UK Shoplifting Crime Rate Soars

In this morning’s 'Klepto's's Guide to Xmas’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Under this not fit for purpose fuck up of a Con-Dem / Libservative (call it what you might) Coalition government the UK's shoplifting crime rate has soared to astronomical proportions - a factor civic action groups collectively attribute to Broken Britain's depression-stricken jobless wilderness and the poverty-level slashing of welfare benefits by the likes of the Tory's train fare dodging / narcotic substance snorting Chancellor George 'Spankies' Osborne - and the insufferable Department of Works & Pensions Minister, Iain Dunkin-Shit.

Met Plod Squad spokeswoman, WPC Chlamydia Mingerot, informed an all-party Parliamentary group on food poverty and hunger of the serious concerns that although there has been a reduction in almost every type of crime - apart from elevated child porn and paedo sexual offences by MPs and Tory cabinet ministers - what is being termed as 'survival shoplifting' has seen a 26% rise across the county as the common herd battle to cope with brutal welfare benefit cuts in the Nasty Party's austerity Britain.

It was further noted that there was no substantial 'peine forte et dure' or amercement penalty in place to serve as a deterrent, for if caught in the act then the police response sanction usually amounted to no more than a cant-loaded lecture and a 'remedial justice' slap on the wrist, plus saying 'sorry' - unlike certain Middle East Third World shitholes - and here the barbaric Wahhabist sect of the despotic regime of Saudi Arabia springs immediately to mind - where the inherent Islamic 'cruelty culture' ordains that hands get chopped off for stealing a mere crust. Yep, Sharia Law - what a wheeze. Gimmee dat ''Old Time Heathen Religion'.

WPC Mingerot's statistics revealed there were more than 21,000 extra thefts from stores across England and Wales, a near seven per cent hike in Pound Stretcher outlets alone - and up to last June there were a grand total of 321,014 recorded shoplifting crimes where penniless pensioners and hard up housewives had been caught virtually 'red-handed' (sic) in their local Greedy Grocer supermarket branch with a pork pie or insta-microwave dinner shoved down their knickers.

A report in this week's Kleptomaniac's Gazette reveals their recent street poll pinpointed the worst hit area up to the end of November as being south London's Skidrow Hamlets - with 37,680 reported thefts in that month alone - and all from Aleef's 24/7 corner shop at the junction of Scally Street and Muggers Lane.

Fellattia van der Gamm, of the Gussett Trust food bank, obviously one blessed with the gift of stating the fucking obvious, shared this little piece of moronic wisdom with a gutter press hack from Cannibal magazine: “One of the reasons for shoplifting is levels of unemployment, welfare benefits being cut and coping with the sky high cost of living - plus forking out the draconian bedroom tax - which suggests that perhaps this line of criminal activity is poverty or hunger-related.”

Nice one Fellattia, now go back to sucking your - er - thumb.

Citizens Advice Bureau director Mingeeter Dildodo related to media hacks that 50,000 extra shoplifting incidents were recorded around Manchester in the run-up to Christmas - with 'must have' bare essentials such as the latest cell phones, eye shadow, lip gloss, condoms and 'morning after' pills being pilfered from supermarket shelves rather than the customary bottles of 25 year old malt whiskey, Xmas trees, mince pies and turkeys.

Thought for the day. No need to apply 20/20 hindsight to this dilemma as things are gonna get a damn sight worse before they improve to any discernable degree.
So, job numero uno for the New Year - let's vote this useless shower of Tory / Lib-Dum shites out of Downing Street come the 7th of May, 2015.

Who to vote for that's any better? Fluck knows, but we were better off as a people under New Labour's one-eyed nonce ponce leader, the inept Gordon 'Incapability' Broon and his balancing the national books by popping down to the IMF's Payday Loan centre every Friday.
Or is it to be the indestructible Nigel Barrage and his UKIP troopers? They can't be any worse than what we have. In fact Wallace and Gromit could do a better job of running our once-sceptred isle than Posh Dave Scameron and his overpaid Nasty Party self-interest cohorts.

On the self-delusional 'bright side', a Merry Christmas to one and all - enjoy it while you can.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour 'and' hard public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.