Afghan Election Results Fubar

In the southern Afghan poppy-growing region of Shit-or-Bust the tribesmen held one of their time-honoured beardie pow-wow’s by getting together around the campfire just prior to the recent presidential election for a fart-fest and to discuss which candidate they would back.

After an opium-fuelled session of barracking each other and playing the traditional Tajik groping game of “Guess who’s under the Burkha” they chose to endorse Mohammed bin Mohammad - a local warlord - and incumbent US Muppet President Hamid Kami Karzai’s leading opponent for control of the basket case nation’s mega-bucks heroin trade.

The tribal leaders prepared to deliver a landslide vote for bin Mohammad – but it never happened. They claim Scumbag Ali Karzai, one of the president’s twelve brothers - and leader of the Kandahar provincial council - kidnapped the local governor and closed all the district’s 46 polling stations on Election Day to thwart the ballot.

The ballot boxes were taken back to the district headquarters where, tribal leaders allege, they were stuffed with ballots by local policemen, with a total of 2, 723,906 ballots sent off to Kabul, the capital – every one of them a vote for Hamid Kami Karzai.

The fraud, which Scumbag Ali denies, was the most blatant example among hundreds of incidents that have made a mockery of the US / NATO-backed election – with international observers comparing it to the blatant Diebold-rigged elections of Dubya Bush in 2000 and 2004.

The sheer scale and audacity of the cheating, which included state-sponsored ballot-stuffing, vote burning, intimidation and the closure of polling stations in anti government areas, has overwhelmed the country’s hapless Electoral Complaints Commission.

Its staff are battling with more than 3,842,600 reports of vote-rigging, including at least 6,350 deemed serious enough materially to influence the result – wherein the actual voters themselves were snuffed by Karzai henchmen for putting their cross in the wrong ballot slip box.

Guido Corruptioni and Gustav Fuctifino of the UN’s Geneva-based Commission on Elections watchdog told Fux news “It’s another typical Afghan snafu where the corruptest guy with the most goons and guns comes out on top. Obviously Karzai still holds that position while he has NATO’s backing.”

Hamid Kami Karzai, described by critics as a man who prompts you to count your fingers after shaking hands with him, has now been pronounced the winner of the election and will serve yet another inutile term as the country’s most incompetent president to date.

The Election Commission declared Karzai the winner with a majority of 32 million votes – which observers unanimously agree is a miraculous achievement in a country that has a total population of 28 million – including the children - and goats.

Did you vote for Hamid Kami Karzai’s ‘Fill Yer Pockets’ party? Do you have what it takes to shill for Big Oil? Join the ranks of the GOP Oil Corps today and get your thirty pieces of sliver. Pre-9/11 Hamid Karzai started out as a ten cent UNOCAL gopher – now he has his own country.

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