Sunday, 1 December 2013

Badgers Trust Lobby for MP Cull

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The misconceived and insane badger cull in Gloucestershire has been called to a timely halt as insufficient numbers of the innocent nocturnal critters – TB-infected or clean bill of health - have been indiscriminately slaughtered to date to meet the proposed target head count – which the Tory’s excuse for a Farming Minister George Eustice, MP for Scamborne, blamed on setts of radical activist badgers themselves - informing one press hack from the Environmental Pillagers Review “This is a new breed of badger we’re dealing with here – they’ve developed para-military evasive tactics and learned to duck or hide underground when anyone points a gun at them.”

A similar cull pilot in Somerset was halted last October after it also failed to meet the target head count – even after being granted a three-week extension, which the buck-passing National Farmers Union have put down to ‘smart badgers’ migrating to neighbouring Wiltshire for the duration of the cull permit license.

Ron Scattford, chief sniper for the National Farmers Union told media reporters that "We’re still mulling over the reason why our kill ratio numbers are down, but I’ve got a fair idea that the little buggers are only coming out after dark – just to screw up the cull project. But we'll be back next year having learnt a lot from this season’s fubar – when our shooters have been briefed up on how to tell the difference between badgers and rabbits – and sheep – and, unfortunately in one isolated incident, ramblers and their dogs.”

Psychopathic government ministers and the homicidal brock-hating NFU falsely claim that culling badgers will curb the spread of TB in cattle –a factor which critics assert is more bullshit than is caked to the badger culler’s wellies.

Likewise Candida Mingerot from Humane Society International and Fellattia van der Gamm of the Badger Trust jointly opined to the media that the cull had been a shambles from start to finish - and a dismal failure with regard to Defra’s Bovine TB containment policy.
Ms Mingerot explained “Fer fuck’s sake, this miscarried cull is more at scent than substance as it’s the effin’ cows wot’s givin’ the badgers TB, not the other way round. It’s like New Labour’s incompetent tackling of the Mad Cow Disease outbreak –kill any fuckin’ thing that moves.”
“The spread of Bovine TB is out of control an’ the NFU an’ Defra haven’t got a fuckin’ clue how ter put a stop ter it cos they haven’t the bollocks – or brains – ter admit ter the extent of the problem an’ realise it gets carried on the feet of other animals – frogs, rats, rabbits – an’ includin’ birds tootsies as well.”

As to Owen ‘Cobblers’ Paterson - the very model of a modern Defra Minister - normally far too occupied preening that bloated ego to bother his pointy head with such trivia as ‘badger baiting’ – or the unresolved child sexual abuse history of one of his special needs North Slopshire constituents (Hollie Greig) - was finally ‘badgered’ (sic – no pun intended) into taking time off from his lucrative lobbying for the toxic hydraulic fracking and equally noxious GM Frankenfood crop industries to turn his attentions to the aborted badger cull.

Interviewed yesterday by Andrew ‘Bat-Ears' Marr on the BBC’s ‘Home on the Range’ programme, Paterson fielded a last resort plan - to start culling the cattle instead as unlike the shifty ‘smart sett’ badgers, cows were traditionally stupid and simply stood still while someone shot them.

Hmmm, when the only tool you possess is a hammer then every problem starts to look like a nail. How about we have a ‘politician cull’ and leave old Brock and his mates alone?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Nosser said...

Funny, almost pissed me pants laughing.