Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Hippocratic Oath to Hypocritic Oaf

A shit-for-brains jobsworth ambulance chief refused to allow his emergency response paramedics to enter six inches of water to treat a man with a fractured spine – as it constituted a breach of heath and safety regulations.

The jinxed Wilf Fuctifino, 95, suffered agonising injuries as he stood in ankle deep water at the Smegmadale Waterpark waiting to take his self-built Scrapheap Challenge jetski out onto the lake when he was hit by a gang of pissed-up yobs joyriding in a stolen powerboat and travelling at 60 knots close to the shoreline in a vandalistic attempt to swamp fishermen with their bow waves.

Shocked onlookers immediately ran into the lake as Mr Fuctifino was knocked head over tit and ended up lying face down in the water - while the powerboat careered off across the lakeside then plunged down the embankment of the adjacent M69 motorway where it collided with a skip truck filled with high explosives and a pantechnicon loaded up with illegal immigrants - killing all on board the hijacked craft in a spectacular blood and guts dismemberment fashion.

Meanwhile, back at the lakeside, waterpark visitors applied basic common sense and turned the injured Fuctifino over and floated him the in the six inch ankle-deep water, where he was supported on an inflatable camping matress until an ambulance turned up at the scene amid fears moving him to the bank would aggravate his back injury and make him scream even louder.

However the crowd of curious morbid spectators were stunned and shocked when the paramedic supervisor arrived and refused to allow his medical staff to enter the lake’s shallows as they weren't trained to deal with water rescues.

One onlooker who wished to remain anonymous (Mrs. Candida Muffitch) told a reporter from the Jobsworths Gazette “The paramedic’s boss wouldn't let them get their feet wet and treat the poor sod – even though the scumbag could see the water was only ankle deep.”
“We had to slide a spinal board under him ourselves and carry him to ambulance while they stood there like three spare pricks at a wedding.”

“Anyway this supervisor turkey arrives first sportin' a nametag that says ‘McTwat’ on it an’ looks what’s goin' on then the two paramedics turn up in the ambulance an’ are goin' down to the water an’ he just stands in their way and tells them “I'm the incident commander - you aren't gettin' into the water – neither of you are trained as divers.”

“Then he tells us all “The bloke will have to stop there until one of the coastguard’s marine rescue teams can arrive from Dover” – and that’s four hours effin’ drive away – so we got the spinal board off them an’ rescued him ourselves.”

The incident commander, tracked down and interviewed by Fux News, claims that new EU regulations regarding health and safety practices prohibet paramedics from entering water to rescue or treat an accident victim – even if it is only a matter of getting their feet wet or wearing wellies.

Asked whetehr he considered it dereliction of duty, McTwat declined to answer, and when further questioned as to it being a matter of sympathy to lift the injured man from the water he replied “Sympathy – that’s in the dictionary somewhere - between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’.”

Rumours are circulating the UK news channels this evening that Smegmadale firemen responding to a 999 emergency call concerning a massive conflagration at a local paint factory claimed an on-site risk assessment carried out under the EU’s new health and safety regulations determined the flames were far too hot and refused to fight blaze.

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