MPs Debate 'Fraud Immunity' Bill

This morning’s ‘Untouchable Politicians’ edition brings readers the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Lord Jarvis Figg-Newton, currently sat on the doorstep of the House of Frauds holding a begging bowl and leaking Masonic state secrets for thirty pieces of silver – all bought up in a job lot by Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill hacks – then fired off into cyberspace in 'ring of the anvil' dispatch format – to be hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire at our underground editorial desk - to tempt the palates of all budding non-conformists, proto-nihilists and career radical revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In a bid to maintain an air on anonymity and avoid gross embarrassment and the stigma of being branded as sticky fingered scumbag pariahs the next time they're collared and cuffed by the Met's Plod Squad for fiddling their House of Conmans expenses, a bloc of larcenously-minded MPs intend to manipulate the Tory-despised EUSSR human rights and wrongs laws to suit their own corrupt ends this week - to prevent the gutter press media machine from ever naming and shaming them again.

Lord Figg-Newton confirmed the rumours published in a fishing expedition report by the Daily Shitraker on Monday, which tossed libel laws to the vagaries of the four winds and disclosed that four dodgy MPs had been secretly referred to Mr Plod for investigation of misappropriation of public funds by the Parliamentary expenses watchdog.
A fifth MP was fingered by one sharp-eyed member of the public and is being jointly investigated by the Met Plod Squad and the Independent Parliamentary Standards Coverups Authority – with the latter refusing the media's stream of filed Freedom of Information requests to name any of the MPs - despite admitting that there is reason to suspect criminal offences have been committed.

Until this little crooked 'cover our scally arses' human rights ploy was put into play, the names of MPs entered in the Westminster Naughty Book and taken into custody by the police were automatically published on the Parliamentary order paper.
However a motion tabled by Chris 'Baldy' Graything, the Nasty Party's pit bull attack dog and MP for Epsom Salts – and lately the leader of the ever-so aptly named House of Conmans – a self-declared arch critic of Brussels' human rights and wrongs legislation – (and hence a right old hypocrisy-ridden twat with some venal sins to hide) - will mean that Parliament's diminutive Speaker John 'Shortarse' Bercow, will no longer have to lie and prevaricate about thieving MPs being arrested by Mr Plod.

For the public record regarding the openly homophobic Graything's involvement with this latest self-preservation / 'indemnify us against our own greed-inspired follies' misuse of the Human Rights & Wrongs Act by MPs to claim anonymity if arrested by the Plods – the man himself - an ex-BBC wanker and all-round class act prick with the personality of a chemotherapy ward – also has past form as an expenses-fiddling klepto regarding extortionate claims for repairs and decorating at his poxy Pimlico apartment.

Graything's expenses issue was seen as a major embarrassment for the Tory hierarchy with the publication of a headline in the Tosspots Gazette: 'Tory frying pan calls New Labour kettle 'blackarse' - as he had previously slagged off Bliarite ministers for being implicated in sleaze scandals – quite a typical example of Nasty Party holier than thou hypocrisy.

Thus MPs are to be tasked with debating a report compiled by a House of Conmans committee last year, which called for names to be kept secret to protect the right of members to privacy under the ambiguous statutes of Article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights and Wrongs.
Well, in that case, what applies to the goose also applies to the gander – thus, metaphors aside, the same anonymity should be good for criminal elements of the common herd too.

The Independent Parliamentary Standards Coverups Authority has to date only named two of the 'fifty-five' MPs it has been investigating for fiddling expenses since April 2014 after concluding the cases involved fellow Masonic secret handshake brethren or reaching secret payback agreements with the offenders.
To wit, the secrecy of arrangements means that several fiddling, thieving bastard MPs were re-elected in May 2015 despite the investigations, and the common herd voting public kept in the dark and hence none the wiser.

Thus what we're faced with is a cabal of 650 dodgy klepto wankers who simply cannot be trusted to keep their sticky fingers out of the taxpayer's purse. A bunch of money-grubbing lowlifes who's minimum wage has been boosted from £67,060 to £74,000 quid last July – and backdated to 8th May 2015 – while we have the millionaire cabinet clique on £134,565 nicker per annum – plus raking in generous expenses – which is what the brouhaha is all about.

At the end of the day, they can call it what the fuck they like but it all comes down to common or garden theft. It's embezzlement - white collar crime – and regardless of this intended legislation providing them with an unassailable position, seeing the Tory Party are so thick with the Saudi Arabian gang, why not adopt the Wahhabist's Sharia Law penalty and chop a few fucking sticky fingered hands off – now that should act as a bit of a deterrent.

What's required is a latter day Diogenes – going around Parliament mid-morning, toting a lantern and on the lookout for an honest man.

An example of how fucking crooked and petty these bastards are. Westminster's highest-earning Tory MP just happened to 'overlook' declaring some £400,000 quids worth of outside / extra income he pocketed but remembered to claim a piddling 49 pence in expenses for bottles of milk – not once but four times. A further claim for £2 worth of tea bags was also knocked back.

Much to the detriment of his long-suffering Porridge (Devon) constituents, slackbencher Geoffrey Cockhead supplements his meagre £74,000 MPs salary work as a Q.C. and doesn't give a flying fuck about the business of Parliament.
For his transgressions Cockhead apologised to the House of Conmans – an act of contrition that lasted 49 seconds – including breaks to dab at the crocodile tears.
Hmmm, surprised he didn't get a 'He's a jolly good fellow' round of rapturous applause from his 649 fellow shitbag MP pals alike a certain crypto-kikester MP for Leicester back in 1991 when he proclaimed himself innocent of sodomising little gentile boys

Obviously Parliament in entirety is a rip-off zone when we have MPs fiddling their expenses and now the upper House of Frauds membershits whingeing that the £300 nicker daily allowance for attending is inadequate.

Lord Porkbarrel of Greedborough Hamlets, a hedge-fund boss and Nasty Party donor, is apparently under the delusion that the common herd would agree that £300 quid is modest and nowhere near enough - if they knew how hard peers worked. Que? WTF?

The House of Frauds underpaid at £300 nicker a day plus expenses and subsidised restaurant and bar – same as the Conmans chamber? They're not exactly counting on their tax credits and the minimum wage hike in April to improve the quality of their lives, now are they?

The 71-year-old Porkbarrel, rumoured to have a personal wealth of £150 zillion stashed in offshore tax dodger accounts and has donated £6.5 trillion nicker to the Tory political machine in exchange for his peerage, told press hacks he personally does not claim the allowance because "it wouldn't keep my little brown Thai catamites in liquorice allsorts and menthol suppositories."

Do you have anything to hide? Have you been arrested for fiddling your Parliamentary expenses? Claiming a few bob for a third or fourth home? Does the moat at your 'country pile' mansion need dredging? How about a hand-crafted floating pagoda for Daffy Duck? A few nepotism salaries for close family employed as Parliamentary aides? Fancy chancing a couple more phantom mortgages? How about a nice cosy Persian fireside rug from a New Pork antique salon?

The fucking mind boggled at the brazen cheek of the bastards. £74,000 per annum and they still want to fiddle a few quid more.

Thought for the day. So we ask ourselves – is this perfidious human rights ploy simply orientated to the abuse of Parliamentary expense claims or is there a more sinister motive – such as being collared and investigated for past paedo-related sexual offences while a member of the Dolphin Square Kiddie Fiddlers Club – or simply the guilty by association factor of being photographed with an arm around Jimmy Savile or Rolf Harris – same as Prince Dobby, his Royal Rudeness, Duke Stavros of Edinburgh, Maggie Twatcher – or Queen Lizzy ?

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour 'and' hard public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Raving Rupert Mudrock's News Corp and the uber-racist Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence - (unless one has the audacity to dare expose, name and shame the membership ranks of Scotland's Masonic Speculative Society 'Nonce Ponce' Magic Circle / Violate BD/SM Club kiddie fiddling cabal – along with their Holyrood Parliament / Crown Office sodomite / paedo-enablers and cover-up protectors).