E-coli Epidemic Closes Petting Zoos

Parents should not allow young children to touch animals at petting zoos around the Southampton area of the south coast of England, a Porton Down germ warfare centre microbiologist advised a reporter from the Daily Shitraker amid fears of an E-coli 0157 epidemic beating the forecast Sneezy Pig H1N1 flu pandemic to the starting post.

Professor Helmut Fuctifino opined that the kiddie age groups were the "most likely to touch – or pet - the animals" and "the most difficult part of the population to get to wash their hands as they had a bad habit of sucking their fingers after just sticking them up a pygmy goat’s bum or stroking some psoriasis-ridden meerkats.”

Conversely Fuctifino stated that parents should not "abandon the idea of visiting" the coastal regions petting zoos, but they should "think very hard" about letting children under five touch the animals with their hands – rather have them wear surgical type latex gloves or better still simply poke at the animals with a sharp stick to promote the desired audible response.

He further emphasised that kiddies should be totally discouraged from French kissing any of the animals – especially so the dwarf Alpacas.

Critics described Professor Fuctifino’s suggestions as ‘totally bonkers’ as the entire concept of a ‘petting zoo’ was lost if the kiddies couldn’t experience ‘close communion’ the animals.

Following the routes of strange coincidence, documents released this week under the Freedom of Information Act at the Kew Archives reveal that between the winter of 1965 and November 1967 a series of Government trials involving the release of 'microthreads' - (just like the man-made Morgellons Disease nano-particle virus currently being spread via chemtrails) - covered in E-coli 0157 bacteria were carried out upwind of the Southampton area by scientists from the neighbouring germ warfare division of the Microbiological Research Establishment at Porton Down.

As Churchill the Bulldog might proclaim: “Oh yes!” - the very same Southampton area just hit by a fresh outbreak of E-coli 0157 bacterial infections at the local kiddie’s petting zoos.