Binmen : Cheap Proxies for Teachers

Thousands of untrained staff – including night club bouncers, postmen, driving instructors and even binmen – are being used as "cheap labour" to cover for absent teachers according to a report leaked by disaffected snitches at the Ministry of Education.

By law only fully qualified teachers and licenced assistants can take lessons in state schools, but the report identified instances when untrained staff – so-called "cover supervisors" with the academic qualifications of a Barbary rock ape - were taking their place for weeks – if not whole terms - at a time.

The report - left behind a lavatory cistern in a Whitehall pub toilet in exchange for the classical thirty pieces of silver - reveals that untrained staff were being deployed in the toughest classes, with the lowest ability pupils, where it is often difficult to recruit full-time teachers who have any interest in wasting their time and efforts trying to teach brain-dead yobs and yobettes about anything – or are awaiting trail for beating problem pupils to death with the science class weights and measures set.

Professor Waldorf Fuctifino, a senior Education Department career snitch – told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker "Cover supervisors from one local council’s refuse collection division were teaching and commenting on pupils A-Level mock exam work in Quantum Sematics – posting marginal notations and comments such as – “That’s a crock of shit – do it again – or else!”

"They are not trained or in any way qualified to be making those type of judgements. The people we met had previous careers working in the post office and mental institutions – as inmates - or being a wheelie bin emptier – and even High Street shit-pickers."

Some headteachers acknowledge they used cover supervisors because of "budgetary concerns" – they can be paid as little as £1.50 an hour – especially so the Albanian pikey immigrant types or unemployed Chinese cockle pickers - who’ll actually put in a full day for a pack of Pol Pot noodles and the promise of a pay review when the Tories win the next election.

The report reveals the New Labour government and Ofsted’s current five-year drive to reduce qualified teachers' working hours from forty per week to zero – to coincide with the imminent enforcement of the EU’s Communist Federation of Europe manifesto where children’s education will be a thing of the past - hence the huge rise in the number of unskilled classroom assistants - some with an NVQ1 Diploma in Basic Drain Clearing Technology.

National Union of Teachers spokewoman Rita Scrunt told Fux News "It's fine to use moonlighting bouncers or taxi drivers as cover supervisors for short periods while the actual teacher pops out for a quick nervous breakdown – or a relaxing bifta – or to take a crap - but when we learn that they’re actually laying out their own syllabus for the kids and running the classes day in and day out then something is seriously fucked up.”

Former soldiers and military stockade guards – kicked out of the Army after being found guilty of charges of cruelty at Abu Grahib Prison in Iraq - are also known to have been employed in schools where overall discipline had been lax and the odd Chinese Burn or broken fibia has been necessary to gain a child’s actual focused attentions.

The report further reveals that some schools in the Smegmadale area are still employing ex-bouncers from Renta-Thug as cover supervisors, raising concerns that they were being used as "crowd control" and sacrificing the quality of children's education – especially so after several unruly pupils were found buried in shallow graves at the far end of the school playing fields with their tongues ripped out and necks snapped.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – blended with a modest touch of Yeast Logic.