Prince Chazzer: Environmental Saviour

His Royal Highness Charles - the bat-eared Prince of Snails - is urging the common landless peasants of Merrie England to give up their cars in favour of walking or public transport to try to reduce carbon emissions and save large sections of the planet that he and his Mum own personally.

The Mutant Prince, who has two Jaguars, two Audis, a Range Rover, a couple of quad bikes for himself and Gruntzilla- the Royal Slut - and still drives an Aston Martin given to him by the Queen on his 10th birthday - told a reporter from the Tortoise Polishers Gazette that he and his family had a Divine Right to own as many cars as they liked and it was the duty of the common herd of sheeple to commit to personal sacrifices so the Royal Prerogative of Privilege above all else might be maintained.

Speaking later in an interview with Desmond Scrunt on the Fux News channel’s ‘Spoiled Brat’s’ programme the numpty wing nut-eared Prince claimed the principle of “elevating the pedestrian above the car” was one of the guiding factors of Poncebury – his model feudal development in Dorset that is styled on Stone Age habitats and promotes a cave-dwelling existence as being eco-friendly and sustainable a la the Messianic Al Gore’s core philosophy in his Climate Change Propaganda Bible.

“It’s not just the cars and such”, Chazzer pontificated, “The peasants need to be turning off their central heating systems and lights at night and growing their own vegetables – and washing their socks by hand.”

The Prince, in a foreword to his Maintaining the Monarchy report, also highlighted how green building materials could help tackle the problem of climate change. “What we need is to grow more bamboo here really but the damn British weather isn’t quite up to the task.”

“However we’re doing quite well with James May’s Lego houses – and my Duchy Originals has come up with a spiffing scheme to build family-sized sheds out of straw bales and use sheep’s wool for insulation – then coat the whole lot in horse poo.”

“Plus I’m pushing that silly Scotsman Broon to have his Ministry of Housing do a full census and ordnance survey of all the inland and coastal caves around Britain to accommodate the homeless peasants when their gaffs get foreclosed by the banks and building societies.”

“So you see, old Chazzer’s not just a pretty face – we do come up with some brilliant ideas at times. Hoof the cars off to the scrapyard – or recycling thingie – whatever – then every one can ride around on donkeys and horses and what have you. That’ll help out on the EU’s new cap and trade carbon exchange taxes gnawing away at the old unemployed welfare benefit giro, won’t it eh. – and the poxy Arabs can shove their oil.”

Prince Charles, long known for his bizarre custom of chatting with plants, and a personal problem of struggling with actual everyday reality, seems further afflicted with short-term memory loss when it comes to environmental polluters and the prune-faced Mark 2 model Mrs. Windsor – Gruntzilla – whose foul habit of chain-smoking Scambert and Stuttlers full strength Navy Cut ciggies puts out more smoke and smog per day than a Chinese steel foundry blast furnace.

Nontheless, until the Man who might be King sells the Royal Yacht and a few of his castles, starts driving one of the ubiquitous little green hybrid 4-wheel deathtraps, sells the royal jets and takes commerical flights, and moves into a 3 bedroom suburban eco-friendly wigwam, the common peasantry shall doubtlessly continue to ignore his self-serving holier-than-thou hypocritical nonsense.