Saturday, 29 November 2014

Dumb & Dumber Join ISIS Jihad

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Idiocy’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Zionist-owned / dominated Western media - with the publicly-funded BBC hypocrites at the forefront - are having a veritable field day programming Broken Britain's common herd with fresh Islamophobia perceptions via the route of hefty draughts of black propaganda beaming out on a 24/7 broadcast medium in the wake of brothers Mohommod and Hamza Nawaz winning this week's dubious honour of becoming the first British Muslim fanatics to be jailed after signing up for an NVQ1 Terrorism Training course with the Syria / Iraq based ISIS Caliphate death cult.

During the Old Bailey trail Sir Dinsdale Figg-Newton QC, prosecuting, told the court that the brother's actions throughout their 'recruitment' journey, terror camp training and return to the UK gave an entirely novel definition to the terms 'moron' and 'stupidity' and 'accident waiting to happen'.

Evidence was presented that the brothers, both residents of Landfill Hamlets in Stratford, east London - a veritable hotbed for Muslim fundamentalist insurrection - admitted being radicalised at their local mosque's madrassa by the since-deported hate-mongering Imam, Sheikh Fizzy al-Kaseltzer.

Giving testimony in their defence, Mohommod Nawaz told the court "Hamza answered a Met Plod Squad ad' posted on our local mosque notice board in May last year fer a coupla handy Muslim type lads ter take part in an anti-terrorist drill around Woolwich an' we both wanted ter get in on a real life false flag terrorist attack - like them fuckers from Leeds wot did the 7/7 bombin's in 2005 - an' chop some Army squaddie's head off - but the killjoy MI5 bloke wot woz runnin' them two velcro-head patsies called Michael told us there woz nowt doin'. So we said 'fuck it' an' decided on joinin' the ISIS jihad in Syria fer a bit of a laugh instead - an' at the same time impress the fuck outa Hamza's snotty girlfriend, Chavella al Skanger."

The brothers tricked their parents into believing they were going out for a nosh up at McDonald's fast food chew n spew in Walthamstow - but instead left for Iraq that same night on a Thomas Cook discount special Mid-East War Zones 'extreme risk adventures' group tour - financed with a Slick Quid payday loan - and cunningly sneaked off later that week while the group's guide was taking a stop-over toilet break at an ISIS 'Merry Mujahideen' military ordnance souvenir stand selling 'glow in the dark' depleted uranium munitions ashtrays outside Raqqa on the Iraq / Syrian border.

Hamza told the court that they quickly became disillusioned with the ISIS training camp as signing up for jihad wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
"Yer gotta be in bed by ten, an' readin' this Koran thingy wot's all in Arabic - an' no goin' down the pub - cos there ain't no pub an' these twats don't drink like us civilised Muslims do. Plus yer can't shave an' yer got some screwball Religious Compliance Officer twat comin' round an' measurin' yer beard twice a week an' yer get a right old bollockin' if it's not growin' much - an' I woz lucky cos I bought one of them false beards from Poundland on me Ripoff Readies credit card before we left."

"Anyway we got assigned ter the 21st Armoured Segway Battalion at the Hornet's Nest trainin' camp, wot woz a bit of a laugh but it's the pits really cos yer in the middle of the fuckin' desert there's no effin' water an' no showers - an' when yer go fer a crap yer got ter do a squat an' there's no effin' bog rolls an' yer have ter wipe yer arse on one of them wild gerbils wot's runnin' around every fuckin' where. Believe me, this 'Jolly Jihad' blurb is a crock of shite - an' that's why we decided ter say 'fuck it' an' come home again."

Thoroughly disillusioned with the terrorist life not being the purported gung ho Rambo fantasy come true, Hamza and Mohommod returned to the UK in September but ended up a couple of the star-crossed unfortunates snaffled by immigration border officers alerted to the fact the brothers were wearing desert camo' fatigues and toting AK47 assault rifles - and further discovered all manner of souvenir nasties in their overweight luggage.

These included clips of ammo for the rifles, US manufactured M67 frag' grenades, a nest of crap-caked gerbils, scores of mobile phone 'selfies' and video clips taken in their training camp at Latakia - including one incriminating shot with their arms around the shoulders of Mossad super mole / ISIS leader Shylock ben Shitbaum (aka Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi) - some of which had been previously posted on the WhatdaFukk social networking website.
However the pièce de résistance was Mohommod's tote bag, containing several shrunken heads, later identified by the police forensics lab' as those previously belonging to now-decapitated US journalists and foreign aid workers.

Ms Fellattia Mingerot QC, defending, informed the court's presiding judge, Dame Candida Ffinch-Gargoyle, that last August members of the Nawaz family had contacted their local Plod Squad to report the brothers were missing - but then had second thoughts and attempted to deceive by stating it was believed they had gone to Scotland to visit their MacNawaz relatives in Edinburgh.

The Old Bailey jury heard that Mohommod Nawaz (the purported 'brains of the outfit') was a thoroughly bad lot and had been previously convicted of blackmail, false imprisonment, kidnap, sheep shagging 'and' canine necrophilia back in 2009, for which he was slapped with an unfulfilled 100 hour Community Service Order - and since his return from Syria had further admitted responsibility for the May 2013 night time break-in at a Stratford High Street manicurists - a shoddy burglarised attempt to steal the materials to build a crowd killer 'nail bomb' - which turned out to be a 'damp squib' when it failed to explode.

Following the sentencing of the Junud al-Shaam Jihadists, Mohommod and Hamza, to four-and-a-half years and three years respectively, Assistant Commissioner Cressida Dickhead of the Metropolitan Police's Counter-Terrorism Command informed a gutter press hack from the Warmongers Gazette that "It's a landmark case with many other Jihadist wannabes in the pipeline for a long dose of porridge and buggery, sharing a cell with some pervy deviant called Femmenella."

Appealing to Muslim families to work with the police and grass up their erring kids, as the consequences for those joining the jihad could be death on a battlefield from an MQ-9 UAV Reaper drone's Shitstreak missiles, Ms Dickhead stated "We have two intelligence-deficient Muslim brothers from east London who travelled to Syria and engaged in terrorist training, then returned to the UK as the job sucked."

"I realise it's difficult to snitch on your own children, but families can spot changes in their kid's behaviour if they are becoming radicalised. And one dead cert give-away if they're training to join ISIS is bulk deliveries of kitchen knives from Argos and finding the severed heads of missing locals - usually meter readers or postmen - in the freezer or under their beds."

Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals - otters or voles – or Syrian refugees - were harmed in posting this insurrectionist epistle. However, a large number of the GCHQ / Five Eyes Alliance’s Prism / Tempora / Carnivore / Echelon / X-Keyscore / SIG-INT I-Spy super snooper ‘Nosy Bastard’ wire-tap / IMSI catchers / eavesdropping / data mining system’s network electrons on Hubble Bubble Road in Cheltenham were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour 'and' hard public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Wozz said...

Near pissed me pants laughing

wiggins said...