IDS Universal Credits = Celestial Fubar

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Nasty Party’s Works & Pensions Minister, the chronically-bungling Iain Dunkin-Shit, has seen his career prospects plummet to new abysmal depths following a Parliamentary report released recently by Sir Fido Pit-Bull, chief spending watchdog at the National Audit Office, who slammed the DWP Secretary’s ‘brainchild’ flagship Universal Credits project as a ‘shambolic load of crap’ and an ‘utter waste of public money’.

The much-vaunted ‘UC’ programme which has been ‘crafted’ (sic) to bundle together six benefits into a single welfare payment (if yer lucky) had been due to come into force early in 2014 but has now been delayed for two years to achieve even a modest 50% operational status - with hundreds of thousands of the common herd claimants not being added to the fatally flawed system before 2018 – a chaos theory in motion factor critics have jumped on and predict will manifest as a sauve qui peut phenomenon – every fucker for himself breakdown of law and order.

A second ‘et tu Brute’ knife in the back for Dunkin-Shit – the incumbent Tory MP for the Chigley and Camberwick Green constituency and co-founder of the Swanbourne Halitosis Society – came from the unexpected quarter of the Treasury, with the train fare-dodging Chancellor Jeff ‘Spankies’ Osborne confiding to a gutter press hack from the Deadwood Gazette that IDS simply wasn’t up to the Works and Pensions job – same as his failed attempt as Tory leader.

“Some ministers improve in office and others, like IDS, simply go on to prove beyond any reasonable doubt that they’re just not up to it. Mr Dunkin-Shit, regardless of his dodgy college degrees from the University of Woga-Woga Land, is now recognised as an unhinged fruitcake on an ego trip the size of the national debt - whereas in all truth he’s got the limited IQ of a small, furry household pet – one of those hamster things that felchers like Lord Scandalson enjoy being shoved up their bums.”

Making deliberate use of IDS’s pejorative moniker to run him down even further, Osborne continued “Old Baldy’s ill-conceived Universal Credits’ scheme is a farce that’s on a par with the dysfunctional US White House cuckoo’s ‘Obarmy Care’ health insurance scam ripoff – and both systems might well have been designed by super-blodgers Wallace and Gromit for what they’re worth.”

“Okay, back in 2010 Posh Dave Scameron thought the Works and Pensions position was perhaps a fitting sinecure for Dunkin-Shit – him being a fascist control freak who gets his jollies from schadenfreude – causing misery and suffering to others – which wasn’t a bad idea really as obviously he’d cop all the flack for implementing the welfare benefit cutbacks part of the budget austerity policy – but he’s still the same stuttering ‘Betsygate’ fuck-up who was hoofed out as party leader back in November 2003.”

Yet it all comes down to our Womb to Tomb nanny welfare state being gutted of benefits under Scameron’s austerity measures - which only seem to be directed at the so-called ‘useless eaters’ with the MPs copping a whopper of an 11% pay hike – and the main crib is the fact our sick society’s most vulnerable demographic, the elderly and disabled, have been purposely and with malice aforethought cut out of the social care system – a factor inadequately explained away with the excuse of ‘pre-decisional oversight’.

Alas our once sceptred isle is sliding back to a place in history, a dark and miserable abyss, of whom the youth are ignorant – with this Con-Dem Coalition treating the proletariat – that’s us – the common herd – as ‘resources’ and ‘commodities’ – and no amount of soundbite jingles and political spin are going to manufacture consent to this social engineering outrage – a bonkers experiment gone completely haywire and rationalised by the Fox and the Grapes paradox.
A matter of the Have’s and Have Not’s – the Them n Us 1% / 99% that is currently fuelling a furnace of smouldering public resentment and burgeoning anger that will most definitely result in a flashmob street revolution before Spring’s daffodils rear their little yellow blooms.

Per the £50 quid now slashed off OAP’s Winter Fuel Allowance by Chancellor George ‘call me Jeff’ Osborne, just wait for the reaction when Winter really kicks in with both feet and the council are propping frozen penniless pensioners up against the wall at the crematorium to wait their turn to get a final warm up before going to a sunny hereafter.

But even Philistines like Dunkin-Shit hold a vested interest in maintaining the criminally corrupt Them n Us status quo and push the patriotism angle – an Orwellian cover for state-corporate fascism – this faux Big Society charade – when the keystone to the New World Order Agenda 21 schedule is to create a truly dysfunctional society riven by this venal Have’s & Have Not’s social pecking order chasm.
It all comes down to rhetoric versus reality - thus is the working principle of the ‘trickle down theory’ – where the poverty-stricken common herd ne’er do well’s subsist on the scraps dropped from the plates of the rich and shameless – hence logic denotes that they only way the poor derive greater sustenance is by loading the plates of the rich to overflowing.

To add insult to injury and piss the electorate off even more, radical proposals just set out by Nadhim ‘Bald Turd’ Zahawi, the evil-eyed Tory MP for Twatford-on-Avon-Lady, would see child benefit and tax credits limited to families' first two children.
Zahawi, a nouveau riche ‘posh tosspot’ immigrant and member of Scameron’s ‘hit n run’ policy board, has been tasked with slashing zillions of pounds off the welfare bill – thus what brass-necked hypocrisy spouted by this scumbag who fiddles £7,000 nicker on his House of Conmans expense claims to have the taxpayer foot the heating bill for keeping his pet donkeys warm.

Hmmm, perhaps ‘Old Baldy’ Dunkin-Shit and ‘Bald Turd’ Zahawi should both be labelled as bona-fide dog wankers (a mutant sub-human genus in the fuckwit / tosspot classification index of Linnaean taxonomy).

To conclude, within the Oxford English Dictionary’s indexed lexicon of 750,000-plus words there is none that accurately describes Iain Dunkin-Shit or his condition - however it has been unanimously agreed by a synod of disaffected Remploy dependents and chilblain-ridden pensioners that the word CUNT comes pretty close – and a ‘mean-spirited cunt’ at that.

Thought for the day. Talk about the ‘good old days’ – what a boring line of disingenuous crap we once thought that to be – with Super-Mac’s ‘Never had it so good’ – and the ironic fact is – given the facility of 20/20 hindsight - that we didn’t.

It all started going wrong with Harold ‘Red Mole’ Wilson devaluing the pound, then that traitorous Tory’s kiddie fiddling tosser Ted ‘Pirahna Fangs’ Heath signing our sceptred isles away to the EU (EUSSR) – followed by Slaggie Twatcher getting a cob on with the miners and unions in general and de-industrialising the UK – swapping the ‘Great’ Empire’s Day prefix to ‘Britain’ for one of ‘Broken’.

And if you consider this austerity shite that’s gone down since the Con-Dem coalition slithered into office in 2010, then life under New Labour has to be classed as ‘not so bad’ – even if Broon and Darling were running the economy on a series of payday loans from the likes of Willy Wonga’s Money Factory and the mega-usury Slick-Quid.

But that’s what the Crapitalist model is all about – isn’t it – balancing payments via the avenues of borrowing and debt? And where it will remain until control of our entire trade and monetary systems are snatched back from the avaricious paws of the Rothshite crime syndicate banksters – the Edomite Mafia – which is all down to William III – of the moronic Orange clan monarchy who fucked up everything they touched – a bit like the ruling Saxe-Coburg-Gotha-Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glückturd mongrels – aka the Wicked Windsor tribe of welfare benefit scroungers who’ve never had to attend one of Atos fascist compulsory ‘Fit to Work’ assessments to date.

But here’s one to mull over – how about Scameron and his trusty sidekick coalition buddy Mick Clogg hoof the useless Philip ‘Dandruff’ Hammond out of the MoD (formerly War Ministry) and shove the hapless Iain Dunkin-Shit in charge – and place a sure bet with Flatbrokes, the UK’s ubiquitous High Street bookies, that World War Three will be underway before Easter.

Mind you, in a world gone totally squirly with a large capital B for Bonkers – where a detached prosthetic leg sighting at a local baths is deemed grounds to trigger the Paedo-Alert alarm system – then any fucking thing is possible.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.