Saturday, 5 September 2009

Cellphones Hard-Boil Brains

A 2008 joint survey undertaken by the Department of Odd Behaviour in conjunction with the Ministry for Falling Over, concluded that the use of a mobile phone definitely has an adverse effect on brain activity, although it conceded there were "significant gaps in our scientific knowledge" – which in layman’s terms equated to the fact they didn’t have an effing clue precisely how much microwave radiation was actually required to cook your brain to a soft-boiled state – or kick-start the growth of a super-metastasizing malignant tumour – but – wait for it – did conclude beyond a reasonable doubt that ‘any’ amount of microwave radiation is ‘not’ good for you.

However the draft of a new advisory leaflet for parents – and also kids with two or more functional brain cells to rub together – recently expedited and published by the Greedstein Profit-Phone communications group - now makes it perfectly clear that precautions need not be taken when it comes to a child’s – or anyone’s - use of a mobile phone.

According to the leaflet “Overheating of the brain was once considered a concern but recent studies undertaken on Palestinian prisoners at one of Israel’s state of the art extraordinary rendition centres indicate that mild heating is not a health problem. Body heating is normal and happens with exercise or in a hot bath or sauna with no ill effects."
"Hence there is currently no scientific or biological evidence that mobile phone microwaves cause cancer – so go on – top your credit up, call your pals and enjoy a couple of hours of worry-free hot gossip.”

Conversely the new guidelines have provoked some very negative and hostile responses from commercially unaffliliated health campaigners.

Fellatia Gamarouche, from Tumourwatch, who specialise in the Microwave Radiation health debate claims children under 16 "should not use a mobile phone - full stop."
"A number of neutral independent studies have found a significant increase in brain tumours among people who have used a cellphone for more than ten minutes a day.”

"Thus we find it incredible that the notion there is no good reason to restrict children’s use of mobile phones could now be the official Government line since they’ve blindly adopted this conjured report from the Profit-Phone group – who are markedly representing their own commercial enterprises of total self-interest with little or no social conscience for the future health problems they might be laying the groundworks for with our kids.”

Fellattia concluded “Personally I wouldn’t use a mobile phone unless I had a sheet of lead wrapped around my skull.”

In 2006 Russian journalists successfully used two mobile phones to hard boil an egg. Apparently the phones emitted enough radiation to cook the egg in just over an hour – at a cost of mega-roubles.
The findings of this un-scientific test are not surprising – they concluded it is obviously cheaper – and faster - to boil eggs on a stove. No mention was made in their article whether they used the cellphone method to make toast soldiers to eat with the egg.

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