Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Five-Year Old Sued for Party No-Show

In today’s ‘Enhanced Lunacy’ money-grubbing greedster edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

While the mainstream media seem to be all-consumed with the threat of further false flag terrorist attacks targeting anyone in Europe that's old enough to scream and bleed in the wake of last week's Jolly Jihad raid on the obnoxiously racist Charlie Hebdo cartoon magazine offices, no fucker or their dog of any wire service consequence seems to have picked up on 5-year old Ronnie McScrote being served a writ to appear before magistrates in the Petty Issues Department of the Small Minds Court after refusing to empty his piggy bank of savings and refund costs incurred when he failed to materialise his presence at the birthday party of one Donatello Mingerot - a now unfriended former school pal.

Young Ronnie, from Sorepoint in Cornwall, was invited to the party by 17-year old mother of three, Mrs Chlamydia Mingerot, just prior to the Christmas holiday, which was scheduled to include activities at a ski slope in Plymouth, followed by a slap-up 'fill yer face' bash at Biffo's Barf Burger chew n spew joint in the red light Matelots Lane area of the city.

However, as Plymouth isn't exactly renown for its Alpine slopes and there was more signs of pissing rain than snow – plus the fact that the last time the McScrote family ate at Biffo's they all came down with salmonella – Ronnie decided to opt out of the carousing and spend the day watching re-runs of Sex and the City on his Acer tablet.

Alas, unbeknown to the McScrotes the shit was about to hit the fan when Mrs Mingerot dropped an invoice for £15.95 through Ronnie's letterbox – billing him for non-attendance at Donatello's party due the fact he had never informed her he wasn't going and subsequently left her out of pocket.

When Ronnie's dad, Mr Basher 'Chokehold' McScrote, saw the ridiculous invoice he spit the dummy and tore a strip off Mrs Mingerot over the phone, which has since resulted in a small claims court summons being issued for recovery of the £15.95 – plus costs and legal fees – a preposterous figure the McScrotes are refusing to pay.

Basher told a gutter press hack from their local Ripoffs Gazette that "Wot the fuck's up wiv Chlamydia throwin' a hissy fit over Ronnie missin' her lad's birthday party – is this another of her bottle blonde moments? The moronic imbecile needs to cut back on her drugs intake an' get a life cos this compensation culture insanity is gonna end in tears fer some fucker – an' it's not gonna be the McScrotes. As far as I'm concerned she can 'blow me'."

Conversely Chlamydia Mingerot confided to media hacks that "Effin' typical of the tight-arsed McScrotes cos we never even got an' effin' card off them fer Donatello's birthday – let alone the iPad wot me little soldier had marked down on his preferred gifts list fer Ronnie ter buy him."
"Now I'm maxed out on me credit cards an' up ter the tits in debt wiv the Slick Quid payday loans people, cos of forkin' out a shitload of money fer Donny's party."

The qualified opinion of barrack room lawyer types at the local Fighting Dog & Pikey boozer regarding this legal conundrum is one of 'solution simple'. There was no written contract and this purported verbal agreement is fraught with ambiguities, hence no binding contract was signed nor breached – and Ronnie's parents were not made aware or forewarned that 'terms and conditions' applied with the party invitation and parents would be billed for delinquent no-show sprogs.

Hmmm, in Sicily this incident could well manifest as the genesis of a generational blood feud. Do they go big on family vendettas and such around Bell Curve Deficient Cornwall?

Have you ever been invited to a party and simply said 'fuck the RSVP' and not turned up? Did you get sued? Did you get invited to any more parties or ostracised and branded as a slack-arsed social pariah?
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Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour 'and' hard public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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