Wednesday, 14 October 2009

EU Bans Pets from Parks

In what community critics across the UK are calling the most stupid idea to be thought up since the last stupid idea was thought up, borough councils in England and Wales have used their draconic new EU powers to ban dogs from parks, open spaces and beaches, often without owners being aware of the restrictions.

In many council-run areas dominated by their Gestapo-style Civil Enforcement Bullies (formerly Traffic Wardens) from the Renta-Thug PFI agency owners are also being made to keep dogs on leads.

Fines for breaching the law vary from £25 to £80, but if a council decides to bring one of their regular spiteful prosecutions against some hapless old age pensioner in a magistrates’ court to make a community pariah example of them, the penalty rises to a maximum of £1,000.

The Smegmadale-based National Kennel Club has been inundated with complaints, and raised concerns with ministers and opposition parties over where their dogs are expected to take daily exercise and have a crap.

Fellattia Sodomberg, senior ‘cack-bagging’ officer for the club, said that the problem arose from powers in the EU’s new Clean Neighbourhood and Environment Act which is a first attempt to push a ban on all types of household pets – from exotics like Komodo dragons and pygmy whire rhino’s to the basic and ubiquitous dogs and cats – then ranging down to budgies and hamsters – and evertually Koi carp and Wu Tang clan goldfish as climate change enforces water rationing.

The numb-witted architect of the EU’s ‘Clean Neighbourhood and Environment Act’ – the Brussels-based Minister for Wasting Time and Money – Pierre de Twatte – told a reporter from the Morons Weekly Review “Now the Irish have ratified the Treaty of Lisbon we are free to go ahead and put our fascist Big Brother Federation plans into action.”

“I am fed up with treading in piles of doggy poo every time I take my lunchtime stroll in the Abbaye de La Cambre park and my secretary, Miss Kafka, is getting very fed up with having to clean shit off my shoes and the office carpets when I return.”
“Thus we shall ban all these nasty dogs from our parks right across Europe.”

One intrepid Fux News reporter questioned Monsieur de Twatte on the existing policy of dog owners having to ‘bag’ their canine’s digestive data when they ‘downloaded’ in the park – to which he responded “This ruling did not work so we consulted our chief EU veterinarian about having dog owners give their animals an enema before they left home to give Fido a run in the park.”
“Unfortunately his opinion was one of “No way I’m sticking an effing hose pipe up a Wolfhound’s arse.”

No comments: