Wednesday, 21 October 2009

Higgs Boson Secret Remains Secret

Big Bang theories that actually went ‘Bang!’, top quantum physics scientists arrested for belonging to Jolly Jihadi terrorist groups, toxic rhubarb gas leaking into the main critical mass vacuum chambers - and a legion of similar mysterious breakdowns – involving CERN’s Large Hadron Collider (LHC) - have begun to make the entire shebang appear like the world’s most FUBAR and jinxed experiment since the creation of Communism.

Following the latest catastrophe on Monday when the handle fell off the auxiliary custard feed pipe and the reactor chamber was flooded with yellow goo, the doomsayers are now pronouncing the Large Hadron Collider could be sabotaging itself from the future – as the Higgs Boson is the 'Creation' particle God simply doesn’t want mankind to discover.

This piece of Divine conspiracy theory is being touted by a wide range of anoraks, boffins and beardies involved with the mega-zillion dollar piece of Scrapheap Challenge tat that, since it’s original fire-up date in the autumn of 2008, has done nothing but involve expensive breakdown call-outs from the AA, the RAC and the Polish Institute of Plumbing.

So is this series of reoccuring faults really nothing more than bad luck and the result of cheap sweatshop labour and crap workmanship - or is there something weirder and wholly occult – or supernatural – affecting the programme?

Such speculation generally belongs to the bonkers fringes of the conspiracy theory cults, but one Jesuit physicist, Fr. Analo Sodometti, has come out and suggested that the frequency of the LHC’s accidents and problems is far more than a coincidence.
The LHC, he claims, may be sabotaging itself from the future — twisting time to generate a series of scientific setbacks that will prevent the machine fulfilling its intended destiny.

At a glance this theory fits snugly within the bonkers tradition linking the successful start-up of the LHC (whenever) with forecasts of Apocalyptic disasters – that the £3 zillion particle accelerator will create a black hole capable of swallowing the planet – and that the Earth itself could disappear up it’s own polar region.

Head of the Vatican’s Temporal Science department, Fr. Analo Sodometti is a distinguished physicist who has backed up his theory with a cartload of perspicacious mathematics.
Sodometti ventures that the Higgs Boson, the particle that physicists hope to produce with the LHC, might well be a true abomination of nature.

So, in simple layman’s terms that even thick peasants can understand, this means that the creation of Higgs Boson at some point in the future would then ripple backwards through time to put the kibosh on whatever had created it in the past – in this case CERN’s LHC.

Well, that makes sense – doesn’t it - Que?

Whatever, but Fr. Sodometti’s theory isn’t particularly novel as this time displacement concept has been metaphorically linked to the instance of a person travelling back through time itself and killing their own grand-dad (for scientific experimental reasons only) – which would then mean they could not be born – so hence could not travel back in time to kill anybody – something like that.

To close, Sodometti summed his hypothesis up with the apt statement : “In my humble opinion the CERN LHC is a major fuck-up just waiting to happen – and happen – and happen - over and again – until they give up.”
“The Higgs Boson is God’s divine particle which man shall never know.”

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