Saturday, 10 October 2009

DVLA Driving Theory Test : RentaCon

The current UK Driving and Vehicle Licensing Agency’s driving test theory section is proving to be nothing more than a crooked revenue generator of Ponzi / Pyramid scheme proportions for the dodgy New Labour government.

The theory side of the test alone bills provisional license holder candidates a £30 fee each time they sit said test – with a dismal pass rate of 60% for first-timers and 63% for second time participants.
Budding young drivers must pass the theory section of the test before they can move onto taking their actual practical test – with a theory section pass demanding a minimum score of 86%.

So in a bid to keep under- 25 year-old racing mad yobs and yobettes off the roads as long as possible the test centre panjandrums have now connived to fail 90% of first and second try candidates automatically - regardless of them achieving top marks - until they’re milked financially dry or throw a wobbler and snuff their jobsworth test examiner with extreme prejudice.

According to several disaffected snitches working in the DVLA’s ‘Grassers’ department the felonious scheme is further designed to cut carbon emissions, generate a steady cash flow of funds to finance New Labour’s on-going war in Afghanistan, compensate dodgy banks for their gross incompetence – and further pay for the plethora of idiotic mistakes made by Gordon Broon’s hopeless government in commissioning mega-bucks PFI schemes.

One DVLA snitch, who spoke to the Ripoffs Gazette on conditions of anonymity (Hector McTwat) claims the theory test failure scam is one of the biggest con’s since privately-owned central banks were licensed to print money and the Catholic Church set up shop in Rome – and elsewhere – peddling Divine forgiveness for Earthly sins and the guarantee of Resurrection.

Other insider snitches claim the actual theory test multiple choice questions were complied by Regent Park Zoo’s primate-manned Institute for Advanced Guessology – of which each and every possible answer will be wrong.

The snitch group provided a sample printed copy of the test questions that a candidate would be presented with on their computerised electronic screen – which if they failed the test would not be informed of which questions they answered incorrectly so they might revise and learn by for future attempts.

You are following a vehicle on a wet road. You should maintain a distance of at least? - Mark one answer.
One metric foot
Two meters
Three furlongs
Four nautical miles

Why should you always reduce your speed when travelling in fog? - Mark one answer.
To save fuel
You might miss a sexy hitchhiker
Provide a good excuse for arriving late
You can’t see potholes or IED landmines

You stop for pedestrians waiting to cross at a zebra crossing. They do not start to cross.
What should you do? - Mark one answer.
Wait until they start to cross then pretend to accelerate
Sound your horn
Shake your head and drive on
Shout and swear at them while revving the engine

A swarm of lemming start to cross the cliff top road in front of you.
What should you do? - Mark one answer.
Stop until they’ve all plummeted over the cliff
Assist their suicide pact by running them over
Drive slowly on and listen to them crunch
Call Samaritans on your mobile and try to head them off

An MOT certificate is normally valid for? - Mark one answer.
What’s an MOT certificate?
Whatever date MS Publisher put when forging it
Until you flog the motor
Next Christmas

You wish to park facing DOWNHILL.
Which TWO of the following should you do? - Mark two answers.
Stick a handy housebrick under the front wheel
Rest the front bumper against a lamp post
Park with one wheel in any nearby pothole
Leave car in reverse gear
Turn the steering wheel into the kerb

Motorcyclists will often look round over their right shoulder just before turning right.
This is because? - Mark one answer.
They want to see if their mates are close behind
Motorcyclists generally have Parkinson’s Disease
To have a good gob at some PCSO plastic plod
They’re checking for police speed cops following them

When driving in falling snow you should? - Mark one answer.
Keep warm and wear gloves
Carry a shovel and sled
Watch out for Santa Claus and his reindeer
Sing ‘Jingle Bells’

In which of these situations should you avoid overtaking? - Mark one answer
After swilling a few pints
While boarding a cross-Channel ferry
In a supermarket car park
On a filling station forecourse

On a three-lane motorway which lane should you normally use? - Mark one answer.
The hard shoulder

You are driving along a country road. A horse and rider are approaching. What should you do? - Mark two answers.
Shout “Get outa the fuckin’ way Dobbin!”
Sound your horn
Flash your headlights
Force the horse onto the grass verge
Broadside the stupid donkey
Rev your engine

To avoid a collision when entering a one-way street the wrong way, you should? - Mark two answers.
Sound your horn and put your clog down
Flash your lights at oncoming vehicles
Give other drivers the finger
Open the window and shout “Police emergency!”

Your mobile phone rings while you are travelling down the motorway
you should? - Mark one answer.
Answer it immediately
Text them back
Tell them to leave voicemail
Pull up at the nearest curb

Due global warming summer driving can now get very hot. Which TWO of the following will be most affected on your car? - Mark two answers.
The air conditioning
The automatic beer cooler
The CD player
The sunroof

Anti-lock brakes prevent wheels from locking. This means the tyres are less likely to? - Mark one answer.
Smoke like a Turkish bong
Wear fast
Screech like a boiled cat

What is the most likely cause of high fuel consumption? - Mark one answer?
Engine’s totally fucked
Hole rotted in gas tank
Kids siphoning off gas
Handbrake left on

The fluid level in your battery is low. What should you top it up with? - Mark one answer.
Piss in it
Starfucks latte
Lucozade or Sunny D’ orange drink
Engine oil

You are at the scene of a vehicle accident.
Someone is bleeding and suffering from shock. You should? - Mark four answers.
Go through their pockets
Offer them a cigarette
Tell them about Jesus
Poke them with a stick
Say a prayer for them
Sell them an insurance policy

Which of the following may cause loss of concentration on a long journey? - Mark four answers.
Meteorite strike
UFO landing
Enjoying a blow job
Unscheduled Jolly Jihadi terrorist attack
Mass pile up

You must NOT sound your horn? - Mark one answer.
In a church car park
At the drive-in cinema to prompt waitress service
While waiting for a traffic control plod to wave you on
During a funeral procession

Before starting a journey it is wise to plan your route. How can you do this? - Mark one answer.
Steal a DGPS unit
Phone Samaritans
Nick a road map from WH Smiths
Follow a bus going to the same place

How should you dispose of a used battery? - Mark two answers.
Flog it to a Pikey scrapman
Toss it in the canal
Give it to Oxfam
Wrap in brown paper, leave outside Town Hall – let bomb disposal take care of it.
Dump it in your neighbour’s wheelie bin

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