Judge Slams Botched Woolwich Pantomime

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The jury sitting in the Muslim xenophobia Woolwich murder trial of Michael Adebowale and Michael Adebolajo at the Old Bailey were treated to a cobbled-together CCTV film show yesterday, with photo-shop doctored footage screened of the moment Fusilier Lee Pygmy was run down by a Vauxhall Tigra belonging to the accused, then dragged into the road and hacked to death with a set of Argos Home Store kitchen knives.

Prosecutor Richard Shittam QC informed jurors that the two suspects purposely drove into their chosen victim with malice aforethought, and at a speed best described by witnesses as ‘very fast’ – outside the Woolwich 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment military barracks on Artillery Place in south east London. They then proceeded to drag his unconscious body into the middle of the road where he was - in the words of witness Mrs Gladys Patel – “Hacked at like some halal butcher choppin’ up a side of beef at yer local Greedy Grocer Pestco supermarket” - all in full public – and CCTV – view.

Mr Shittam further described how Drummer Pygmy was mutilated, decapitated and murdered by the pair of Jolly Jihad Islamic terrorists, who ambushed the hapless squaddie as he sauntered along Artillery Place, for no other reason than the fact he was wearing a Help for Heroes hoodie and was a member of the infidel armed forces that had been invading Muslim nations and waging aggressive battlefront conflicts against al Qa'eda Jihadists and non-combatant civilians alike with impunity since 2001 - under the concocted ‘war on terror’ and ‘humanitarian intervention’ banners.
After running Pygmy down with their car, they then hacked off his head in a most cowardly and callous manner as he lay motionless in the middle of the highway -without a solitary thought for the mid-afternoon traffic disruption caused by their selfish anti-social actions.

The attack was witnessed by shopkeeper Mr Liwat ibn Zamel and his fancy bit, Mrs Fellattia Sharmuta, who lives around the corner – with the former describing the vehicle hitting Mr Pygmy at a “flat out speed - like one of Bernie Ecclescake’s Formula One racing cars with that Jeremy Clarkson bloke off Topless Gear at the wheel.”

Local teenage chav, 16-year old Goodluck Crackerbarrel, who happened to be wagging school that day, had just exited the adjacent Suppository Road branch of McDonalds chew n spew eating a super-size double-whammy Barf Burger when he noticed Adebolajo kneeling down in the middle of the road chopping at the neck of a prostate body with a meat cleaver and thought to himself “WTF – that’s no way ter give some poor traffic accident victim CPR.”

The Very Reverend Winnebago Chuckabutty, pastor of the neighbourhood's gospel Church of What’s Happening Now, gave evidence to the effect that “I woz just finished up havin’ a bit of a back rub at de Happy Ending Rub n Tug Massage Salon in Rectum Place an’ woz walkin’ round de corner when I hears all dis clappin’ – a big round of applause from de spectators wot’s watchin’ dese two scallies choppin’ at one of dem rubber manikin dummies in de middle of de road.”
“Den dis officious lookin’ Community Enforcement thug bitch wiv a bullhorn shouts out ‘Okay, rehearsal’s over. Now let’s get it right this time so Take 2!” – an’ I thinks to myself ‘hey, dis am just like dat reality TV thingy.”

One female bit actor, Mrs Chlamydia Shill, went to Fusilier Pygmy's lifeless – and conspicuously ‘bloodless’ - body and stroked him like some domestic pet that had been twatted by a passing car – while Mrs Ingrid Fibromyalgia Dog-Kennell, a French-Namibian tourist from Cornwall broke off ad-libbing her confrontation speech to the play-blood soaked Adebolajo and went to see if she could provide first aid to the decapitated corpse.

This Dog & Pony Show evidential episode in the proceedings sparked an outbreak of giggling from the public gallery as Prosecutor Richard Shittam presented the police version of events relative to the murder - with the presiding judge, Mr Justice Dinsdale Sweeny-Todd, cautioning two gutter press hacks from the Conspiracy Theory Gazette that any further vocal expressions of their obvious amusement at the conjured evidence and scripted testimonies would be dealt with as contempt of court.

Conversely, after the proceeding had been adjourned for the day, the judge mellowed somewhat over free pints of Bitch Thumper keg in the saloon bar of the nearby Rat & Pikey pub and admitted to the erring press hacks “Okay, I’ll concede that live street theatre is always problematic, but for Heaven’s sake this Woolwich one-act play wasn’t a Stanley Kubrick repeat of the staged Apollo 11 Moon landing so no Oscar-winning actors required."
"But surely MI5, or MI6, whoever was responsible for orchestrating the pantomime’s script and choreography could have done better than hiring this posing pair of Azanto darkie clots and the Angel of Woolwich troll – the wholly preposterous Ingrid Fibromyalgia Dog-Kennell. The biggest mistake there was giving this bimbo slapper an actual speaking part in the performance.”

“Really, whoever’s organising these ‘Amateur’s Night’ false flag terrorist attack jobs to demonise Islam and turn white Anglo-Saxon Christians against their Big Society Muslim neighbours to spark negative reactions from the BNP and EDL crazies so they dispatch a flash mob of their thuggy types to go round fire-bombing mosques – well, obviously they need to go back to the drawing board and have a rethink on how to start a sectarian civil war so the government can enforce martial law as the current line of strategy is more fucked up than a soup sandwich.”

“This entire debacle is a circus without a tent – all that's missing was the two miscreants wearing red noses, baggy pants and floppy shoes. Personally I’ve seen better organised riots. More to the point, I’ve now got stuck with presiding over this mess of a pottage of a trial of these two Nigerian stooges who haven’t got the collective IQ of a small potted plant between them.”

"This is an even worse cock-up of a false flag fiasco than the 7/7 London tube attacks by Mohammed al Patsy and his cohorts – who were so stupid they missed their respective train connections, failed to blow themselves to smithereens for Gawd’s sake - then had the miraculous audacity to turn up at Canary Wharf and would have really up-ended a can of very nasty worms by talking to the press about God knows what tales of false flag terror attacks and being set-up stooges but for the Met’s trigger-happy SO 19 Armed Response Squad thugs turning up sharply and killing them.”

“I realise Downing Street’s cabinet office Nudge Unit are burning the midnight oil conjuring up false flag terror attack scenarios to demonise the Muslim community and ways to emulate the Busby Berkeley Boston Bombing spectacular which President Obama’s CIA and Homeland Insecurity dirty tricks department staged, but they seem to forget the Yanks have Hollywood at their disposal; whereas all Broken Britain’s got is Pinewank Studios and Hammer Horror – along with a slew of half-arsed not-fit-for-purpose provincial repertory company actors whose career zeniths are marked by appearing in an Old Headbanger lager advert – or a cameo appearance in that Bell Enders soap.”

“Really, one has to wonder where the security services are digging up these amateurs. This Woolwich fiasco must go down in the books as an even bigger security services foul-up than the Princess Diana and Jill Dando murders - and David Kelly’s assisted suicide – and don’t even mention the GCHQ’s Gareth Evans getting padlocked inside a big black North Face holdall with a vibrating jack rabbit rammed up his rear passage.”

For the public record – and too the red top gutter press tabloid’s funny pages, Adebolajo, who hails from Romford, east London, has requested to be referred to by his nom de guerre of Muad’Dib Abu Hamster in court, and Adebowale, from Greenwich, in similar fashion, as Istimna ibn Himar.

The tragi-comedy case continues.

Thought for the day. I kid you not, this pair are fingered as Public Enemy Number One Islamic terrorists, hell bent on up-ending our hated democratic freedoms – and they turn out in the middle of Woolwich on a Wednesday afternoon to cause havoc and mayhem – and lay chaotic waste to the general area - armed with a five-piece set of kitchen knives and a sharpening steel from Argos? Just who the fuck in the shadowy dark corners of the establishment is thinking this orchestrated ‘be afraid, very afraid’ scaremongering shit up – Wallace & Gromit or Wiley T Coyote?

Luke 8:17 - ‘For there is nothing secret that shall not be made known’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.