Bonkers Tories Ban Soixante-Neuf Sex

In this morning’s 'Ultimate Killjoy’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The joke has been kicking around since Christ knows when - perhaps the time of JC - and more likely before that: if money-grubbing governments could figure out a way to impose a tax on sex then they would.

Well, obviously the Tory contingent of the Con-Dem coalition have given up with the incompetent HMRC gang getting their act together on that score - and protests from their Lib-Dum coalition partners besides - have decided to slap a verboten / illegal label on most of the 'best bits' of carnal foreplay in the hope of such being a deterrent for penetrative sex too - and into this Devil's due bargain take a simultaneous broadside swipe at fulfilling the Agenda 21 population control conspiracy targets to cut the numbers of useless eaters - all of which adds up to extra bonus brownie points on the carbon credits cap n trade exchange bourse.

Yep, it's Posh Dave Scameron and the Nasty Party Tories at it again - the same political bodgers who replaced Britain's prefix of Great with the current Broken and after nigh on five years in office the entire UK economy and job scene are still arse over tit.

But here again we are treated to a stellar display of amateurs posing as professionals and if the propaganda isn't doing the job then simply hit the socio-political distraction button and get our criminal security services to launch another of their false flag operations and put the blame on Mohammed al Patsy and his hapless madrassa mates.

Obviously this gang of morons can't get their act together to field a no-nonsense, zero conflict of interest 'transparent' / public accountability inquiry into historic child sex abuse allegations charged against a nasty - and homicidal - Westminster based paedophile ring comprised of Tory cabinet ministers with a fetish for snuffing their post-sodomised catamites, but have opted for pushing a legislation bill to ban all manner of what they term 'deviant' sexual acts in the filming of porno movies - or as photos in BD/SM magazines.

Thus no more big pairs of knockers with pierced nipples and covered with drips of scorching hot candle wax on Page 3 of the Daily Shitraker or Wankers Gazette. An end to alfresco dogging flicks on the late night adult Onanist Channel - with three hole sex scenes slashed and a ban on 69 combo fellatio / cunnilingus - which obviously equates as heralding a death sentence for rimming scenes too.

If this is the best pre-Christmas 'let's all look busy to justify our overpaid existence' legislation effort Pelindaba Dave can come up with to keep the two-day per week House of Conmans on its toes, then his sex life with the snow-snorting Sammy must be one boring missionary style 'on n off' premature ejaculation farce.
Really, what the fuck are these politico idiots up to - assuming the moral high ground in the run-up to next May's general election?

In the 1980's cabinet level criminal elements (Carington's Nonce Club) of Slaggie Twatcher's Nasty Party government directed the Plod Squad's Special Branch and security services to block investigations into a bevy of child sex abuse scandals - after they stooped to decriminalising what the Bible's Old Testament categorically labels as 'unnatural acts of homosexual sodomy' in 1967 and 'almost' - with the help of Harriet Harman - succeeded in up-ending the Indecency with Children Act 1960 and lowering the age of sexual consent to nursery level to reconcile with the perverted demands of their PIE / Ninth Circle Masonic secret handshake fraternity pederast brothers.

And now, under Scameron's leadership the Nasty Party - in the hope of winning the 'fudger vote' - have thrown God's moral law to the vagaries of the four winds to bestow their blessings on same sex marriage.

Hmmm, once upon a generation or two ago it was a behind closed doors sin, and cottaging a criminal offence (ask ex-New Labour PM / war criminal Tony 'Charles Lytton' Bliar about that one) now these deviants are out in alfresco display. So from Sodomite's Shame (acts Biblically condemned - by none other than God Himself - 'and' the Sexual Offences Act 1956) - with the hand of the Devil in the details - or the small print footnotes - we have evolved to Gay Pride.

For the record and by coincidence alone, we see same sex marriages being legitimised in Bonny Scotland this very day - with the first church wedding of 'Jocks in frocks' happy couple, Adam & Steve.
But enough said of treacherous Caledonia - engaged in the seditious act of breaking away from the UK - to be governed by a cabal of deviant Speculative Society nonces in tartan skirts and their apologist / protectors - and in the process making a total 'treasonous' fuck of the Union Jack's geometric colour scheme.

So while the Librarian-Dummercrats leader, Deputy PM Nick Clegg, might well remonstrate with Cabbage Patch Dave over this topsy turvy decision to 'sanitise' (Que? WTF?) porno movies by criminalising muff munching between heterosexual and / or homosexual (poufters and dykes) partners - along with golden showers, acts of fisting 'and' the use of 'donkey dick' sized dildos.
So what the fuck is the situation with a jolly good old romping ménage à trois clusterfuck - does such also come under Scameron's 'verboten' heading?

While Julian Huppert, the Lib Dum MP for Cambridge, tabled a House of Conmans motion calling for the new rules to be annulled as such would knock the guts out of the money-spinning porno industry and blue movie market, this ban on erotic acts has sparked none other than a raunchy Parliament Square 'face-sitting' protest, with participants engaging in sexual positions that involve contact between 'the tongue and parts of the groin' (sic) - commonly referred to as the 'cock' (M) or 'snatch' (F) - aka 'muff diving'.

Huppert opined to one guttter press hack from Spank-a-Rama magazine that "Obviously Scameron and the Tory crowd are taking a cue from the Japanese hard core porn movie industry, where the sex organs are fuzzed over and the bitch getting gang banged by a bunch of Yakuza heavies simply lies there making squeaking noises - like the footage of those unfortunate Arab bints being waterboarded by a bunch of CIA Renta Thug proxies at Abu Ghraib Prison."

Conversely while Coalition Lib-Dum partner Nick Clegg might well be opposed to the Tory ban, Labour's wunderking juvenile leader, 'Gangnam Ed' Millipede, took time off from reading his latest Wallace & Gromit film script and actually agreed with Scameron - claiming that face-sitting is disgusting and made him sick on the singular occasion wife Justine tried to introduce him to the sensual pleasures of oral sex, tossed her ample buttocks over his face and said "eat this, Eddie" - then got carried away with orgasmic bliss, broke wind and almost gassed him.

Thought for the day. So this ill-thought legislation is to include BD/SM activities too - and a ban on spankies. Obviously that's not going to go down too well with the likes of ex-FIA / Formula One supremo Max 'Me Dad's A Nazi' Mosley - or the Nasty Party's very own train fare dodging Tory MP for Cheshire's up-market Tatton: Chancellor Georgie Osborne - an outed snort n spankies aficionado and regular client at Madam McLashers Chelsea-based 'discipline clinic'.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour 'and' hard public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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