Saturday, 22 November 2014

Xmas Miracle: Band Aid Cures Ebola

In today’s ‘Enhanced Knobhead’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest African charity scam scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The banner headline besides, the World Health Organisation today slammed the charlatan 'snake oil' promotional publicity spin being broadcast by ex-Boomtown Twats singer Blob 'Dandruff' Geldork, and issued a statement of corrective censure that listening to his latest Band Aid revival of 'Do They Know It's Christmas' does not cure Ebola.

WHO spokeswoman, Dr Irawaddy Jaffacake, informed one gutter press hack from the Pandemics Gazette that "People all over Africa might well be rushing out to buy this rip-off CD or downloading the song onto their smart phones, but I can assure you just listening to it will neither prevent a person contracting this CDC bio-weaponised strain of Ebola, nor cure anyone already infected."

Typical of the global fascination with celebrity knobheads, the media generated feeding frenzy has resulted in sales of 250,000-plus copies in the first three days since its release across Broken Britain, with Billboard predicting it will top the singles chart in Africa - even if most of the pagan / animist worshipping population haven't a fucking clue what Christmas is.

While the Band Aid Ebola charity single might well look set to become a huge international hit, Geldork's project has again run into criticism from pro-Africa websites and one London-born Ghanian rapper, Blown Fuse, told media hacks that he was shocked and appalled by the song's lyrics.
"This patronising Irish donkey, who is more in critical need of a charity haircut, has no idea of what Africa really needs, and throwing buckets of money at a problem doesn't automatically solve the problem but simply creates bigger problems - such as yet another charity gravy train corruption scam for government kleptomaniacs to get their sticky paws into."
"So we say to Geldork "you have been unfriended, now piss off - and take that other self-promoting, posing paddy tosspot Bono with you."

The 'Dis am Africa' website - a forum for Africans, by Africans - run from Ebola-free (so far) Kenya had a stream of similar sentiments posted which condemn Geldork's latest Band Aid 'shock and awe' tactics publicity stunt.
One reader wrote "Do Africans know it's Christmas? What a condescending title for a song. Of course we do, even if we don't believe in Santa Claus anymore."
"We have had a gut-full of dese interfering busybody do-gooders from the days of the Christian missionary paedophiles to the colonial exploiters to the Great Satan's Africom and the WHO and Bill Gates vaccination eugenics programmes spreading AIDS and now this CDC Ebola virus."
"We do not need white honky charity but be left alone to reclaim our identity ... heritage and our continent's rightful political, economic and cultural position - and the West's moralists to stop condemning the culinary gourmet delights of cannibalism."

Although Geldork's publicity team did manage to tempt a veritable legion of geriatric 60's and 70's celebrity pop stars to venture out from their respective elderly care homes and local Priory rehab clinics, many more ignored the call to perform for fuck all, with the likes of fat-arsed Adele refusing to take Blob's phone calls - and in a so typical blonde moment, tweeting "fed up wiv annoyin' twats ringin' me up - probably just another celeb-obsessed stalker wantin' a pair of me used panties ter sniff at".

As to Geldork's version of events: "Adele was too busy with her Xmas shopping ter bother about people dropping dead all over Africa."

For all celebrity-fixated wannabe's with no interest in 'getting a life of their own, why not enter our 'Spot the Knobhead' competition - put names to the cast of Blob Geldork's 2014 Band Aid charity extravaganza and you too could win a monogrammed life size plaster cast copy of Bono's brain - mounted in an eggcup.

Thought for the day. Pity they didn't think to have Kim Kardashian's 'ample' (sic) brown Armenian bubble bum (la derriere magnifique) up for auction. Now the chance of a night cuddling Kim, and spooning that inflated Hottentot gluteal monstrosity would have raised mega bucks.

Perhaps as an encore Geldork and his motley crew of do-good helpers might grow a set of bollocks and truly reflect on what the fuck is wrong in this world, then cobble together a fresh dog n pony show act to perform a mass celebrity-powered Band Aid gig that highlights the human rights and war crimes abuse suffered by the non-combatant civilian Palestinian populations of the occupied West Bank and Gaza Strip enclave under the ZioNazi jackboot of the latter day Ashkenazi barbarians running Israel.

Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals - otters or voles – or malnourished Sudanese refugees - were harmed in posting this insurrectionist epistle. However, a large number of the GCHQ / Five Eyes Alliance’s Prism / Tempora / Carnivore / Echelon / X-Keyscore / SIG-INT I-Spy super snooper ‘Nosy Bastard’ wire-tap / IMSI catchers / eavesdropping / data mining system’s network electrons on Hubble Bubble Road in Cheltenham were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour 'and' hard public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Butcher's Dog said...

Ha. A life-sized replica of Bono's brain mounted in an eggcup.

Ripper said...

Like it. Hilarious piss take of these posturing clowns - especially the Satanist paedo likes of Geldorf n Bono.

Frankie said...

Bono only gets his face into these charity flimflams so he can cop a knighthood like his Irish coke-snorting buddy Geldorf.
Some chance, wearing a pair of tints 24/7 he looks like some Third World regime military dictator - a right twat.

Santana said...

No shit. WTF is next on the agenda? A celeb-packed Band Aid effort to cure cancer and AIDS.
How about a peace-drive to expose the Zionist owned mass media's propaganda spin on Russian meddling in the Ukraine and instead expose the US of A and Israeli war mongers meddling in the Middle East and North Africa and demonising Islam?

Finnegan said...

The entire self-promoting Band Aid crew - and scumbags like Geldorf and U2's Bonehead - are patronising morons who are simply stereotyping Africans as Third World ne-er do wells that would go under if not for them.
If they wanna help, then expose the real problems - Western neo-colonialism, puppet dictator regimes, and the IMF compliance big stick.