UK Troops to Teachers: Major Fubar

In this morning’s ‘Daft Ideas Gone Tits Up’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in ribald ridicule and scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding non-conformists, proto-nihilists and career radical revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

According to a report released in the House of Conmans last week, a hare-brained Tory government scheme to train ex-Army personnel as school teachers has been a Biblical scale fuck-up of Brobdingnagian proportions – with a total of twenty-eight military personnel qualifying for the disastrous ‘Troops To Teachers’ initiative since it began three years ago. Not bad, just under ten a year.

The ‘Triple T Initiative' was introduced by the Nasty Party's slack jawed former Education Secretary, Michael 'The Pob' Gove, in 2013, with the aim of bringing back some good old-fashioned 'spit n polish' / 'do or die for Queen n country' ethics and personal discipline into Broken Britain's overcrowded Asbo Central Academy classrooms – a fatally flawed project inspired by the questionable belief that gung-ho-style teaching tactics might benefit a sprog's learning progress.

The Pob's selling point centred on the argument that every child could benefit from the values of a military ethos – as self-discipline and teamwork are at the heart of what makes Broken Britain's armed forces the best thing since sliced bread - and exactly the essential ingredient that young people need to succeed in all aspects of civilian life: the workplace or while out shopping – a killer instinct.

Under the initiative, burned out military veterans with experience in advanced interrogation techniques (er – torture) are able to undertake a fast-track teacher training course over two years – with four days per week spent 'hands-on' in schools, and one day set aside for personal further educational studies - to enable recruits to keep at least one step ahead of the students they're tasked with teaching.

In addition, former military service personnel can join MPs and uncivil servants by taking advantage of generous government handouts – with a salary paid while they train – and lucky ex-squaddies able to earn 80% of the usual unqualified teacher pay rates - if they can read and write and count above ten without using their fingers (or toes).

To wit, if the above appalling record isn't shameful enough for Posh Dave Scameron's Nasty Party government in and of itself, the number of Triple T course applicants has dropped like the Tory poll ratings since the recruitment drive began - down from an unimpressive 293 when Pob kick started the project three years ago - to a piss poor showing of 62 hands during the last sign up session – a state of affairs branded by Labour's back-biting troll of a shadow education secretary, Lucy Powell, as 'a catastrophic and embarrassing failure'.

"The Pob even plagiarised the Triple T brand from the US version of the same – which hasn't exactly been a whole-hearted success across America – with ex-Gulf War army veterans actually water-boarding erring pupils who failed to hand their homework assignments in on schedule – and several instances of cheeky kids being shot or bayoneted or garrotted by their teachers for 'insubordination' – such as answering back with smart-arsed quips."
"The entire programme is another typical Tory 'on the cheap' austerity scam. Not designed to recruit qualified teaching staff but rather find jobs for battle-weary paranoid psychos and hire teachers on a pittance of a salary."

Thought for the day. Military ethos? Yeah right - marching up n down the playground; whitewashing piles of coal; eyes-front discipline; learning by rote – and field stripping the characters and personalities of talented, evolving adolescent individuals into robotic response units – all to facilitate an unquestioning and compliant 'Yes Sir' unified herd mentality.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour 'and' hard public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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