Monday, 23 December 2013

M & S Switch Logo to ‘St Muhammad’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

High Street retailer Mammon & Snobford management exec’s have made what might be their biggest fuckup since the last big fuckup with yesterday’s board room decision by the Ashkenazi-Zionist owners to keep all 700 of their UK-based store chain outlets ‘kosher’ and cease to stock pork products – and in a stellar buck-passing piece of smear strategy, blame the decision on causing offence to the fragile religious sensibilities of Muslim members of their cash register staff.

Conversely, the gospel according to the editorial in this morning’s Daily Shitraker, the M & S credibility-deficient decision is based on the fact that a Muslim checkout troll refused to serve hapless customers whose grocery baskets and trolleys contained bottles of booze and / or pig-related produce – bacon, ham, gammon etc.
Shitraker City desk editor Ron McScrote asserted that “These stupid tossers are courting ridicule on a daily basis and in my eyes have committed an act of commercial suicide – ritual fucking seppuku in fact – letting some egocentric prima donna of a self-opinionated Muslim slapper loose on a checkout desk - as demonstrated by the plummeting of the company’s stock market share price.”

“And that is just the start of their troubles – not only is this flawed decision bound to create further division and hatred within our co-called Big Society multi-cultural communities – but just wait until the boycotts kick in, then the M & S top dogs Bobby Flannell and Marky Bolland are going to be down the Jobcentre and end up working at Poundland.”

The initial ‘refusal’ incident occurred at the Mammon & Snobford branch in Smegmadale-on-Sea when Ms Fellattia Skanger, an 18-year old mother of three, has queued with her Xmas grocery-laden trolley only to be informed by a burka-clad Muslim checkout assistant that she would have to move to a ‘non-halal’ cashier desk due the fact she had both pork and alcohol produce amongst her grocery items.

“Well I woz effin’ gobsmacked when this slut sez she’s a strict orthodox Wahhabist Muslim so I gotta go ter another checkout desk cos I got a mega-pack of Peppa Pig pork snags, a six pack of Bitch Thumper lager an’ a coupla bottles of their two-for-one Chateau de Catpiss Shiraz.”
“Why the fuck don’t they put some effin’ sign up ter tell yer this shit an’ not have yer quein’ up for half a fuckin’ hour waitin’ ter get served in the Christmas rush? Yer know like, they could make ‘em wear a yellow star armband like wot the Nazis did wiv the Shylocks in the Holohoax.”

Frank ‘Pitbull’ O’Scally, a former EDL firebrand and now spokesman for the British National Party since being released from prison had this to say to gutter press hacks.
“Really, wot the fuck is this woman doin’ at a food hall checkout counter in a country where the staple diet of the indigenous Anglo-Saxon population is bacon butties, pork pies and scratchin’s – washed down wiv pints of Old Headbanger Special Brew?”

“This halal / haram policy they’re fieldin’ is political correctness gone bonkers an’ gonna be the source of a catastrophic cultural clash if M & S are gonna switch the corporate logo from St Michael to St Muhammad."
"So wot the fuck next – Hindu checkout staff refusin’ ter serve customers wiv packs of beef burgers? Vegetarian staff refusin’ ter serve anyone buyin’ meat produce? Vegan staff refusin’ ter serve any fucker wiv eggs or dairy produce? Homophobic staff refusin’ ter serve fudgers and dykes? Anti-materialist Buddhist checkout staff refusin’ ter handle cash? Pancake Tuesday Adventists refusing to do any fucking thing?”

“Well, laugh yer fuckin’ might but now this madness has started where the fuck does it end? Are they gonna be fielding Wahhabist Mutaween style security guards ter keep a beady eye on wot patrons are purchasing?”
“Of course, M & S human resources an’ compliance management policy could be amended ter ensure that the minimum wage morons they hire were contractually bound ter handle ‘all’ products stocked an’ sold by their stores.”

“Wot the problem is lies wiv the fact these sorry twats hate our Democratic freedoms – cos we have the choice of ‘not’ believin’ in God or go ter church on a Sunday an’ bangin’ our heads on the effin’ floor in supplication - an’ not expect a call from the religious police – or see some bored housewife getting’ her sad arse stoned – literally, wiv rocks n bricks - for havin’ a leg-over wiv the window cleaner while her Marine hubby’s off guardin’ opium crops an’ murderin’ non-combatant civilians in Afghanistan.”

An M&S spokesman informed a press hack from the Knobheads Gazette that “Customer service is our priority. Due this wake-up call, henceforth if we have an employee whose idiotic religious beliefs are going to be an impediment to their corporate career advancement and restrict food or drink handling then we’ll place them in a suitable role, such as sweeping up and emptying trash cans.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Very sharp piece of wit. St Michael to St Muhammad.