Killer Biscuits Banned in EU Coffee Shops

The latest piece of asinine legislature to emerge from the EU’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money in Brussels involves HSE risk assessments for every possible human function and endeavour – from brewing a cup of tea or coffee to opening a can of soup - to cleaning your teeth and gargling - to wiping one’s arse and – to – believe it or not - a risk assessment ‘danger rating’ index for eating biscuits.

Apparently the EU’s Brussels-based HSE division have had a team of Barbary rock apes flown in especially from Gibraltar and ensconced at the Brussels Zoo’s Department for Advanced Guessology’s computerised think tank working around the clock – 24/7 – to compile the ‘cookie danger rating index’ before someone in the EU Parliament is severely maimed by a biscuit and sues the living shit out of them in a personal injury claim.

Has the world truly gone mad? Yes – definitely and absolutely – no argument there boys and girls – as we tread steadfastly on and ponder the risk assessments they’ll conjure up next - with justifiable anxiety.

Let’s step back for a brief moment and consider the simple phrase of “What If” that the EU’s primate department seem to be employing as a core philosophy foundation stone mathematical algorithm for their risk index assessments.

Sure – what if I snap a ginger cookie in half and a piece of biccy shrapnel hits me in the eye? Well, you’ll probably rub your eye, pull out the gingery fragment and eat it – and get on with your day.
Doubtful you’re going to need to consult a personal injury lawyer and undergo corneal transplant surgery.

What if – yes ‘what if’ indeed. What if that stupid piranha-toothed git Edward Heath hadn’t signed the UK up for the European Common Market as soon as the French super-Anglophobe Charlie de Gaulle popped his clogs.
What if a Grantham grocer’s menopausal slag of a daughter hadn’t de-industrialised Britain in the name of future Tory glory?
What if that effeminate twat John Minor hadn’t signed the dodgy Maastricht Treaty and we were still an insular sovereign state?

What if NASA and Co had run a risk assessment on the manned lunar landing project for Apollo 11 and decided it was too risky – then had the audacity to go and stage and fake the entire affair with a Hollywood film crew inside a hanger at Nevada’s Area 51?

So we have Armstrong and Aldrin (the one with the limp and no head for heights) - and pilot Collins - getting no closer to the actual moon that anyone else on Earth and thus selling the whole schmiel to the American people as good value for their tax dollars – then have the further cheek to blow a raspberry at the Ruskies and tauntingly bellow – “Look what we’ve done Ivan! – wanna Moon rock?”

‘What if’ the first cavemen had done a risk assessment at rubbing two sticks together and decided it might be dangerous – a fire hazard for instance – we’d still be eating raw food and shivering our bollocks off in winter.
The wheel would never have been invented – nor boats – nor steam engines – and definitely not flying machines.

Would the Great Khan have even stepped outside the Steppes? – Doubtful. Would the Vandals, Romans, Huns or Goths ever conquered anything? Not a hope.
Would the Vikings have sailed to Newfoundland? Not a cat in Hell’s chance – they’d have stayed home and gone fishing – perhaps – if the local shaman did a risk assessment first and decided it wasn’t too dangerous.
Would Jesus and the disciples have given Pilate and the Sanhedrin a pile of shite? Never- far too risky as they might have gotten crucified.

Would Captain James T. Kirk, Bigears the Vulcan and the Starship Enterprise have boldly gone where no man had gone before? – Fuck no!

Now – in their infinite simian wisdom - the EU’s Department for Advanced Guessology’s primates have calculated the biscuit most likely to cause someone an injury during a tea or coffee break - labelling the seemingly benign custard cream the world’s most menacing snack, on the basis of something they’ve termed the Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation (BITE).

Accidents have included people falling off a chair while reaching for the biccy tin, sustaining burns after dunking a biscuit in scalding tea, and being hit by fragments flying through the air and becoming ‘cookie casualties’.

Other people have reported choking on crumbs and damaging a tooth or filling on a particularly hard biscuit. One unlucky person ended up stuck in wet concrete after wading in to pick up a stray biscuit – which really falls under the heading of ‘you can’t mend stupid’.

Perhaps even more unusual 20% of people had sustained ‘biscuit-related injuries’ such as poking themselves in the eye with a biscuit while concentrating on other matters- such as watching the telly or ironing the cat – with an odd 15% being bitten by a pet or other wild animal trying to get their biscuit while their attentions were otherwise distracted.

However, the Brussels Zoo’s ‘Monkey Business’ brigade have now tested the physical properties of scores of popular types of biscuits along with aspects of their consumption such as 'dunkability' and crumb dispersal" – which comes
across more as a field evaluation for the brisant qualities of a prototype hand grenade or anti-personnel mine more so than a snack cookie.

According to the Monkeylab’s calculations, here is the full list of the EU's riskiest biscuits, together with their 'danger' rating :

Muslim Custard Creams 6.28
English Custard Creams 5.64
Fig Biscuit 4.34
Chocolate Wagon Wheel 4.1
Jammy Dodger 3,92
Caramel Wafer 3.74
Rich Tea 3.45
Poor Tea 3.40
Garibaldi 3.38
Bourbon 3.34
Oat Biscuit 3.31
Digestive 3.14
Ginger Nut 2.99
Shortbread 2.90
Longbread 2.83
Muesli Bar 2.76
Nice Biscuit 2.27
Nasty Biscuit 2.24
Iced Biscuits / Party Rings 2.16
Chocolate Finger 1.38
Jaffa Cakes 1.16

Stop Press : Oriole peanut flavoured cookies have now taken the actual ‘biscuit’ due nut allergies – rating in at a deadly 7.58 since the deaths of a coven of menopausal broomstick merchants at a Smegmadale Townswomen’s Guild meeting who suffered traumatic adverse reactions to the nut-laced snacks during their customary tea and biccies sojourn – and promptly went into respiratory arrest mode en masse.

Have any of your family or friends suffered a serious biscuit-related injury? Do you wear goggles and other protective clothing when eating biscuits? Were you aware of the burgeoning number of cases of people committing suicide with biscuits? Have you ever read of the celebrated Yorkshire Biscuit Murders case?

Send us your comments using the online form below and you could win a complimentary tin of our all-new EU Monkey Brand safe-for-purpose blotting paper biscuits.

Allergy warning : This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy.