How Not to Win an Election

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Political Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

So we're into a 'new year' and 2015 already, thus the run-up to the mandatory General Election in May countdown begins for these parties of self-interest politicos to go through the motions of canvassing the common herd voters (that's us) to 'pretty please' stick a cross in 'their' box come the day of the ballot.

Thus, by extension of canvassing the voting demographic, the credibility-deficient leaders of the main political factions – New-Old Labour / Tory Nasty Party / Librarian Dummercrats / UKIP / Greens / Pinks / Ginger-Mingers / Raving Loonies - are bound by tradition to sharpen the long knives and start a backstabbing campaign to slander and libel and generally denigrate all opponents. while trumpeting their own more scent than substance skills and virtues.

That said, the Nasty Party's main Rothshite crime syndicate stooge, Posh Dave Scameron and Labour's child prodigy fuckwit, 'Wallace' Millipede are at it hammer and tongue, referring to each other as incompetents and fools - and to be fair to the respective parties concerned, each in his own right is perfectly correct.

Then again, no fucker or their dog takes much notice of these blather and bluster pantomime histrionics, apart from the occasional head shaking moment, in disgust at their antics.
But what does grab the public's attentions is the major career disaster faux pas that tend to be let slip when they think the numb nuts electorate's out of hearing distance – such as the cyclopean nonce-ponce New Labour Slime Minister Gordon 'Incapability' Broon passing an overheard damning comment while on the canvassing trail in the North-West's child molesting centre of Rochdale, that one potential New Labour voter, 66-year old pensioner-widow, Mrs Glady McDuff, was 'a fat arsed, boring old bigot' – a mistake no amount of post-event arse-kissing apologies – or sackcloth and ashes penitence - could redeem.

Here we see a classic example of our Big Brother totalitarian state panopticon surveillance society machinery gone wrong – where Broon's failure to watch his back and engage brain before opening gob finally exposed to the public eye what a nasty and contemptuous tosspot he – and by extension – 95% of the remaining 649 House of Conmans penny pinching layabouts really are.

Of course, it's not just a political party's upper echelons / Plebgate / paedo dossier shredding / kiddie fiddling / bribes for questions cabinet ministers et al who commit such gaffes and blunders but too their respective MPs and local authority councillors – all of which reflects back in a negative light to the tosser at the top of the food chain – Scameron, Millipede, Clogg and even UKIP's Farage – as instanced with the latter's Parliamentary candidate for Smegmadale-on-Sea, Jack McScrote, also a local council member, currently on trial and facing criminal charges of submitting forged county council election nominations papers.

Then we have a Tory Aylesbury councillor / civil servant with the Ministry of Defence, Mark Winn, who suffered some form of delusional 'psychotic episode' and used his Twitter account to publicly lambaste the BBC for being a running dog lackey tool of the Labour Party after watching an episode of Casualty on the telly – adding the double jeopardy blunder of claiming that the Gussett Trust food banks are only visited by society's losers: specifically the unemployed, alkies, drug addicts and nutters with mental health problems (such as himself).

Winn's idiotic remarks have since elicited a storm of irate responses forcing him to apologise for his misjudged 'twat on Twitter' outburst – which exposed the Nasty Party to the criticism that the fact the common herd are forced to seek out sustenance from food banks is a direct condemnation of their 'fuck the working class' welfare benefit slashing government policies enacted by the talentless and sadistic likes of George 'Spankies' Osborne and the equally repugnant DWP minister Iain Dunkin Shit, since 2010.

Not wishing to be outdone in the pre-election Political Pariah Awards, Nick Clegg's Lib-Dum gang of ne'er do wells have been contributing their efforts, with Philip Drury, leader of the party's cabal on East Wankshire Council being forced to throw in the towel and resign following his hare-brained comments on Facebook that claimed 21-year-old fashion student Glenda Gorgon – reportedly sexually assaulted while on vacation in shitty Italy, was too ugly to be a rape victim.

As for creepy Caledonia's ruling Scottish Nonce Party, it's the same old (same old) fairytale – maintaining a veil of secrecy around the crimes and misdemeanours of the Holyrood and Crown Office Masonic Speculative Society kiddie fiddling criminals and their facilitator / apologists – with the all-new 'wee nippy' First Minister Nicola Sturgeon attempting to carry on predecessor Alex 'Porky Pict' Salmond's circus trick of juggling the coverups of Aberdeen's now-notorious Hollie Greig paedo sexual abuse scandal - in addition to OOR Willie Macrae's1985 assisted suicide / murder – instigated to silence his intended exposure – naming and shaming - of the Magic Circle pederast / catamite culture that infests and blights Nonceland's political scene.

Thought for the day. Yep, that's the key to political popularity disaster - how not to win friends and influence people. While there is not such thing as ‘conventional political wisdom’ there does exist ‘conventional political stupidity’.

Alas, these are the dog wankers up for election to political office this coming May - an actual prime example of Mother Nature’s failed experiment with intelligence-equipped bipeds – blighted by the contradictions, lies, and inconsistencies in their narratives and one-size-fits-all approach to every fucking thing.

This privileged elitist fraternity, stricken with an absurd sense of entitlement, gain election to public office via manipulating the illusion of competence yet are stricken with severe credibility issues – for their true constituencies are those listed in the Fortune 500 company index.

Here we are faced with the Truth – we are governed – for worse more so that better – by a corruption-ridden corporate political duopoly that allows big business interests to dominate government – and these elected representatives (sic) are the type of scumsters that will do anything to get into power - and sink to acts of criminal coercion to keep it – a learning tool obviously picked up from our parasitic Royal family.

Little wonder that Britain's past prefix of Great has been replaced with Broken.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour 'and' hard public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.