Black Friday UK: Virtual War Zone

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to Shylock Shekelberg's editorial in this weekend's copy of the Money Grubbers Gazette, Black Friday was the busiest day on record for online retailer Scamazon UK with orders exceeding 5.5 million items over the 24 hour period - approximately 64 pieces of junk flogged off per second - and mega-profits besides, they're still paying the hapless zero-hours contract workers (sweatshop slaves) the bare minimum wage.

Lucky for Scamazon all business orders were transacted via the internet and they avoided the mindless stampedes of delinquent Christmas bargain hunters that materialised at the stroke of midnight, described by many as a zombie invasion, and terrified the likes of hardened retail store sales assistants in High Street branches and shopping malls across the length and breadth of our once (pre-fracked) green and pleasant land when the hordes descended alike a Biblical plague of locusts - consuming all in sight that glinted under the fluorescent lights and bore a discount price tag.

Plod Squads were roused from their regular night shift Irish power nap siestas on a national scale and forced to leave the panopticon CCTV screens, get off their idle arses and actually put in a personal appearance at stores all over Broken Britain, to quell alarming crowd surges as bargain-focused predators, hell bent on a spend-a-thon 'shop or bust' session, hunted for the best Black Friday buys.

Greater Manchester Plods appealed for calm - without effect - after attending seven Pestco Greedy Grocer outlets at which three senior citizen Grandma types were arrested for running amok and causing an affray in the knitted goods department, plus one woman hospitalised with concussion after being struck with a stale Swiss roll at the franchise's Wythenshawe / Stench Hill 'Extra' branch during an altercation involving 'first served' possession of a '25% off' Lady Shave bikini line depilator.

Brummystan Police, opting for a craven 'discretion being the better part of valour' approach to facing off frenzied shoppers with a 'do or die' look in their eyes, summoned riot squads in full body armour, backed up by water cannons and SO19 Armed Response officers kitted out with CS gas and baton rounds to quell the in-store disturbance at the Bullring Shopping Centre when irate Paki youths crucified the manager of Topshop to the trunk of the complex's Christmas tree with nail guns looted from the adjacent Screwfix DIY store - for allegedly ripping them off on the advertised price of black balaclavas with the ISIS Jihad insignia.

To add to the national scale mayhem and chaos, a fight broke out when 200 shoppers refused to leave a store in Middleton despite being informed all the stock had been sold, and proceeded to rip up the floor tiles, counters, wall panels, desks and light fittings to placate their sense of unfulfilled purchase disappointment.

Felix Fagin, director of the Smegmadale-based Wilkins Micawber Institute of Economics, speaking to one gutter press hack from the finance industry's Repo Weekly, opined that "UK shoppers squandered around £518 zillion quid online with their 'plastic fantastic' credit cards, which will most definitely materialise as a Black Friday when they get the bill in the New Year and have the Tonton Macoutes from the Renta-Thug bailiff agency coming round knocking on their doors."

"But of course this is simply a carbon copy of what our shit for brains colonial cousins get up to in the good ole US of A - paying homage to Mammon, the all-consuming god of greed and materialism - and lining the pockets of the Edomite Mafia - those avaricious Rothshite Kosher Nostra banksters - especially with Black Friday being a bonanza for the lowlife likes of the payday loan outfits - with veritable legions of punters gracing the portals of Ripoff Readies, Gash Cash Loans, Slick-Quid and Crap-Credit to borrow the money to buy all kinds of shite they don't need - nor can afford - and end up paying it back at ludicrous interest rates that make the term 'usury' a euphemistic joke."
"But that's what this Crapitalist financial system is all about - fractional reserve banking and debt slavery as the route to social control and hence maintain a political stranglehold on society."

Meanwhile, up in bonny Nonceland, the Plod Squad were summoned twice to a branch of Home Base in Glasgow just after midnight, when concerns were raised by scarified staff over customer conduct inside the store - with one crowd engaged in a rugby style scrum-down to gain possession of a stack of discounted microwave ovens - while a second gang of social misfits descended on the gardening department and proceeded to 'field test' the weed burner flame throwers, setting fire to the patio furniture section in the process.

Sir Peter Fahy, Chief Constable of Greater Manchester Police, took time off from not investigating child sexual abuse reports involving fellow Freemasons to express frustration via his Twitter account, relating that the issues were totally predictable - far beyond any semblance of anti-social behaviour breaches.

Fahy claimed he was personally most disappointed by the non-performance of shop security at a swathe of Pestco Greedy Grocer stores where the not fit for purpose bully boy security guards contracted from the Renta-Moron Agency stood around and did sweet fuck all as the howling mob tore the place - and each other - to pieces in what manifested nationally as a Black Friday disaster which has left tens of thousands of bargain hunting shoppers injured, plus scores more missing and feared dead.

British armed forces 22 SAS Sergeant Ron 'Pitbull' McGasher, on leave from his tour of duty in Islamic jihadi terrorist-infested Turdistan, was at one of the stores participating in Black Friday in Liverpool to pick up a frozen pizza and six pack of Old Headbanger lager as mid-night struck and a wave of brain dead Scousers fought to get a grip on anything shiny.
"People woz bitin' each other, pinchin', punchin' an' kickin' - it was fuckin' horrendous wiv the twats climbin' over shelves an' displays, staff runnin' fer cover an' screamin' their effin' heads off - fights breakin' out, stock flying through the air, scrotes an' scallies nickin' tellys - an' that woz before the effin'' sale had even started."

"Personally I got ter admit I damn near shit meself - it woz worse than havin' the bleedin' Taliban snipers firin' at yer arse down one of them choke hold valley's in Afghanistan's Bellend Province - or gettin' yer head sawn off by that ISIS Beatles bloke, Jihadi John."

Thought for the day. With regard to this debtocracy-based Crapitalist monetary system, where collateral-free payday loans and extended credit are up for grabs to any fucker and their dog, there manifests a situation that has just got to bring out the worst base attributes of human nature.

Alas, the rumour of this 'great cosmic awakening' besides, there exists a confounding glitch in the perceptions of mass human consciousness that derails their understanding of what the fuck is actually going on in the world and works to their collective detriment. But as 99% of humanity operates according to the dictates of its stomach and sex organs, what the fuck can we expect.

As Will Rogers once so prudently observed: "the thing about 'common sense' is the fact it ain't too common".

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour 'and' hard public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.