M & S Staff Trained to Stop Suicides - Que?

Under the latest EU legislation to impose a Big Bully federal state, the UK’s Ministry for Daft Ideas has ordained that the likes of hairdressers and taxi drivers are to be trained to help spot vulnerable people who might be contemplating taking their own lives.

The entire ranks of Jobcentre Plus workers and Mamon & Snobfords’ supermarket staff are also being given basic counselling skills in suicide prevention by self-harm spotters from the Samaritans organisation.

During a six-week period in the summer, 380 people took their own lives while waiting for a taxi - which was hardly surprising considering the weather.
A further 416 odd folk – mainly menopausal maniac females of the species - opted for ritual seppuku after a visit to their hairdresser – with a grand 638 punters committing suicide while waiting at checkout counters after shopping at branches of Mamon & Snobfords’ supermarkets.

But the record to date goes to the government quango Jobcentre Plus who have won a place in the prestigious Guinness Book of World Records by having a total of 2,783 unemployed peasant go for the felo-de-se option in a single month – with one terminal self-harmer shouting aloud “Yer should call the fuckin’ place the ‘Jobless Centre’ cos yer never find us any effin’ work,” – before plunging himself head first into an industrial CV shredder.

Research carried out by Smegmadale Zoo’s primate department has shown that people feeling depressed may be more willing to discuss their problems with relative strangers rather than friends or family – or expensive immigrant NHS psychiatrists - because they feel embarrassed about talking to someone they know and might grass them up to the entire neighbourhood for a bit of a laugh.

A trip to the hairdressers or barbers is estimated to be a time when people like to chat - positively or negatively.
One of the people being trained in the new skills is Rita McTwat, a 15-year old mother of four who runs the Scabby Slappers hairdressing salon at Smegmadale-on-Sea

Rita claims talking can be as much part of the job as cutting and styling. "Some people really open up while they're having their hair cut yer know – like one old bag sez ter me yesterday “Shit Rita – me back’s bin givin’ me hell all week - I feels like committin’ suicide,” – so I sez to her “Do yer want me ter cut yer throat fer yer like while I’m doin’ yer rinse - or do yer want ter wait til yer gets home?”

“Pity really, as she’d just paid me 35 quid fer the trim an’ a perm’- but it’s a lot effin’ cheaper than flyin’ off ter Switzerland ter one of them fancy Renta-Snuff clinics.”