Tory Sex Toy Ban Scam Revealed

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Following the annual release of documents from the UK’s National Archive, canny researchers working for the Daily Shitraker have uncovered confidential communications traffic between Number 10 Downing Street and the Home Office which reveal that former egocentric Conservative Prime Minister, Maggie Twatcher, considered banning not only the sale sex toys in the UK as revenge for the defeat of her despised poll tax – but making possession of such a criminal offence.

The inter-departmental memos expose the alarming fact that Mad Maggie took this crackpot legislation under consideration after she was personally lobbied by the anti-obscenity campaigner and ultra-prude, Constance Mary 'Bonkers' Shitehouse – aka the Menopausal Moral Marauder.

The crusading Shitehouse, a psychotic socio-political gay-bashing meddler who was dead set against liberalism in all forms and did her level best to halt the evolution of today's permissive society and the ubiquitous presence of hard porn – ran a 24/7 war of attrition against what she classified as moral decay and canvassed to bring back the Inquisition and burn porno peddlers, fudging sodomites and strap-on wielding lesbos at the stake.

Thus here we had a cringeworthy pair of trouts in their own singular rights – Twatcher and the censorial head banging Shitehouse - both dead set against promiscuity, infidelity, drinking 'and' violence on the telly – in fact any social activity associated with 'enjoying oneself' – including (don't laugh) watching Doctor Who – and in Shitehouse's case lobbying the BBC to ban Chuck Berry's #1 Christmas hit 'My Ding-a-Ling' for her perceived delusion of the song's masturbation innuendo.

Following Shitehouse's lead, Twatcher, in her menopausal ego-driven insanity, took time off from waging war on the Argies, the Miners, the Trade Unions and attempting to start World War Three with the Soviet Union – and sought to extract vengeance on the contemptible common herd (us / the tax-paying public demographic) for going into near revolution mode over her Community Charge (Poll Tax) and ordered her then Home Secretary, the kiddie fiddling dossier 'misplacing' 'Lecherous Leon' Brittan, to conjure up a strong case for banning sex toys under the terms of the 1959 Obscene Publications Act – which might be viewed as items likely to deprave and corrupt.

The despicable Brittan replied that many of the items in circulation were most objectionable, including strap-on dildos and twelve inch Jolly Giant Jackrabbit vibrators which could cause physical injury if stuffed up the incorrect orifice.
Physical injury eh - like a Tory cabinet minister's cock up a 9-year old orphan's back passage while he's strangling the poor little fucker to death over the side of a Dolphin Square bathtub.

Really, isn't this latest revelation of what goes on inside the warped Tory leadership's minds so typical of the killjoy policies of the Nasty Party – unless of course it involves blood sport fox hunting, shooting unarmed stags and equally defenceless grouse up in bonny Nonceland – or tossing freshly-deflowered orphans over the side of Ted Heath's Morning Sickness yacht as he sails around Jersey.

Twatcher and Shitehouse – a pair of pathological hypocrites out to make possession of a vibrating pocket rocket a criminal offence.
Yet in the same instance we have juxtaposed the Twatcher-led Tory scam of semi-clandestine support for the Paedophile Information Exchange and dropping the age of consent to four just to accommodate the perverted sexual fetishes of sodomite deviant MPs and their Masonic Civil Service pals.

Mind you, one thought of bonking Twatcher or Shitehouse would drive a bloke to serial onanism – hence it's little wonder their hubbies were both bisexual fudgers 'and' pederasts: nonce-ponce Dirty Denis and Erotic Ernie.
There again, for a pair of baggages who's never sexperienced a mega-nuclear orgasm then I suppose the thought of other women actually enjoying a good romp and getting their rocks off is repellent to them.

Slaggie Maggie herself was the product of being sexually molested from childhood by her Grantham grocer father – Alfie 'Groper' Roberts, a notorious untouchable sex offender and local Mayor – then a sexless existence with Deviant Denis – and the only products of their once-off doggy style shag being the larcenous Marky Mark (Embezzler by Appointment) and his moronic twin sister Carol of Klotsters.

And let's not lose sight of the fact that Maggie's parting gift to humanity was securing a knighthood for her great pal and perennial New Year party guest at Downing Street: Jimmy Savile – awarded for his services to the kiddie fiddling and necrophilia industries.

But this pair of broomstick jockey trolls were both 'damaged goods' who thought a blowjob was something to do with balloons. And that was the blinkered vision Twatcher, who believed Fellatio was an Italian opera singer and Cunnilingus an Irish airline.
Their cockeyed (sic) disdain for sex toys besides and typical Tory toleration of 'cottaging' - what would this prudish pair of grinches have made of the latter day al fresco sport of dogging, ménage à trois clusterfucks, suck n swallow 69 face sitting gamaruche sessions - and heaven forbid - mention of three-hole orgies – or the High Street's Boots cash chemist flogging little blue Viagra hard-on pills?

The same old story - our elected politicians and self-appointed moral watchdogs: know all and know fuck all.
Like it or not sex toys have a place in society – behind closed doors and in the privacy of one's own boudoir perhaps – but much mention is made of them from the days of yore – the dynastic empires of the Middle Kingdom (latterly the People's Marxist Utopia of China), of Egypt, of Persia, of the Indus Valley, of Greece, of Rome, of Byzantium and the Ottomans – dating back into pre-history when Mong, the post-Ice Age Cro-Magnon engineering innovator of rudimentary cave drainage techniques first struck on the idea of using a fossilised eggplant to pleasure his Neanderthal girlfriend when his 'mojo' wasn't functioning at 100% efficiency.

Facetious comment besides, Twatcher and Shitehouse should have been taken on a guided tour of the Shanghai-based Wanking Museum's collection of erotica – specifically the Tang dynasty phallic dildos and crab-claw clitoral stimulators - crafted from exotic hardwoods and ivory – plus the jade tongue rings worn by royal concubines and other noble stock females to enhance the dynamic and stimulus effect of their cock-sucking performances.

Thought for the day. Moralist of convenience Margaret Thatcher (aka Slaggie Twatcher) who finally died in 2013 – with her single claim to infamy being the fact she de-industrialised Britain and replaced the esteemed and respected prefix of Great with one of Broken - was one of the Tory MPs who voted to decriminalize homosexuality in the late 1960s – 'and' supported calls from the disgraced Paedophile Information Exchange child sex abusers club to lower the age of consent to four.

As for Mary Whitehouse, the hand of God ensured her hypocritical moral gallivanting came to an abrupt end in 1988 when she suffered a spinal injury in a freak accident fall and died, aged 91, at Abberton Manor Nursing Home in Colchester in the November of 2001.
The Moral Meddler now lies buried in Dedham's St Sodom's Churchyard cemetery, where her grave is regularly pissed and shit on by magpies, squirrels and foxes – and masturbated over by irreverent nocturnal passer-by drunks.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour 'and' hard public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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