Tuesday, 30 December 2014

WTF: Performance Bonus for Mass Fubar?

In today’s ‘Enhanced Travel Sickness’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from commuters, stranded tourists and generalised marooned wayfarers who are sick to the point of a vomitous death with the chaos and self-harm despondency frustrations involved in (attempting to) travel on Broken Britain's equally broken train services.

Now, to add insult to permanent injury, the shameless tosser responsible for the rail chaos that left millions of travellers along the East Coast line stranded and waiting overnight on crowded platforms over the Christmas holiday – (with many succumbing to frostbite, several dying of hypothermia and an undisclosed number committing suicide by slashing their own wrists with an Oyster card) - is to cop for a guaranteed £371,000 quid retirement bonus.

Robin 'Gray-Gone' Gisby, the brass necked exec' responsible for Notwork Rail's day-to-day maintenance and hence the catastrophic festive season engineering fubars and snafus, already rakes in a bloated £378,000 nicker per annum salary and is up to grab this publicly-funded extravagance – a £371,000 quid bonus - on top of the almost £1 million quid total pay and perks package - (which includes pension contributions of £148,000, a £300,000 “golden handcuffs” retention payment and annual bonus of £48,000) - he's pocketed for the 2013/14 financial year.

The not fit for purpose Gisby has been a director on the deadwood board of publicly-owned Notwork Rail since it was formed from the remnants (read 'ruins') of investor-shy Practical Pig Trains and Rattle-Track – both of which were liquidated in 2003 following the Baconsfield collision disaster.

While public fury rages at the affront of Gisby being awarded a £371,000 bonus, with calls for him to hang his head in shame – and perhaps go for the ritual seppuku option as way of apology – alike the penance acts of disgraced Japanese CEOs – the mass media are shouting that if he has anything resembling a social conscience then should refuse this 'non-performance' bonus – or donate it to Stranded – the destitute rail commuter's charity.

Candida Mingerot, campaigns director of the Taxpayers’ Alliance, opined to one gutter press hack from Train Wreck magazine that Gisby's pay packet figures were an outrage.
"For fuck's sake, this is chaos in motion – so what are these clowns playing at? Stevenson's Rocket ran a better service than this latter day fuck-up – even with a bloke waving a red flag walking (at a steady pace) in front of the locomotive."

"We've already has a damning report released in October which found the entire Notwork Rail maintenance program is £40 million nicker over-budget and months behind schedule – and more troubling still is the fact these tossers haven't got a clue about basic data on their own bridges and the thousands of trains delayed. Thus we reckon it's about time to re-brand Notwork with the more appropriately title of Snail Rail."

Meanwhile Rail Minister Claire 'Bonkers' Perry opened herself to widespread – and justified - ridicule after claiming there is “light at the end of the tunnel” for passengers.
What a fucking joke – a light indeed. Wake the fuck up Claire – it's another broken down train.
Yep, this is the self-same Tory MP that doesn't know the difference between the 'national debt' and the 'national deficit'. God fucking help us.

Writing in the Daily Shitraker, the delusional Perry, who was given her first government job in the summer reshuffle, claims only a minority of computers are unhappy with rail services and she was 'chuffed to little mintballs' with the network after travelling from London to Edinburgh last week on Nonce-Rail and Caledonian Creeper - then making the return journey with Sardine Mainline's Inter-Shitty service – with an overnight stop in Holyhead.

Juxtaposed with Notwork Rail's useless maintenance director Gisby, the actual company CEO, Mark Carnage had the brazen hubris to fob press hacks off with a statement of 'I've got far more important things to talk about than my pay packet'.

So fuck Carnage – we'll discuss his pay n perks arrangement since he joined Notwork Rail as chief executive in January this year, replacing Sir David Piggins - who moved along the corporate trough to the fatally flawed Slow Speed 2 project as executive chairman.
Now although his annual bonus is limited to a mere 20% of an outrageous £675,000 nicker salary, this cranks the aforesaid bonus up to £135,000.

And while we're on the subject of scum of the Earth shitbag corporate boardroom directors and CEOs let's have a few nasty septis-dipped needles stuck in the voodoo doll effigy of flabby arsed Better Crapital's head honcho, Jon 'Pig-Eyes' Moulton - founder and managing partner of Vulture Fund Investments who, assuming the role of God, has single-handedly delivered the Shitty-Link courier service into liquidation and made thousands of staff redundant on Christmas Eve – whose next post-festive season stop-off will be at their local Jobcentre, jostling in the queue with a horde of Polacks, vulgar Bulgars and other assorted eastern European pikey and gyppo types searching for non-existent employment.

Fat cat greedster Moulton informed a press hack from the Ripoffs Review that the 2,700 workers he's put out of a job will have to apply to the government for statutory redundancy pay as his Better Crapital are in the business of making money for investors and not a registered charity.

What a money grubbing, asset stripping dog wanker - especially so when he bought the ailing company for a mere £1 (one pound – no typo) just last year. How not to win a popularity contest. And to add insult to injury the parcel carrier will not now deliver and customers with orders stuck at Shitty Link's 53 depots across the UK were given just one day to collect their goods at their own expense.

Bev Titwank, a 16-year-old mother of three, hailing from Landfill Terraces in south London's notoriously unpleasant Slumborough Hamlets, was left with no option but to head out on Christmas Eve to collect a parcel containing the pair of new kidneys she'd ordered for her ailing Granny from Israel's Rabid Rabbi black market transplant organ syndicate – guaranteed 'teenage quality' and freshly harvested from some occupied West Bank Palestinian rock-chucking youth – and scheduled to arrive last weekend via Shitty-Link's premium next day transplant organ service.

"Wot an effin' ripoff that woz an' I'd bin savin' all me drug dealin' money up fer months ter buy them fer me Gran an' get her off that dialysis machine. I got the parcel home an' stuck it in the fridge cos there woz all this blood an' shit runnin' out of it. Then I opens it in the mornin' an' the fuckin' kidneys had gone rotten and woz stinkin' like week old roadkill – an' even me boyfriend's pit bull terrier shied off eatin' 'em.

Thought for the day. Regarding our once-sceptred isle's shagged rail system and privatised train services, hopefully that old tosser Dr Dickie 'Fat Fuck' Beeching is turning in his grave for the unforgivable crime of dismantling our stellar British Rail and reducing its legacy of Mussolini style 'on time' efficiency to the Third World mess of pottage it has now become.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour 'and' hard public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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