water cannon bought by a force will be regarded as a ‘national asset’ – financed by the tax-paying voters - with the sole intention of such being used against the very same tax-paying voters if they dare respond to further austerity measures and tax hikes with displays of Oppositional Defiance Disorder which result in spontaneous anti-government protests.

Prudence and 20/20 hindsight should prompt the Apco tossers to review the history of water cannon use in Northern Ireland and the compensation paid out to injured demonstrators - and too innocent passers-by - who were saturated with skunk water or purple dye – and on occasions defoliating jets of the hydrofluoric acid used for dispersing those ‘really stubborn’ nightly paramilitary Mexican stand-off confrontations between the Papist Sinn Féin’s Falls Road knee-capping first eleven team and the Proddy UVF’s Shankill nailgun crucifixion gangs.

The Ulster Plod Squad’s water cannon fleet has now been stood down after Protestant rioters filed a sectarian-related human rights complaint with the EU’s Human Rights & Wrongs Commission in Stuttgart over being doused with the same consecrated holy water that was used on aggie Catholic protesters and demanded they revert to the customary 60/40 Guinness and River Liffey mix.

Thought for the day. Hmmm, not going to be much fucking use against outbreaks of rapid and agile disorder and the level of organised dynamic looting that occurred during the August 2011 riots, kick started by the ‘lawful murder’ of local Tottenham anti-Christ Mark Duggan – when the first targets for the Chavs and Yobster crews are branches of Sports Direct - to rip off new trainers and running gear – and the ubiquitous ‘Anonymous’ look XL hoodies, long peak baseball caps, wrap-around tints and golfing gloves – plus the entire stock of baseball bat cudgels.

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