Tory Plot to Trash Forests: Plan B

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

According to the latest divinely-inspired gospel from the Nasty Party’s Defra Minister, Owen ‘Cobblers’ Paterson, ‘developers’ (read ‘profit-motivated environmental pillagers’) could be allowed to destroy ancient woodland if they agreed to plant more trees ‘elsewhere’. (Que? Will some fucker please define ‘elsewhere’? Egypt? The Dogger Bank? Barclay’s Bank? In Never-Never Land? On Cloud Cuckoo? Where is this elusive, enigmatic ‘elsewhere’ exactly?)

Playing a nonsensical ‘rhetorical semantics’ wild card hand to bestow credence and justification for this latest backdoor attempt to devastate and lay waste to the ancient woodlands of our once-sceptred isle, Paterson opined to one gutter press hack from the Hack & Burn Gazette that ‘biodiversity offsetting’ (WTF kind of Orwellian ‘newspeak’ is that?) could provide ‘a better environment over the long term’ – less trees / more concrete and railway lines – a proposal which critics have been quick to label as a government licence to ‘trash nature’.

Cobblers has previously expressed frustration with Broken Britain’s planning system, which he claims gives precedence to silly environmental concerns over the dire need for more wind farms, nuclear power stations, shale gas fracking sites and fields of genetically-modified Frankenfood crops.

“Hey, the tree-hugging common herd need to look at the big picture and get with the programme. Just think of how many zillions of big old trees we’re going to chop down when the HS2 high speed Rattle-Track project cuts a swathe of devastation through the middle of the English greenbelt.”

In support of his flawed argument Paterson further cited the construction of the M6 toll road around Brummystan as justification for his biodiversity-famine scheme, claiming 10,000 mature hardwood trees had been chopped down for firewood but a million Christmas conifers were planted along the hard shoulder to appease the divergent greenies – which would look very nice when it snowed.
However the moronic Farmer Owen was coerced by aggie media hacks into acknowledging that the scale of Britain’s ancient woodlands could not be recreated overnight – as it takes a long, long time for a tiny acorn to grow into a great stalwart oak.

In a quick-fix damage control response to offset incoming flack, saner, common sense minds at the Department for the Environment stressed it was extremely unlikely (but not impossible) that planning permission would be granted on property covered by ancient woodland regardless of Paterson’s ramblings that his priority as Defra Minister was to boost the rural economy – but ensure it was kept in harmony with nature – and sometimes a few trees needed felling to achieve this skewed balance.

Ron McScrote, spokesman for Friends of the Earth, opined to gutter press hacks that instead of putting nature up for sale the government should come up with a long term planning system to protect Britain's wildlife – bunnies, birdies and squirrels – and the first move in the right direction would be to ditch Farmer Owen who harboured nothing but disrespect for Mother Nature by pushing the recent and abortive badger cull - and spent his time lobbying for the toxic agro-chemical and energy exploiters of the environment – Puff n Blow Wind Farms; Scum-Drill Frackers; Nasty Nuclear Fuels and Monsanto Frankenfoods with their Insta-Tumour GM terminator seed crops that even the fucking rats won’t eat.

“Wot we got here is yet another stellar instance of Tory Party values at their graphic worse. If it’s not subsidised wind farms blightin’ the effin’ horizons an’ coastlines then they’re floggin’ us Jap-crap Fuckupshima model nuke power plants an’ this groundwater-pollutin’ shale gas frackin’ wot’s gonna bring the price of domestic gas down ter sweet fuck all – I don’t think.”

“We, the electorate wot comprises the voting demographic of this country, are sick ter the effin’ teeth wiv attempts ter trash the forests an’ Owen Paterson is yet another classical example of Mother Nature’s failed experiment wiv semi-intelligent bipeds.”

“Takin’ the Nasty Party’s post-2010 election ‘one size fits all’ political policy platform ter new levels of gross stupidity, this is Plan B / Part 2 of the Tory scam ter flog off our national forests ter a bunch of profit-driven environmental pillagers wot want ter tear up the trees ter build rows of shoe box dwellings - then in a display of hypocrisy-ridden irony, name the roads after the very centuries old botanical wonders wot they’ve uprooted: Oak Wood Drive; Beech Crescent; Yewtree Lane; Giant Sequoia Avenue – whatever – but all blighted by the vertical thrusting obscenity of telegraph poles, street lights an’ cellphone an’ Wi-Fi signal booster modules.”

“Where this Con-Dem Coalition fubar find these tossers I’m fucked if I know. They’re all moronic Common Purpose-trained (read NLP brainwashed) knobheads wot thinks wood grows on trees. Like that xenophobic excuse for an immigration minister Mark ‘Firewood’ Harper – the very same dog wanker wot proposed sellin’ off our woodlands ter the Sahara Forest Trading Corp – an’ is double-damned in my eyes for fieldin’ the racist ‘Pikeys Go Home or Risk Arrest’ vans drivin’ round London.”

“Course, Harper’s just like Paterson, another conflict of interest corrupt politician an’ member of the cabinet’s Zillionaire’s Club (WTF - aren’t they all?) stricken wiv the curse of ‘sinecurism’ cos the Fortune 500 index is their true constituency. An’ let’s not forget the ginger mingin Caroline ‘Sugar Beet’ Spelman, the Tory MP for Middens. This Desperate Dan chinned slapper woz in on the first forest sell-off scam too an’ is marred wiv severe credibility issues - like Nannygate for starters.”

Hmmm, one seems to recall that Posh Dave Scameron bid Spelman to go forth, grovelling into the House of Conmans on her knobbly knees, clad in fuck all but sackcloth and ashes, and apologise to every fucker and their dog for attempting to chop down all our trees. So what is Paterson’s penance fate to be when the same public knee-jerk reaction kicks in and the Friends of the Earth and Countryside Alliance demand his IQ-deficient head on a platter?

So, to the maxim that if a tree falls in the forest and there’s no-one around to hear it, does it actually make a noise? If this corrupt arsehole Cobblers Paterson is anywhere around with a chain saw or axe then some fucker is most definitely gonna hear it.

Point to remember, prolific old growth forests have established themselves over centuries via the route of Darwinian natural selection’s hit n miss system – the most suitable terrain and sub soil and weather protection.
You can plant all the fucking acorns and beech nuts, sweet chestnuts and conkers, rowan, lime, hornbeam seeds – or alder and birch strobiles or the proud evergreen conifer cones – but they ain’t gonna prosper and grow to maturity on a landfill site or round the soccer pitch of some Asbo sink or swim social housing estate or Pikey caravan park.

To wit, the woodlands are not the governments to loan, barter, trade or sell – they belong to us – the peasant demographic and we want them left alone – and no more feeble excuses and faulty science crap from the Fortune 500 energy stooge Paterson about it’s good for ancient woodlands to be chopped down and grow again.

Ah well, while there is no such thing as ‘conventional political wisdom’ there does exist a phenomenon, and all too frequently displayed, known as ‘conventional political stupidity’ – which seems in the Con-Dem coalition’s case, to be a sore thumb constant.

Thought for the day. If old conflict of interest Owen ‘Cobblers’ Paterson – the ‘corporate lobbyist MP’ - put as much effort into initiating police investigations and seeking justice for the special needs and disabled children such as Hollie Greig – a victim of serial sexual abuse and resident of his neglected North Slopshire constituency - as he does shilling for the likes of Monsanto and mutagenic GM Frankenfood crops, along with the environmental disaster toxic fracking industry – and sponsoring badger culls, then he might pass muster as being fit for purpose as an MP in the human / public interest department, but sadly that is not the case. There’s only one person in Cobblers’ life – and that’s the egocentric Cobblers.

Despite repeated petitions and presentations of documented medical evidence of sexual abuse and serial rape by an elitist pederast group – with the 20-plus offenders named by Hollie and her mother - Paterson continues with the Tory / BBC official establishment line of ignoring the plight of sexually abused children – and too the harassment and further abuse of Hollie and her mother Anne by his own Shropshire Council social services and police – and the corrupt Court of Protection slapping mum Anne with a gagging order interdict to prevent her contacting the legions of supporters of the Hollie Demands Justice group.

The disgusting revelations of the Jimbo Savile and Cyril Smith scandals besides, what else can we expect from a Masonic-dominated civil service and a Parliament – upper and lower houses – that are chocker full of raving fudgers and kiddie fiddling deviants.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.