Pigswill Foods 'Pay n Stay' Scam Exposed

In this morning’s ‘Blackmail & Extortion’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Pigswill Foods, one of Broken Britain's biggest grocery manufacturers, has been caught on the mooch and cadging mega-bucks up-front payouts off its suppliers for the dubious privilege of continuing to do business with the firm - otherwise risk being 'delisted'.

Interviewed by the BBC's Newshite 'Ripoff Hour' programme, one supplier claimed the practice - spoken of in whispers as 'pay and stay' (or 'fuck off') – equates as Blackmail –with a large capital B.
Ron McScrote, owner of McScrote's Silage, related that "They demanded I cough up £70,000 quid which is a fuckin' scam as far as I'm concerned an' bears the fetid stench of Nonceland's raving poufter Stuart King, James the First, flogging off monopolies ter pay fer his rent boys – only in this case it’s Pigswill Foods putting a price on the dubious privilege of supplying them with produce."

Conversely, Pigswill's chief executive Freddy Fagin, in a pathetic effort to counter McScrote's damning remarks, told Newshite: "We launched our 'invest for growth' policy last year as part of a broader initiative to boost our director's annual bonus payments - which included slashing the number of our suppliers from the dog and pony show one man outfits like McScrote's to companies who appreciate the value of a strategic partnership focused on mutual growth. Specifically they pay us and we designate them as most favoured supplier."

While Pigswill's Fagin says he's fairly confident the 'pay and stay' scam did not break any rules under competition law, the Newshite expose revealed details that the struggling company has received zillions of pounds from its suppliers in this way - a scandalous fact now being scrutinised by the government's geriatric Business Minister, Vince Cobbles and referred to the CMA watchdog.

The company ran into dire straits financially last year following their disastrous joint venture with Monsanto Mutant Meals to produce a genetically modified hybrid cross of a Tamworth pig with the recovered DNA of a Siberian mammoth to create the luncheon meat producing 'Spammoth' - a two ton porcine monster that was so tough to chew even their Pooch Chow and Bonedigger dog food line canine customers refused to eat it.

The company, which owns patent rights to a swathe of popular household brand names that include Mrs Shylock's Marzipan Matzo, Chico's Chunder Cakes, Scambrosia Puds n Custard, Pisto Gravy, Shitwood Sauces, Mr Kripling Pies, Biffo's Barf Burgers and Poxo, were hit with a series of crippling law suites in 2012 when their GMO 'Frankenfoods' Chew n Spew microwave insta-meal line - while being much sought after by anorexia sufferers and bulimics on Pigswill's vaunted Puke-a-Thon weight loss diet - were found to contain dangerous levels of carcinogenic plutonium and had to be withdrawn.

Ms Fellattia van der Gamm, director of the Federation of Small Businesses, opined to media hacks that "This blatant 'pay n stay - or else' demand on the part of Pigswill Foods is the type of strong arm 'gun point' tactics employed by Mafia gangsters and not what is to be expected from a UK food manufacturer."
"While their Fagin boss might well purport that they're not doing anything illegal under the statutes of the Groceries' Code, the entire scam is wholly immoral. It's a dishonest practice - on the surface and to the very core and these ‘profit over all’ motivated scumsters know it. What, we might ask, is going to come next? Pay up or we'll send the heavies round and break your legs?"

"If they are in financial difficulties viz the negative growth economic climate / adverse commercial forces, and through their own fault with the calamitous Spammoth project and their 'insta-tumour' radioactive Puke-a-Thon meals - then like these incompetent casino culture banksters and their overdrawn institutions – apply Darwin’s survival of the fittest maxim and let them go under – to be replaced by stronger., more stable institutions."

The BBC's Newshite programme did reveal that the government-appointed regulator, the Competition and Markets Authority, was suffering the negative, downside effects of Chancellor Osborne's 'austerity drive' and thus reluctant to commit resources to any investigation this side of Easter 2015 - as the costs would be a drain on their forthcoming Christmas party budget.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour 'and' hard public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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