Sneezy Pig Flu Panic Call Centres Close

The UK’s legion of Oinkyitis H1N1 pig flu emergency call centres are to close just weeks after opening because staff have been spending most of their time playing cards and board games and generally sitting around scratching their arses – and getting paid for doing sweet FA.

According to a secret report left in the carriage of a London underground tube train on the Bakerloo line and sold on to the Cormorant Strangler’s Gazette for thirty pieces of silver, zillions of pounds of taxpayers' money have been 'squandered' after 1,200 workers were employed to deal with the expected deluge of anxiety calls from a panic-stricken British public responding to the Ministry of Scaremongering’s black propaganda campaign.

But staff said far fewer calls were made than predicted and supervisors allowed them to play cards and video games such as the New World Order’s ‘Global Population Cull’ or the popular ‘Euthenasia’ or the Israeli-themed ‘Gaza Genocide Warriors’ - or send subversive and insulting e-mails to the World Health Organisation in Geneva to help pass the long hours between the calls that never came.

Jacko Scrunt, a 93-year old Jobcentre dropout, told the media that for most of the four weeks he was employed at his local NHS emergency call centre at Smegmadale-on-Sea each staff member took on average just two five-minute calls per eight-hour shift – and these were usually wholly dissociated with the Sneezy Pig flu pandemic – such as asking for the Recipe of the Day or enquiring if the Virgin Trains 12:30 express to Euston was running on schedule.

Jacko further commented “The whole idea and set-up’s a complete effin’ fiasco.”
“Yer can understand the Government ‘avin’ ter prepare fer the worst, but this was just ludicrous. One woman rang me up askin’ if we did assisted suicides on the NHS or woz they all done private like an’ through BUPA.”

The National Porcinella Pandemic Panic Service - which comprises over a thousand phone lines and a website - was launched last month.
The new staff were mainly recruited from immigration prisons and given four hours of training in how to read a prepared script of questions – in English, Welsh or Hindu - to discover whether a caller - or a member of their family - was showing swine flu symptoms – then advise them to self-medicate by taking Scamiflu capsules - or gargle with a mixture of boiling water and bleach to kill the flu germs.

Earlier this month the Epidemic Review revealed that some Twatford-on-the-Wold call centre phone lines were being manned by 16-year-old Albanian refugees who spoke no English, had less than the prescribed four hours training – and who spent most of their call-free days poaching swans and carp from a neighbouring pond.

Further the service has been plagued with multitudes of time-wasting false alarm and joke calls similar to this one recorded last week :”’Ello, Miss Piggy here – my little boy Porky isn’t feeling too well – and we think he might be coming down with a case of Gruntitis. His curly tail’s stuck straight out, he’s got swollen trotters and a runny snout. What do you reckon – does it sound serious?”

The prank call was rumoured to have come from bored staff at a neighbouring emergency advice centre at Hogsworth Hill.

The main NHS and Ministry of Scaremongering websites have also been inundated with hordes of e-mails from across the country regarding the untested Novartis ‘Grunt-Gone’ vaccine meant to immunise against the Sneezy Pig virus – most bearing the simple one-line message of “Shove yer toxic vaccine shite up yer arse!”