Friday, 20 December 2013

Channel 4 to Host ‘Nigella Snorts’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Following the acquittal of her personal assistants on charges of fraud at Scumborough Crown Court today, TV celebrity cook Nigella Lawson opined to one media hack from the Ripoffs Gazette “When the stupid jury returned that unsafe verdict of ‘not guilty’ I was initially gob-smacked – then did a double-take and decided that was no real surprise as the sitting judge, Sir Dinsdale Figg-Newton, was a miserable old twat who avoided further eye contact with me on day one after I’d dropped him a sly sexy wink and blew a kiss.”

Lawson’s accused PA’s, Robetta Brillopad, 35, and Scrotella 41, slapped by a capricious media with the pejorative moniker of the 'Kleptomania Sisters’, both denied under oath of blowing £685,000 quid on credit card purchases belonging to the TV cook and her ex-husband Charles ‘Tick-Tock’ Saatchi – claiming instead that the naughty Nigella had authorised them to spend the money as she wanted to launder accounting evidence of her cocaine addiction purchases.

The Crown Court heard testimony that the Brillopads had used the ‘no-limit’ Coutts credit cards given by Nigella in their own names - on Saatchi's ‘Medellin Snow Sports Partnership’ company account - to buy designer goods from such prestigious outlets as Pound Stretcher, Oxfam, B & Q, Morrisons and Pikey Pete’s Car Boot Emporium – which it was claimed they did with a vengeance on ‘shop-til-u-drop limousine-chauffeured shopping excursions with their Renta-Gigolo toy boys, following which the larcenous pair dined out, high on the hog, at top notch West End eateries, including Marco Pierre Shite’s famous Retcher’s; Biffo’s Barf Burgers, McDonald’s Chew n Spew ‘and’ the chic Pol Pot’s Insta-Noodles stall on Birdcage Walk - before doing the nightclub rounds and consuming pints of Old Headbanger lager and Meths Breezers in the Troublespot Taverns music pub chain boozers.

In the wake of the cheapskate sideshow spectacle of a trial and a ‘not guilty’ verdict being returned, media pundits have been quick to start assessing how the court revelations of drug abuse may affect Nigella’s career.
Apparently Channel 4 are planning to air a follow-on to the successful ‘Nigella Bites’ series - with ‘Nigella Snorts’ - which will cover epicurean ganja brownie recipes plus a comprehensive gourmand guide of how to cook up and freebase crack cocaine and heroin in the convenience of your own kitchen – ‘and’ ventilate the premises safely without getting the whole street stoned in the process.

Rumours of a possible add-on series of Nigella in Rehab’ remain unconfirmed.

Thought for the day. Hmmm, talk about doing your dirty laundry in full public view – are these twats bonkers – taking the Klepto’ Sisters to court after giving them a free range license with their credit cards?

What an ill-thought through, ego-driven, rich n shameless celebrity fucking shambles – then publicly branding the Brillopad’s as a pseudo-Italian thieving gyppo scatbags.
For fuck’s sake, it was spread across the Daily Shitraker’s gutter press pages a couple of weeks ago – accompanied by full colour media piccies – of hubby Saatchi with his hand round Nigella’s scrawny neck – to which he denied attempting to strangle her – but only get her attention.

Now she’s in the Met Plod Squad’s eye for doing Class A drugs with her daughter. But that’s Nigella for you – a stellar example of your basic skanger – bonking all manner of Viagra-fuelled nouveau riche tosspots while her hubby was dying of cancer - Charlie Tick-Tock included.
There’s only one person in Nigella Lawson’s life – and that’s super-slapper Nigella - best described by friends and associates alike as a vulgaian slut.

Talk about dysfunctional families – these twats need their mothers around to look after them – and a pound to a pinch of shit odds-on bet that John Diamond’s turning in his Kensall Green Cemetery grave.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Nigella Bites / Nigella Snorts - witty wordplay - n the slut deserves it.