Artificial Trees to Combat Global Warming

According to a survey conducted by the Institute for Advanced Guessology - and just leaked to the Daily Shitraker via skeptical IAG career snitches – their resident barmy boffins and anoraks claim a forest of 100,000,000 "artificial trees" could be deployed within 10 years to help soak up the world's carbon emissions and mega-tonnes of atmospheric toxic shite and industrial pollutants created by leading environmental vandals in India and China.

The survey, commissioned and funded by the EU’s Ministry for Wasting Time and Money, states in the stupid new report that ersatz trees are among three geo-engineering nutty notions highlighted as practical.

While the report claims hundreds of options are viable if adhering to the traditional European tried and trusted Heath Robinson methods of engineering, two other attractive options are to cool the Earth through reflecting sunlight back into space by covering the planet with what the science anoraks termed ‘billions of very big mirrors’ – which leaves no room to accommodate human habitation – and secondly to install huge mechanical umbrellas to block out the sun’s rays – thus plunging humanity into total darkness.

One suggested practical application to present a non-absorbent surface for solar radiation was to paint everything on the planet white – including the darker skinned members of Earth’s population – which was quickly condemned by members of the African National Congress as “ yet another honky racial-imperialist scam.”

Lead author of the report Dr Mortimer Fuctifino claims geo-engineering is the only answer and that the world has less than ten years to reduce emissions before there is so much carbon dioxide in the atmosphere that everyone could be affected with chronic bronchitis, both polar icecaps will have melted in entirety and the populations of Europe could be up to their knees in sea water – with attacks by marauding polar bears and rabid penguins on pensioners and schoolchildren a daily occurrence.

However the primary method of geo-engineering deemed practical by those lacking a positive grasp on reality is to remove carbon dioxide from the atmosphere and store it. 'Where' actually no-one has yet come up with a practical answer but the traditional and established dumping grounds of coastal West Africa have figured prominently in discussions to date.

Dr. Fuctifino told Pox News that artificial trees are already at the prototype stage and very advanced in their design in terms of their automation and in the components that would be used.

The trees would work on the principle of capturing carbon dioxide from the air through filters called ‘leaves’ - which would then be removed every autumn or ‘fall’ and shipped out into a low orbit storage facility once a week when the NASA Space Shuttle made its regular delivery of spare parts to repair the Space Station’s crapper.

Fuctifino further stated that their prototype artificial tree was about the same size as a Giant Sequioa, resembled a lofty wind farm turbine but with a deciduous verdant crown of arboreal foliage and could remove thousands of times more carbon dioxide from the atmosphere than a real tree.

When questioned by sceptical hacks from the gutter press as to what the ‘artificial trees’ would be constructed from, Fuctifino replied “Why, wood of course – what else would you make an artificial tree from?”