Streisand Auctions Old Tat to Pay for Nose Job

Fux News channel reports that rap singer and amateur actress Barbra Streisand has been selling clothes, movie costumes, personal sex toys, autographed erotic pantywear and items of garden furniture at a Los Angeles car boot auction due moving to a new home are apparently being hotly contested in light of freshly-circulating gossip hot off the rumour mill that she’s trying to raise money for a mammoth (sic – no pun intended) nose job.

The beaky performer is flogging off items from her vast collections of designer Shylock et Cie dresses, movie costumes and other assorted old tat - in all more than 5000 lots – to raise money for Bechtel Corporation’s construction engineers to carry out cosmetic surgery on her super-shnozz.

For decades Streisand has been collecting kitsch art and furniture from car boot sales, flea markets, Pound Stretcher stores and estate auctions around the world.

The bric-a-brac and bling collection includes a pair of Bobby Fischer’s socks (ankle-length / grey), one of Bill – the Artful Draft Dodger – Clinton’s election campaign ties (stained – will probably wash), sepia photos of Robert Redford and Nick Nolte mooning the camera while sharing Streisand’s Olympic-sized Jacuzzi, and a gift from long-time admirer the Aga Khan – an assortment of exotic Astrakhan sheepskin rugs – with the sheep still in them.

Thousands of people are bidding online - over the telephone and in person - for items from her collection of celebrity rubbish that would normally go ignored and untouched if dumped at a landfill site by a member of the common working class peasantry.

A life-sized plaster cast of her whopping proboscis – crafted by Hollywood sculptor Lars Klutz in 1985 - was bought earlier today for $25 by Napa Valley zillionaire Hector van der Grunt who intends to use the sculpture’s cavernous nostrils as a kennel for his pack of Beaner Hounds

One Streisand fan Miriam Weaselberg, who attended the Los Angeles car boot sale - explained the artist's enduring appeal. "She's Barbra sweetie pie – she’s a living icon!”
"Barbie’s a microcosm of Jewish America – she’s not only got an incredibly big Ashkenazi kike nose but is renown for her philanthropy.”

“You know, without Barbra’s fund-raising charity drives and sponsorship Israel would have gone tits up years ago and then all those nasty smelly Palestinians would be running things again around Jerusalem and Tel Aviv and our poor people would end up marginalised and stuck in some dirty little ghetto - like Gaza.”

In a candid interview with the Los Angeles Shitraker Streisand revealed she got over bitchy comments and references to her having the snout of an aardvark and eyes like pissholes in the snow years ago. “Really, being tagged as Old Trunky and toucan-features doesn’t bother me.”

However, the real reason for the nose job, she confided, was not due being self-conscious of it but just that recently she keeps bumping into things and it gets in the way of seeing where she’s going while driving.

That statement aside, the star became visibly embarrassed and declined to give credence to a news report that one recent ‘medical’ problem for which she was hospitalised for two days at the Mount Belsen Medical Centre was to undergo surgery for the removal of a magpie’s nest from up her right nostril.

The remaining proceeds from the car boot auction of her stacks of memorabilia, gewgaws and doodads – after her cosmetic surgery bill from Bechtel’s is settled - will benefit the Streisand Foundation, a charity that promotes humanitarian causes such as maintaining Israel’s absolute and dominant military superiority across the Middle East. and remaining the sole nuclear power in the region.