Saturday, 10 January 2015

UK Sickie Excuses Win Fiction Award

In today’s ‘Pulitzer Prize Pulp Fiction’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to a recent questionnaire survey carried out by the ‘limited liability’ commercial services companies, Price-Shithouse-Snoopers and welfare benefit assessors Atosspots Stealthcare - for the UK’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money, acting in conjunction with the House of Conman's 'What Can We Fuck With Next' Committee – reveals in a 16,000 page report finally submitted this week that six out of ten workers admitted to lying viz their medical conditions or domestic circumstances in order to fiddle a day’s respite from their regular labours – with the remaining four out of ten conceding to being pathological deception addicts and fabricating a few porkie pies on the questionnaire for good measure.

The majority of so-called ‘skivers’ claimed they pulled a ‘sickie’ due the fact they were so bored and depressed with their place of work and job functions they actually, out of desperation, contemplated acts of self-harm to provide an avenue of 'escape' – to the point of self-immolation, doused with a couple of litres of cut price unleaded gasoline – or cutting their own heads off with a cheapo Argos brand kitchen knife – a la ISIS Jolly Jihad death cult fashion.

At one point in 2013, following an alarming rise in staff absences, a compliance officer assigned to the human resources department of N M Rothshite & Shylock, a major London financial services company who own the entire world, actually contacted the government-appointed welfare benefits slasher, Atosspots Wealthcare for verification concerning a certain mysterious infection actually being contagious when employees called in on a Monday morning claiming they couldn’t report for work due coming down with a bad case of ‘CBA Syndrome’ – an enigma which one accommodating Department of Health medical student eventually tracked down via a Google ‘slang’ search – which revealed that CBA was the acronym for ‘Can’t Be Arsed’.

95% of those who pulled sickies claimed on the questionnaire that they worked hard and deserved the time off – especially on a Monday morning - to recover from their weekend’s booze and drug induced hangovers – and / or physical exhaustion from engaging in three hole dogging session clusterfucks.

The survey reported that some of the more incredulous pretexts posed for missing work included a blood test for rabies after being savaged by a squirrel - and coming down with temporary amnesia due a family outbreak of 24 hour Alzheimer’s virus.
Other unusual ‘sickie’ excuses included a typist’s breast enhancement silicon implant getting severely displaced during a heavy petting session with her boyfriend and she simply couldn’t face coming into work with one tit pointing up and the other down.

One Irish 'male' transvestite telesales slave in Dublin was eventually fired and also had his unfair dismissal case thrown out by the Employment Tribunal judge for taking an excess of time off due ‘pre-menstrual tension’.
A similar case involved a female quality control officer at an adult sex toys manufacturers calling in sick as she had to attend her local hospital’s A & E department to have a ‘severely lodged’ vibrating egg removed from up her back passage.

Pets also figured prominently in the false pretences scenarios for taking an unscheduled day off – with the most common being that said pet had died unexpectedly and the family was distraught and in mourning – which included goldfish, budgies and a hamster asphyxiated during an all-night felching session – with one inventive chap calling in to say his cat had been in a near miss with several passing cars on a dual carriageway and he was taking Tiddles to either the vet or a clairvoyant - to gain a professional opinion on how many of the moggy's folklore ‘nine lives’ were actually left.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour 'and' hard public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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