Monday, 25 November 2013

UK Quango Demands More Wars

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Paul ‘Botox’ Pindar, CEO of Crapita, the scandal-ridden private outsourcing firm that makes a fuck-up of every government job it touches, now stands accused of presiding over the collapse of Army recruitment and this week – uncomfortable shouldering a dynamic such as ‘failure' - made a pathetic attempt to pass the responsibility buck by blaming a lack of foreign wars for his company’s dismal management fubar to attract and sign up fresh Army recruits for the Queen’s Own 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment and 18th Body Bag Brigade since being awarded the contract to seduce jobseekers with a career of getting shot at – and the ego-enhancing opportunity of adding ‘trained killer’ and ‘homicidal maniac’ to their CV.

But while Pindar’s excuses were being derided by a House of Conmans Public Accounts Committee, his moronic shout for more humanitarian interventions and foreign military conflicts in such ripe conflict arenas as Syria and Iran was roundly applauded and seconded by the likes of BAE Murder Systems and others of their war-mongering ilk who profit greatly from human misery and the physical and emotional trauma and suffering caused by the deployment of their nasty, toxic military ordnance innovations (radioactive depleted uranium munitions casings, sarin nerve gas, land mines, DIME explosive warheads, white phosphorus grenades, Black Talon ammunition and cluster bombs).

When asked to explain its failure to maintain manpower levels, Crapita’s Pindar – notorious for his toxic involvement with the ultra-evil ZioNazi neo-con shadow government Carlyle Group - arrogantly declared it was all down to potential new recruits having sweet fuck all to keep them busy.

“Soldiers join the Army so they actually have hands-on experience – like water boarding a couple of sneaky Jolly Jihad Muslim terrorist types – or gang raping a few burka bitches in Abu Ghraib Prison - or using a schoolyard full of Afghan sprogs for target practice.”
Pindar further claimed that recruitment had been hit by the asinine political correctness situation in Broken Britain and the failures of the Ministry of Defence under Secretary Philip ‘Dandruff’ Hammond’s watch to protect erring Marines from prosecution after they were kind enough to administer a humane double-tap ‘kiss of death’ to Afghan non-combatants wounded ‘by accident’.

“Really, is it in the public interest to prosecute our squaddies for killing some Third World non-entity – even if he had initially been shot by mistake? People like Hammond should be sticking up for their soldiers, not subjecting them to court marshal proceedings and ten years in the stockade for doing their job and killing people who hate our democratic freedoms.”

Margaret Oppenslimer Hodge, the notorious tax-dodging chairwoman of the time-wasting Parliamentary committee, described Pindar’s comments on war as a bit of a wake-up call and the need for someone in Downing Street to get their finger out and invade Syria – or Iran – or call up PM Bobo Nuttyahoo in Tel Aviv and find out who was next on the Rothshite family crime syndicate’s hit list – to get Broken Britain’s ailing flatline economy moving in a positive ‘uphill’ direction once again.

Conversely, the MoD declined to comment on Pindar’s pathetic excuses but sources pointed out that 5,000 members of the armed forces are still on active service in Afghanistan - dodging Taliban bullets and playing hopscotch around roadside bombs and a host of other innovative improvised explosive devices – all of whom would eventually need replacing with fresh personnel in the short term before they went totally squirly with guarding the poppy crops and ended up as hopeless case opium addicts.

(From 1994 to 1999, under CIA control, Afghan opium production peaked at 4,500 tons per annum – but under the control of the Taliban government’s killjoy ‘Ministry for the Propagation of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice’ dropped to absolute zero – and since 2001, with the poppy crops being guarded 24/7 by NATO / US / UK / ISAF troops, has risen to an all-time record high of 8,200 tons in 2012).

Crapita were awarded the outsource recruitment contract after British Army commanders warned that the old style Lord Kitchener ‘Your Country Needs You’ recruitment poster advert no longer worked – and this continuing shortfall in morons willing to die for Queen and country would make the government’s neo-colonial wars of aggression – such as the Iraq and Libya debacles - a lot harder to win – even with NATO’s help.

Pindar, who steps down in the New Year and will be replaced by his dodgy deputy Andrew ‘Nosy’ Parker, was finally forced to concede there had been problems with marketing strategy but claimed Crapita was confident that over the longer term recruitment targets would be met - if the Con-Dem coalition government would initiate national service conscription legislation to get all NEET teenagers into uniform and deployed on foreign battlefields for a three year ‘character building’ stint.

Thought for the day. Following the Parliamentary committee hearing, Pindar reputedly confided to one press hack from the Warmongers Gazette that “This army recruitment down-trend snafu is playin’ fuckin’ havoc with my annual performance bonus and I’ve had to having to flog off £6 zillion quids-worth of Crapita shares and cash me effin’ pension in to pay the sodding wife’s divorce settlement.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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