Friday, 2 October 2009

Library Scissors : Weapons of Mass Distraction

Greater London’s Scumdale Hamlets council has apologised after a student was refused the loan of a pair of scissors in a library because she ‘might stab a member of staff’.

Rita McScrunt, a 15-year old mother of three, had her request to borrow a pair of paper scissors from the librarian’s desk turned down at Scumdale Hamlets Library in central London.

Ms McScrunt, from Scallyford, north London told a reporter from the Serial Killer’s Gazette "I asked why I couldn't borrow a pair of scissors to trim me night school work photocopies and the librarian bitch sez “They’re sharp like an’ yer might just stab me wiv the fuckers”.
“So I asks her real nice like if I can borrow the guillotine to cut up me photocopied leaflets but she tells me ter eff’ off again cos I might chop her head off wiv it.”

Rita concluded "It's ridiculous - public libraries are supposed to be supportive of single mum’s an’ people like me doin’ further education work – so wot’s the point of havin’ them staffed with squirly bitches wot’s fucked in the head?"

The librarian in question, a certain Mrs. Candida Twatrot, apparently suffers from paranoid delusions and other psychotic episodes since being attacked and triple-hole gang raped by a group of hoodies last year who borrowed a set of library books dealing with Devil worship sacrifices and the Jack the Ripper murders – then crucified her against the bookshelves when she requested they keep their noise down and stop swigging Sunny D’ meths cocktails and smoking spliffs in the reference area.

Similar disturbing incidents involving Mrs. Twatrot have apparently been reported to the local council offices. Last month she refused to check out an Encyclopaedia Britannia volume for a disabled male pensioner as she considered it ‘very heavy’ and he might hit her over the head with it then have his ‘wicked way’ with her unconscious prostrate body.

Mr. Ali bin Jaffacake, the Pakistani owner of the neighbourhood Jolly Jihadi 24/7 Stop & Rob convenience store, was prohibited from withdrawing a book on Basic Chemistry for his elementary school age son Mustafa as Mrs. Twatrot suspected he was sourcing explosive and pyrotechnic recipes for suicide bombs to blow up the library.

Ms Fellattia Sodomberg, a spokeswoman for Scumdale Hamlets Council, which runs the library, has apologised to Ms. McScrunt for the misunderstanding and said it would investigate the latest ‘scissors’ incident.

Conversely Simon Fuctifino, head of the local Health and Safety Executive, informed a reporter from the Tortoise Polishers Gazette there was no policy in place on lending sharp implements – or heavy books – but concluded "However, people know their individual workplaces and must carry out their own risk assessments – especially so when they genuinely fear their lives might be endangered by psychopathic members of the public.”

“Believe me, under the new EU legislation, the position of librarian is now classed as a ‘high risk’ profession - on a par with mine and bomb disposal in one of our many Middle Eastern war zones.”

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