Friday, 16 October 2009

Tomcat Registered as Hypnotherapist

While the age-old adage of “Even a cat can look at a King” might now be clich├ęd and threadbare the regulation of Nation Health Service medical staff – specifically qualified hypnotherapists - in the UK is so slipshod that even a cat can become accredited, according to a report in last weekend’s Daily Shitraker magazine supplement.

Turbo Tatswiller, an investigative journalist for the gutter press news tabloid, and an amateur pub magician and mesmerist himself, registered his pet ginger minger tomcat Tiddles with the NHS-registered British Hypnotherapy Practitioner Association (BHPA) on the dubious strength of dodgy qualifications from the Cracow-based ‘Polish Medical Board for Neuro-Linguistic Programming’ and the ‘Nigerian Institute of Advanced 419 Hypnotics’.

The BHPA accepted the spurious certificates from the two overseas institutes as proof of Tiddle's credentials – even though the Polish qualification was printed on the back of a Greedy Grocer supermarket Corn Flakes packet.

Dr. Candida Dorkberg, the chief accrediting officer for the BHPA and herself a practicing clinical psychotherapist at the Smegmadale Lunatic Asylum, told a reporter from the Charlatan’s Gazette “Seriously, I was simply fascinated by Tiddle’s credentials and certificates and especially his PhD thesis work with experimental mesmerism on field mice and Syrian gerbils.”

After the British Hypnotherapy Practitioner Association gross faux pas was recently revealed in the Shitraker’s supplement they filed a High Court lawsuit against the news tabloid and Tatswiller to sue on the grounds of deception.

Tatswiller told the court "In light of the recent scandals involving immigrants coming to the UK and getting jobs in hospitals with nary a clue what they’re doing, I felt I'd test my hypothesis that the British NHS will accredit anybody with a bit of paper – probably forged and printed out from Microslop Publisher – that states they’re qualified as a ‘medical whatever’ – from nurse to neurosurgeon to cardiac specialist to mortician.”

“So I did that by getting my pet tomcat Tiddles certified by a couple of the most prominent online hypnotherapy institutions in Europe and Africa for a moderate fee – the main source of the NHS’s dodgy medical staffers – and the BHPA accepted the cat’s credentials without question.”

Dr. Tiddles (BHPA) is available for consultations at his London-based Harley Street surgery from Monday to Friday - 10:00 am until 5:00pm - and can be contacted for next day appointments via e-mail at

Stop press: Tiddles appears briefly in a cameo role in the new George Clooney hypno-psychic thriller action movie “Men Who Stare at Goats” - due for release in January - in which he attacks a Jolly Jihadi terrorist cell's computer mouse.

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