UK Demands Immigrants Speak English

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Whistle-blowing moles inside New Labour’s party headquarters, obviously bearing a mega-sized grudge for some past offence (real or imagined) - plus a couple of axes to grind, have grassed up a scheme concocted by the not-fit-for purpose shadow government hierarchy – in which unemployed people who lack basic English, maths and computing skills should be stripped of their welfare benefits unless they take out a student loan with the Rothshite shifty shylock bankster’s Lifetime Debts Inc and sign up for an NVQ 1 ‘How to be British’ diploma training course.

Under this veritable fubar scam proposed by New Labour’s fuckwit of a leader Fast Eddie Millipede, if his party get back into office at next year’s general election then all new jobseeker allowance claimants will not only have to sit an ‘obligatory’ basic skills test to prove they can wipe their own arse and sing ‘God Save the Queen’ but also achieve an 85% score pass result – or forfeit their welfare benefits claim.

No sooner had word of this draconian plot reached the ears of Downing Street’s elite than PM Posh Dave Scameron donned his ‘austerity measures’ cloak and instructed spokeswoman Scabby Bertin to inform the media that henceforth benefits will be stripped from immigrants who cannot speak the Queen’s English – and with a BBC news announcer’s plum-in-mouth accent.

A visibly harried Bertin explained to the press that the original idea wasn’t New Labour’s but one they’d pilfered from the Minister for Social Misery, Iain Dunkin Shit, who intends to stop printing foreign languages welfare literature in a further bid to clamp down on benefit tourism and scrounging European economic migrants – and too claimants using taxpayer-funded translators at the welfare benefit offices.
“This idea is really super as if they can’t speak nor read or write in English then it will definitely put a stop to them claiming benefits and force the lot to sod off back to the Third World shitholes they came from.”
“Really, what do these Albanian swan roasters and vulgar Bulgars expect - coming over here if they can only speak some eastern European Balkans gyppo or pikey dialect - and the one bit of English they’ve memorised is off the wall of a bus shelter in Calais saying ‘Give me money’.”

Eric ‘Three Chins’ Pickles, the porcine Minister for Gastric Banding, opined that “Immigrants who cannot speak English have no way of being a contributing members of British society – unable to understand the intricacies of cricket, or the offside rule in soccer – or join the Freemasons – or even go down the local pub and tell a few Irish – or Polish – jokes.”

Pickles added that “I did make a suggestion to Dunkin Shit that if he intends to scrap the 20-page multiple language benefit claim forms then how about giving away Year One ‘Dick and Dora’ reading books to help immigrants learn basic English language skills – an idea which didn’t quite elicit the positive reaction I’d hoped for, as he told me to ‘eff off’.”

Conversely, Lib-Dum leader Mick Clogg, the coalition’s Deputy PM, cornered by press hacks as he left the House of Conmans to personally supervise the knee-capping of Lord Rennard of the Gropers to ensure he apologised to the dozens of split-arsed party faithful he subjected to streams of disgusting onanist sexual innuendo – then pulling his one-eared elephant trick and ‘pointing Percy at Parliament’ - plus a litany of clumsy fondling and minor molestation – read ‘inappropriate touching’ - incidents, such as slapping his flaccid cock into an intern’s hand and saying ‘Blow me, sugarplum’ - had this to say on the subject.

“Personally I’m at a loss to establish if our Tory partners have ever read the European human rights and wrongs act – as with this enforcement for immigrants from the other 27 member countries coming to Broken Britain on benefit tourism vacations to have to speak fluent English so they can be personally understood - and not bring some neighbour or relative along to translate - borders on an act of discrimination and racism equal to any of the crimes of bigotry the white South African apartheid government – or the Palestinian-bashing Israelis – have been guilty of.”

Ron McScrote, producer of Channel 4’s controversial Benefits Street documentary programme opined to one gutter press hack from the Scallies Gazette “Wot the fuck are these dildos runnin’ this circus without a tent coalition farce of a government – specifically Scameron and Clegg - gonna want next, I aks yer? That welfare claimants gotta have an effin’ university degree ter qualify fer jobseekers allowance? No shit, this shower of coalition tossers have some very nasty discrimination issues that are gonna come back and bite them squarely in the fucking arse by election day in May next year.”
“It’s all a load of bollocks an’ the culture of entitlement – whether it’s top notch born in the purple cum Masonic secret handshake club inheritance or the benefits of silver spoon / public school old boy network earning potential privilege - is only for the 1% ‘Have’s – that’s why they’re called the ‘Have’s’ – and us fuckin’ lot, the 99% common herd, are the ‘Have Nots’.”

Public service message: If you can’t speak English and want to claim welfare benefits for yourself, three wives and a litter of sprogs then simply fill in the online reply form below – in whatever language you’re most comfortable with (but no hieroglyphics please) - and you could be entitled to a whopping mega-bucks back payment ‘and’ a wad of compo’ from the DWP under the provisions of Brussels’ EUSSR human rights and wrongs legislation.

Thought for the day. Will this new welfare benefits knock-back ruling include a block on the provision of legal aid for hate-mongering immigrant Muslim clerics who only preach in their Arabic mother tongue when radicalising their madrassa flocks to overthrow our democratic freedoms?

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area and whilst purposely blending slanderous comments and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour and hard facts, may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.