Sunday, 19 January 2014

Now Official: World Gone Mad

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Councillor David ‘Bonkers’ Silvester from Henley-under-Thames who recently defected from the Nasty Party to UKIP, has blamed the recent storms and heavy floods across Broken Britain on the ‘Curse of Femmenella’ – invoked by the Government's decision to legalise gay marriage – informing one gutter press hack from the Faggot Bashers Gazette that Tory PM Austerity Dave Scameron had acted with supreme arrogance against the lessons of the Holy Gospels – and specifically the moral teachings of the Old Testament’s Leviticus which states without ambiguity that shirt-lifting fudgers are ‘an abomination’ – by sanctioning legislation that has legalised the gay marriages which are a root cause of this ‘Noah-revisited’ disaster.

Hmmm, the bloke might well have a point, but personally I still put the flooding factor down to the introduction of fatally-flawed industrial farming methods coupled with deforestation and decades-worth of shit-for-brains corrupt government planners being bribed to sign the permits for housing estates to be built on natural riverine flood plains – in the hope it didn’t rain too often – or for too long.

A nun who gave birth to a baby boy at the St Fellattia's Convent for Latter Day Skangers in the central Italian city of Riski claims she didn’t have a fucking clue she was preggers after being rushed to hospital with abdominal pains, which she put down to the laxatives she’d taken to resolve a week-long constipation condition.

The mother, originally from El Salvador, has named her newborn son Francis, after the current Pope – with Vatican spin doctors being quick off the mark to inform media hacks that this did not imply he was the father. So much for monastic vows of celibacy – or was this another Marian style immaculate conception?

An autopsy performed on the body of Ms Sunlamp Pushkart, wife of Mr Sushi Two-More, India’s Minister for Graft & Corruption, who was found dead on the floor of a Delhi hotel room on Friday with the TV antenna cable wrapped round her scrawny neck, has revealed a primary post mortem diagnosis that she died from ‘sudden and unnatural causes’ – a fact supported by a number of bruises on the body caused by impact trauma from a blunt instrument – possibly the gore-splattered baseball bat found lying beside her.

Government pathologist Dr Winnebago Chuckabutty informed press hacks that there were injury marks all over Ms Pushkart’s body, but didn’t yet know if these were linked to her death – doubtless a fact that will remain unresolved now Minister Two-More has been allowed to remove criminal evidence – specifically his wife’s body – and have it cremated.

Police detectives led by Inspector Achmed Jaffacake are reported to be investigating claims that the couple became embroiled in a proverbial public shit fight following the receipt of a stream of Twitter messages which fingered the minister of having an extra-marital sexual affair with the highly shaggable Pakiland Times journalist, Mehr Tarar – including pix of Sushi Two-More giving her one doggy style over the bonnet of his Mercedes limo.

Slaggie Twatcher’s ginger mingin cabinet minder, Lord Alfie McAlpen of Muesli Green, the vulgarian Irish-Swiss breakfast cereal tycoon, has finally popped his clogs at his tax-dodging exile B & B (strictly no poofters) home in Italy after succumbing to the ‘Curse of the Noncers’ and gone off to spend an eternity stoking the fires of Hell, along with the scores of kiddie fiddling Tory ministers already serving their sentences.

It will be remembered by canny scumbag watchers that McAlpen raked in mega-bucks compo sums from the BBC and ITV networks last year for ‘not’ mentioning his name in the ongoing paedophilia witch hunts – along with a further £15,000 quid from the shit-for-brains Sally ‘Piranha-Teeth’ Bercow – the Amazon slapper spouse of midget House of Conmans Speaker, ‘Little Johnny’ Bercow - who tweeted some dreadful blonde moment libellous comment viz Lord Alfie’s preference for sodomising underage Welsh boys as opposed to cuddly sheep.

Hmmm, one is left to ponder on how much the Beeb and ITV would have been compelled to fork out if they ‘had’ actually named McAlpen as one of the Twatcher era’s cabinet bumboy cabal?

In what some view as a revival of the Roman Catholic Church’s abusive practices (indulgences, simony and sodomy) that drove Martin Luther to nail his Ninety-Five Theses to the door of All Saints in Wittenberg in 1517 – an act which contributed to the Great Schism and the foundation of idolatry-devoid Protestantism Reformation – thousands of animals have been blessed outside the Vatican to celebrate the feast of Saint Anthony - the patron saint of dogs and cats.

Farmers with cows, horses, chickens, geese and ducks – plus a veritable Noah’s Ark ‘aardvarks to zebras’ compliment of diverse animal species –- filled Saint Peter's Square with a six inch layer of stinking shite as a priest clad in waders and a big hat blessed animals and birds and goldfish alike – and actually baptised several pets for owners with a spare 100 euro bill to add to the offertory plate collection.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area and whilst purposely blending slanderous comments and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour and hard facts, may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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