Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Church Declares Halloween ‘Demonic’

A Smegmashire Church of England magazine – the Avenging Angel - has drawn severe criticism from the laity for describing people participating in traditional Halloween celebrations as "siding with the Devil".

The Avenging Angel article also claims the children’s practice of ‘trick or treat’ is based on extortion and blackmail and encourages kids to pursue criminal careers as stockbrokers, bankers and politicians.

The article, which appeared alongside the magazine’s ‘Brimstone & Fire’ classified ‘Indulgences’ section – was penned by the local Protestant fundamentalist and Dogger’s Hill hermit Fr. Quentin Thort-Nott.
Unfortunately Father Thort-Nott was unavailable for media comment due taking his annual sabbatical at The Priory mental institute to undergo treatment for his rumoured chronic rhubarb addiction.

However, the magazine’s executive editor Rev. Jarvis Prude - the Bishop of Smegmadale - candidly ventured to one reporter from the Puritans Gazette that the sanctimonious article "certainly raised some very serious questions about 21st Century morality – especially so where demanding reward via the medium of menaces is concerned.”

The monthly publication goes out to thousands of homes in the Smegmadale Valley region as well as scores of churches and community centres.

The article targets and condemns parents who take their youngsters trick-or-treating, declaring it is a time when normal law-abiding people damage their "good neighbours" property and in some cases terrify elderly people to death with their Satanic ‘tricks’ if the required extorted ‘treat’ is not forthcoming.

Conversely - speaking on behalf of the independent ‘Church of What’s Happening Now’ - the Right Reverend Wilberforce Whippet opined to the Inquisition Weekly Review "Actually I wholly disagree with what this magazine article is focusing on. I think it is raising certain fair questions but it overstates the case.”

"My personal view is that if we are really targeting the Earthly manifest works of Old Nick we should be looking in a different direction – towards Israeli and poor Gaza perhaps to start with – and then on through Iraq to Afghanistan."

The Rev Morton Scrunt, from the Numpty Dumpty Independent Methodist Church, has however joined forces with the article’s author Fr. Quentin Thort-Nott, and further launched an online petition to stop this October’s planned event – publicly declaring to anyone daft enough to listen and pay heed “The annual Halloween carnival encourages Satanism and has brought a curse on the entire Smegmadale Valley.”

“Just look how this curse and pestilence has manifested – all the drains blocked in the High Street every time it rains - and Pukesbury’s supermarket recycling bins being targeted by arsonist yobs last weekend – plus the valley’s internet Broadband cable getting struck by lightning.”

Rev. Scrunt further sermonised “Halloween celebrations are truly the Devil’s work for they attempt to make evil look innocent by the involvement of children,” and appealed for ‘God-fearing’ families to boycott the festival, sell all their material possessions and give the money to the church in return for eternal salvation.

Regardless of the religious zealot’s warnings of ‘Hellfire and Damnation’ the planned annual Triple Six Halloween Carnival will take place as usual on the Smegmadale town green on the 30th and 31st October.

The two-day festival will be packed with barrel-loads of family fun – including magic shows, porno’ movies, demonic possessions, a black cat juggling competition and live human sacrifices - then is planned to culminate in a spectacular firework display to coincide with local broomstick merchants setting fire to the Reverend Scrunt’s Methodist Church.

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