Friday, 2 October 2009

PM Brown Runs Amok – Millions Feared Dead

A most beleaguered Gordon ‘Culpability’ Brown returned to the airwaves today following his previous evening’s TV interview disaster as he tried to end the annual New Labour party conference with at least some portion of the voting public and traditional supporters, sponsors and donors etc still believing he and his cabinet have at least half an idea of how to run the country until they get unanimously voted out of office next year.

Last night Brown, tired and over-emotional after a few drams of superior first malt ‘Jock Juice’ -and visibly exhibiting the stresses and strains of having to put up with a cabinet full of dunces even thicker than himself – plus watch his back when Lord Scandalson of the Long Knives is around - exploded with anger on live television during an interview with Sky’s answer to Torquemada - Mr Armitage Shanks.

A visibly rattled Prime Minister rounded on critics for being ‘obsessed’ with his lack of personality and having ‘one eye’ - then called a Pox News interviewer a ‘political propagandist’ for daring to ask awkward questions that he was too stupid to answer – stating “What der fuck der yer think dis is laddie – Mastermind?” “I’ve git yer measure fer sure Jimmy – see you!”

But as his political fightback faltered Brown admitted 2009 had been the 'most difficult year' and said the 2010 election year 'will be tougher yet' – having to pack his bags and move out of Downing Street after just having the kitchen decorated and new curtains fitted in his bedroom.

'I've taken Britain through what has been some of the most difficult months in the history of this economy since the Great Fire of London', he told Five News' interviewer Morton Scrunt – little realising that yesterday’s impromptu nationwide digital TV recalibrations had left 99% of Freebox users without Channel Five – so his words were only heard by the interviewer, a solitary cameraman and the studio cat, Tiddles.

But it was Mr Brown’s temperament that fell under the closest scrutiny, days after he was forced to deny taking lots of little blue and yellow happy pills to help him cope.

Brown attempted to storm out of the Sky interview to avoid further embarassment over his incompetence as Prime Minister and not being able to say his ABC without prompting - but when he stood up his lapel microphone was still attached, leaving him tethered to the spot and trying to drag an Argos-brand armchair along with him – muttering “I’m goin’ down the effin’ pub - who’s tied me ter this effin’ chair – I’ll have 22 SAS snuff the effin’ lot of ye Sassenach twats.”

Studio footage then showed Brown walking into a door and shouting “Fer fuck’s sake – what next!” as he rubbed a bruised forehead - which did little to quell rumours that his eyesight is about as good as a bat’s.

Political analysts fear Brown’s ‘psychotic episode’ was brought on when New Labour’s election hopes were dealt a serious kick in the goolies earlier yesterday with the decision of Raving Rupert Murdoch’s gutter press scandal sheet tabloid The Sun – and other News Corporation media sources - to ditch Labour after 12 years of faithful brown-nosing and boot licking - to support David Cameron’s Tories instead.

Apparently Brown and Business Secretary Lord Peter Scandalson went jointly ballistic when ex-Sun editor Rebekah Wade told a group of half-pissed hacks at the conference bar “We’re gonna support Posh Dave Cameron as Gordon and his bunch have as much chance of winning another election as Hell freezing over.”

While Gordon Brown attempted to field a false air of magnanimity in the aftermath of The Sun dumping his party, Labour’s number two – Lord Peter Scandalson stands accused of taking a more heated position.

On hearing the news that the Sun had dumped Labour, apparently Scandalson – aka ‘Vermin in Ermin’ - allegedly phoned Rebekah Wade, the ex-Sun editor and now CEO of the Sun’s owners, News International – declaring ‘You have made total ‘cunts’ of yourselves.’

Scandalson was later forced to rebuff reports that he branded the paper’s executives ‘a bunch of cunts’ for changing sides – which he did in his usual practiced lying fashion when issuing connived diplomatic denials.

“The phone line was bad and I politely informed Rebekah that she and her gang at The Sun were a bunch of chumps,’ not ‘cunts’ – even though she is one – the turncoat slut.”

Prime Munster Brown was later escorted from the conference interview studios by several nice young men in clean white coats and sat in the back of a bright yellow van that came to take him away for a long rest.

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