Welcome to the EU’s New Dark Ages

Under the latest stupid EU ruling the manufacture and import of 100 watt incandescent light bulbs in Britain will be banned in favour of the CFL energy-saving variety - by which you can’t see to read – or write - brush your hair, wipe your arse, tie your shoe laces or shave without cutting your own throat.

According to the latest 1,286,498 page paper report from the Brussels’ based Energy Saving Trust, which is estimated to cause the devastation of three hectares of rainforest per printed copy - Compact Fluorescent Lamps (energy-saving bulbs) use what the boffins and anoraks claim is ‘a lot less electricity than standard bulbs’.
How much they don’t actually seem to know just yet – although the prestigious Twatford Institute for Advanced Guesswork asserts the CFL bulbs use 45% less power than a standard 100 watt incandescent type – but put out a scandalous 80% less light.

However they claim that changing your 100 watt bathroom light bulb to one of their super-duper nasty poisonous mercury-filled energy-conscious bulbs could save the average household £590 in energy over their projected lifetime of 10 years - plus the all-round carbon saving would prevent three families of polar bears from drowning and be the equivalent of taking 70,000 cars off the road or cancelling every Thomas Cook 'Yobettes' binge drinking vacation flight from Heathrow to Mallorca from now until Doomsday.

Wow - save the poxy polar bears – a good enough stand-alone reason by itself. But while cutting carbon emissions and cheaper electricity bills might entice many, others are less than happy.

Commonplace whinges about the new bulbs include the sad facts they’re twice the price of the traditional 100 watt bulbs, take too long to warm up, they’re pig dog ugly, they give off piss poor light and they contain the arch-evil toxic heavy metal : mercury - making them potentially hazardous and hard to get rid of re-cycling wise – plus a full chemo-hazard suit job for clean ups if one gets dropped and smashes – covering the floor with lethal shards of highly noxious glass that polar bears – or local council sneaks - might tread on.

According to informed campaigners energy-saving bulbs can trigger migraines, exacerbate leprous skin conditions and lead to other serious health problems – including ingrowing toenails, brain tumours, halitosis and total blindness.

One opponent, Frank Snott, a part-time tomcat peeler from Smegmadale, decided he couldn't face life without 100 watts. "I've bought a 15-year supply of the old-fashioned 100 and 150 watt incandescent light bulbs so fuck Al Gore an’ all this global warmin’ bullshit," he told the Cormorant Strangler’s Gazette.

Under EU legislation any bulb with frosted, opal, pearl, amethyst or other semi-precious finish - unless category A energy savers - will be henceforth banned from the 1st September 2009 – with all clear bulbs not stamped with the new Cyrillic Eurocode banned from the same date.

So, as our 120-year long love affair with 100 watt bulbs is about to become yet another sad victim to Big Brother / Nanny State stupidity and be declared anathema as of tomorrow - what, we ponder is going to be the next Messianic banishment edict to be announced by the topsy-turvy madmen running Brussels – and by proxy – the UK : candles, oil lamps and Coleman lanterns to be verboten by 2015?

According to the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money website, if you can’t see properly after installing CFL bulbs and keep bumping into things then eat more raw carrots, buy a flashlight and go for an eye test at Specsavers.”