Thursday, 3 September 2009

Booze Asbo’s for Renta-Drunks

Community pariahs in England and Wales who commit crimes or behave anti-socially while shit-faced drunk – such as urinating on a policeman’s boots or vomiting in the back of the arresting Panda car - could now face a Drinking Banning Order - or "Booze Asbo".

Under further totalitarian fascist powers coming into force on Monday police and councils can seek an order on anyone aged 16-?-or over (even though the minimum age to buy or drink alcohol is 18 years – or was the last time we bothered to look)

Magistrates can then ban them from pubs, clubs, bars, off-licences and Holy Communion wine-slurping sessions for up to two years – with anyone who breaches the order facing a £2,500 fine.

Home Office Minister Sebastian Thort-Nott informed hacks from the gutter press that crime and disorder linked to alcohol abuse cost the UK what accountants refer to as ‘lots and lots of money’ every year.

"The Asbo orders will stop those local Anti-Christ type yobs and scallies who are well known to the authorities, licensees and the communities where they live from disturbing the peace - and make them face up to their destructive behaviour when they have to sneak off in a stolen vehicle and travel fifty miles to get a drink in a pub.”

But civil liberties group Pissheads dismissed the new measure as yet another gimmick that doesn’t get to the root cause of the problem.
Policy director Fellattia van der Gobble told Pox News "How many times can you spin a new 'crackdown' without tackling the causes of offending behaviour?” "It’s going to be Red Bull Asbos for hyped-up kids next.”

Dr. Jacko Cirrhosis from Alcoholics Be Damned claims the government needs to end the availability of cheap alcohol and boost the price of a simple pint of Old Headbanger or Bitch Thumper lagers to a £10 minimum – which will put pub booze right out of the reach of young scallies and yobs still relying on their pocket money or Jobseekers Allowance to pay for a bender.

Conversely Feryl Beryl McScatt, spokeslut for the Yobettes Union ‘Kuntts’, told reporters from the gutter press “This twat’s talkin’ through ‘is arse – if yer bump the price up ter a tenner a pint then the lads are gonna go on a muggin’ trip an’ do some poor punter over fer ‘is pension – or just run up a thievin’ campaign ter get their boozin’ money.”

“Why the fuck can’t they leave shit alone an’ just throw ‘em in the can overnight as usual if they get as pissed as rats an’ start playin’ up.”

Sir Mervyn Ffinch-Twattford, chairman of the Magistrates Association, claimed he was not happy that the Asbo strategy would work.
“Clearly the issue is about tackling why it is these people have an alcohol dependency – is society really to blame or are they just a bunch of pisshead mongrels whose parents mated in the shallow end of the gene pool?”

Some delinquent offenders – like Randal the Vandal from Smegmadale’s Scumford Sink or Swim Council Estate - may be referred to a ‘Positive Behaviour Intervention’ rehabilitation course to address their drinking abuses and if successfully completed could see the length of their Booze Asbo order reduced.

The participant is expected to cover the £250 costs of the course – which they can get as an actual freebie via the NHS or Jobcentre, and when completed, receive a PBI Class 1 Diploma - which qualifies them for a job as a Police Community Support Officer.

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