Monday, 26 October 2009

Balkanized Iraq Needs Strong Leadership

At least 132 people have been killed and 520 injured in two massive car bomb attacks in Baghdad, according to the FUBAR News Agency and reports coming in on the Abattoir Channel.

The blasts hit the Department of Injustice building and the nearby Ministry of Firewood near the jolly Green Zone, causing what army ordnance specialists termed ‘lots and lots of damage’.

The explosions occurred in quick succession at approximately 10:30 hours local time as people headed to their local Jobcenntres on scrounging missions or engaged in shoplifting excursions during the morning rush hour.

Foreign war correspondents holding a requiem mass in the lounge bar of the Sheraton Hotel told each other this is the deadliest day in Iraq since the last deadliest day – about a week ago.

The sheer size of the blasts have drawn comparison with a similar incident at the Ministry for Graft and Corruption in August when Mustafa Jaffacake - the Secretary for Bribes’ - over-stuffed wallet reached critical mass and underwent a dynamic chain reaction - exploding in a sub-nuclear fireball, killing at least 100 people and injuring millions more.

But those responsible for today’s destructive atrocities - government spokesman Ali bin Doggybag told one reporter from Fux News - he personally suspected were al-Qaeda's Saracen Scally militants - or perhaps members of Saddam Hussein's former Mukhabarat secret service agents being behind the attacks.

"The initial analysis shows that it might just bear the fingerprint of al-Qaeda or Taliban Dan – or probably the Baathists as the first bomb was concealed in a bathtub stuck on the back of a pickup truck – that is the give-away - definitely Mukhabarat."

There were conflicting reports from the Iraqi police and the military and other security officials about whether suicide bombers were involved or not – but none none of the three groups seemed to have much idea about what the fuck had happened or was going on – apart from the fact it was time for lunch.

The BBC's correspondent in Baghdad, Gerbhard Greenhouse, said he felt the force of the explosions this morning, even though he was several miles away interviewing bar staff for breakfast television at a local halal cocktail and belly dancing lounge.

Iraqi officials claim the number of dead and wounded is likely to rise, as rescue workers dig through the rubble to search for survivors and they count up all the hands and feet that have come to land on neighbouring rooftops.

But once the Ministry for Nasty Rumours has finished spreading lies the finger of blame is likely to point to insurgents or foreign fighters trying to destabilise the already shaky security situation ahead of pre-rigged Iraqi elections early next year.

Overall, violence has dropped dramatically in Iraq compared to a year ago when the gung-ho Yanks were still there as a semi-coherent military force but sporadic attacks still continue in several parts of the country dominated by Zionist Mossad agents.

Iraqi politicians and UN advisors unanimously agree that what the country now needs is a return to the type of strong and determined leadership they had under Saddam Hussein – to bring cohesion back to the fragmented tribal areas that were created and promoted by the meddling Coalition of the Morons following their 2003 illegal invasion.

Ministry of Propaganda spokesman Ramadan Danny summed the current political instability up with this: “We need Saddam back from his secret exile refuge in Kazakhstan – he’s the only bloke who could ever keep this shithole in order.”

“There was no problem between Sunni-side ups and Shites – and the Kurds and other marginalised minorities would never have dared cede from the sovereign state when the Boss was here – as they all feared our weapons of mass distraction would be used against them double-quick – within 45 minutes in fact – then the Americans invade and found out it was all bluff and bluster and we didn’t have any nuclear nasties – shame!”
“Personally I blame David Kelly for that shag-up.”

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